Just Type.

It feels like I’ve forgotten how to type... it’s been that long since I’ve updated! I have no excuse other than having a hard time articulating what is going on in my life. So what has been going on in the last two months?

•           Our house still hasn’t sold and we’ve only had 1 offer which fell through at the last minute. Our realtor says there is nothing wrong with the house it’s just the current market. It still sucks
•           We put a conditional offer on a new house, but we need to sell ours first. So far the new place is still available and we’re hoping it stays that way until we can sell ours
•           Work has been grueling with overtime almost every shift. :-( I’ve been in oncology 7 months now and have finally found my groove. However, half the department is pregnant or on mat leave which practically makes me “senior staff” and with it comes more responsibility. It’s really a sink or swim kind of department and right now I’m treading water with my head just barely above the waterline. There’s a new job in pediatrics, but it scares me to apply... as silly as it might seem, I feel like I haven’t learned enough in oncology to go back. Plus, I’ve just completed my training to administer chemotherapy and I feel like I “owe” them.
•          We’re tentatively planning another round of IVF in the Fall, but nothing feels certain.
•           Mr Perfect is trying to sell his Mustang as well, but it has been up for sale for 4 months and nothing.
•           We were at the vet 4 times in less than 3 weeks with Bentley. Once he swallowed a bee and scared us half to death, while the other 3 times were for a badly cut paw. He had to be sedated twice and had lots of stitches. Thank goodness it is finally healing
•          I feel very ho hum about life these days. It just feels like so much crappy stuff is going on and I just want a little break. I see pregnancies all around me and now it seems people who started trying when we started are on their second pregnancy and it’s just not fair! Why can’t it work for us? Why must we constantly go through all these hurdles? Am I just being negative? I just wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, you know?

I’ll end things on a happier note. Even though I feel like everything is doom and gloom these days, we have had a beautiful summer and have tried lots a new activities. So far this summer we’ve been canoeing, horseback riding, yardsaling, hiking and had a 2 day vacation to the island with the dogs. All in all, we have tried to make the best of things.

The Second Chapter

It’s been a little over two months since my last post and I’m not even sure where to start. The last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster of ups and downs. The last time I posted was the day we found out the IVF didn’t work. I can say we definitely have been dealing with it very well, but other challenges have since presented themselves.

We had our follow-up appointment at the clinic a few weeks ago and it wasn’t great. Turns out my husband isn’t the only one with issues. Apparently I’ve got the ovaries of a pre-menopausal 45 year old. The doctor has a new protocol to suggest, but he says that even with the max amount of drugs he doubts we’ll get more than 4 or 5 eggs (we had 4 last time). He says our odds of conceiving with a new cycle is about 25% (last time it was 40 - 50%). We enquired about embryo donation but it’s next to impossible in Canada. Now we have to decide what to do next. If money was limitless we would do a new cycle, but we need to be smart about our money because international adoption is crazy expensive.

We’ve been on the “adoption train” since our last failed cycle and wow is it depressing and overwhelming. We attended a training/information session in April for international adoption and it really opened our eyes on the challenges we will have. First of all, a whole bunch of countries are closed to us because Mr Perfect has had a divorce. Seriously? Ugh. The only country which might be an option is the most expensive one: the US. Blarg. As for local public adoption, we’ve also hit some roadblocks. Since we speak French at home, we can only have French children placed with us and of course, the pool of francophones is limited. :-( When we attended the international adoption info session we met couples who had been waiting 3 to 4 years for public adoption. We thought that our chances where better since we are willing to accept sibling groups and children up to 10 years old, but other couples were willing to accept the same. :-(

We’ve since attended an info session for public adoption as well. Turns out we are on the waiting list to BE on the waiting list. Ugh. We actually haven’t even applied for adoption yet. We have to wait to take our PRIDE course and only then can we actually apply for adoption. Getting the pride course can take years and then the actual adoption process can take another couple of years on top of that. It’s depressing. Mr Perfect was encouraged by the session, but I can’t get over the long wait to meet our children.

We went to see a psychologist last month since we had a free session included in our last cycle and we thought we should take advantage of it. The positive thing that came out was that we are in good shape emotionally. Honestly, we probably didn’t need the session, but it was good to bounce back some of our thoughts with him. We are both on the same page and are willing to go to great lengths to have a child. The psychologist also made us realise how the need to have a child has been weighing on us. Even though we've been trying for less than 2 years, we have both been on a quest to have children long before we met. So in reality, we've both been waiting for this child for a good 6 to 8 years... even if we've only been together for 3 years. That really struck a cord for me.... the realisation that this has been weighing on us for a very long time. He also pointed out that we need to accept that we might never have children and have to start living our lives as a couple without kids. Of course, we aren’t there yet and still have a lot of routes we want to try, but we do need stop putting all our focus on one day having a child and start living for today. I mean, we need an identity outside of “potential parents”. We can’t put all our self-worth into being parents because that’s an awful lot to ask of a child.

That brought us to the decision to sell our house. We have been putting it off for a year now because we might get pregnant, we might have to do another round of IVF, we might have to adopt and all this time we’ve been putting our life on hold. So after 6 weeks of grueling work on the house, it is now on the market! YAY! We have found some potential homes and hope to put an offer soon. I’m exited to start the next phase of our lives. :-)

As for doing another round of IVF, we’re still on the fence with that. I want to do another round because I feel I will always regret not doing one more if we don’t. I also feel that between his dazed and confused sperm and my old lady ovaries, it would be best to do it sooner, rather than later. I also feel incredibly strongly that I’m meant to be pregnant. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but I can’t help believing that we are meant to have children. I guess the thought of never carrying a child is something I need to grieve and I’m just not there yet. I just feel so strongly that I’m meant to do another cycle…. Let’s just hope I’m not just in denial about our situation. :-(

For now, we will see what happens with the house and then decide what our next steps will be. Cross your fingers for a quick and lucrative sell!

Making our home beautiful...

... for the next owners to enjoy.

That’s right, we’re looking to move in the coming months. We still have a lot of work to do before the house is in selling condition, but we’re hoping to get it all done by the end of September. So far we’ve torn down the old patio and rebuilt a new, larger one. We’ve gutted the bathroom and installed new sub-flooring, new vinyl flooring, new toilet, new vanity and sink and repainted. We still have to install new baseboards, finish a few touch ups and paint the ceiling. I’ll post pictures once it’s 100% complete.

Although we love this house, it’s old and is in constant state of repair. To get the house to the place we would want it to be, would mean remortgaging and it would still leave us with an unfinished (almost, unusable) basement. At this point, we just need to start looking for something new.

Of course, we still have a lot of work ahead of us:
- fix and paint fence
- install new counter top in kitchen
- back splash in kitchen
- sand and paint cupboards
- fix ceiling
- Build closet in mud room
- Install closet doors in bedrooms
- Lots and lots of painting!

... just to name a few! Here’s to a busy 5 weeks!

Only 16 days left. Only 16 days left.

That’s what I keep saying about my accident-prone roommate. She says her ADD gets worse when she is stressed and I can attest to that. Of course, I can just let go of the weird/funny stuff like finding her teaching assignment in the fridge or discovering a pair of dirty socks on the food cabinet (ewwwww), but last night I was pissed.

It was around 11:45 pm and I was sleeping. I usually go to bed early, but last night I wanted to get a good night’s sleep because this morning I had an exam for which the passing grade was 90%. I was awoken by a huge bang! For a moment I panicked wondering what she had broken now. I resisted the temptation to go check... I figured, no matter what it was I wasn’t going to fix it tonight.

12:45 am: Knock on my door. Ugh. Ummm, Changa? I don’t know how I did it, but I was using your computer (at this point I’m thinking Oh God! Oh God!) and I broke the tray that holds the keyboard. (phew. It wasn’t actually the computer). I tell her it’s ok and go back to bed. I’m fuming. Not only did she wake me up on a very important night, she was also using my computer, again! Now, I have let her use my computer in the past, but I precisely said it was for emergencies. Checking facebook is not an emergency. How do I know she was using facebook? Because she never logs out, never closes the internet browser and never turns the computer off.

At this point I can’t sleep so I stomp downstairs to assess the damage. Keyboard tray AND keyboard on the floor, half drunken glass on milk on my desk, computer is still on (facebook, as predicted) and my notes for my exam (which I had placed on my chair for easy access are pilled up with some other notes. Roommate has gone to bed. Grrr. I immediately change the security access code. Just like with a kid, you have to remove privileges for bad behaviour. Now she will only be able to use my computer with my permission.

The super scary thing is... the next roommate could EASILY be 200 times worse. :-S

PS: I'm about 90% sure I got at least a 90% on my exam this morning. :-)

Political Correctness

One of my roommates (the teacher/virgin Mary) could be considered a great roommate. I love the fact that she is never around. It’s nice to have the house to myself more often than not. However, my fear with this particular roommate is that I might come home one day to find my house burnt to the ground or maybe a wall or two accidentally knocked down. You see, my roommate has Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) so extreme I sometimes wonder how she functions. Some of you might remember the tomato on the floor incident (see link), which was very much her work. Earlier this month she destroyed my mixing bowl (the one that is to be used with my food processor). She was never willing to admit just HOW the mishap happened, just that it was a very stupid mistake. I believe it involved popcorn and it left my bowl looking like this:



Last week I came home to discover a steak knife with mustard on it in the middle of the living room floor. Actually, Pacha is the one who discovered it! I was not impressed to find my dog licking a very sharp knife! Ugh. This morning, I tried to leave the house, but couldn’t open my front door. I have no idea what she did to it, but unless you put your entire weight on it and push really hard, you can't get out. I still don’t know how someone is going to get back in. *sigh* Last year she tore the door off the hinge so I guess it was just a matter of time before she completely killed it. I don’t even know where to begin to fix it.

So here’s my question: is it politically correct to tell someone with ADD to focus? Let me put it this way, if I were really depressed (having been diagnosed with chronic depression) and someone would tell me to just “snap out of it” or “just be happy”, I would be royally pissed because sometimes it is out of my control. Sometimes I want to scream: “Good Lord Woman just pay attention!!!!” I have brought up many things she has done and she feels horrible about it, but it doesn’t change her behaviour. What else can I do?

Anyway, I think she is moving out at the end of November. I say I think because she is supposed to get married on November 22... but doesn’t have enough money to start planning the wedding until the end of October. What the ?? Given that she is supper religious, we aren’t talking about a little trip to city hall, here. I have no idea how the most disorganized person in the world is going to put together a wedding in 22 days. I haven’t advertised her room yet; because I get the feeling it’s just not going to happen. I guess we’ll see.

Finally. Pics!

Finally. Here are some pictures of my most recent projects (laminate floor and headboard).

The old floor. This is actually the floor in the hallway because I forgot a before shot of my room. It was painted soft wood. Eventually I'll do the rest of the house.


The new floor! I hadn't planned on installing laminate, but my sister had extra and gave it to me so i figured why not?

To create the headboard I took an old wooden door, cut it to size, framed it with 2 x 4 and painted it. Then i attached it to the wall. Here are the results:


The door looked like this before the construction:


Close-up. It's too bad you can't see much.


I'll be hangning some B&W photos I've taken, but for now I just placed them above the headboard.


I also made the bedskirt and all the cushions as well as the night table cover which you can see in an earlier picture






Finally, I took an old wicker laundry hamper I had since I was 14, fixed it up and repainted it to match. The bottom had fallen out so I "sewed" it back on with twine.

TMI: Too. Much. Information.

I have a very chatty neighbour. I’ve been here 9 months and I’ve only discovered this valuable piece of information recently. My neighbour George (or Georgie) is an elderly man who, for the longest time, looked like he never talked to anyone. I would see him on his porch wrapped up in a blanket and couldn’t even get a wave from him. I didn’t mind, though, because I’m not a chatty person myself.

A few weeks ago I set out to clean the yard and saw Georgie on the other side of the fence doing the same. He was standing there staring at me and I made the mistake of say Hi, How are you? Really. Bad. Idea. His first answer was: “they might have to amputate my toe”. Having never talked to the man, I had no idea what he was going on about. He went on to tell me he had been off work since last August because they had to amputate his small toe. He has diabetes and therefore poor circulation. Now, they might have to amputate another toe. Then the once-sided conversation went on and on for an hour! I stood there nodding my head, praying for it to be over with soon. Among other things he told me:
- He works at the hospital cleaning floors but is currently on disability
- He wants to retire but needs to know if he could still make $1400 a month once retired.
- His insurance will cost him $350 once he retires
- He has an appointment at the optometrist on Thursday, a doctor’s appointment Monday morning, an appointment at the bank on Friday.
- He walked to the store that morning to buy six 2 litre bottles of diet Pepsi. He has diet Pepsi with every meal. He has to have diet because he’s diabetic.
- He’s had surgeries in the past.
- He’s circumcised
- He doesn’t drive and his wife’s mother drives him and his wife everywhere
- My patio was built about 8 years ago.
- My kitchen is really cold
- The fence on the other side of my property is mine
- The neighbourhood cat is called blackout

And on and on it went! I tried to leave several times saying, well, I better get back to work, but the talking just kept on going. I finally managed to break myself away. I figured it was because he was tired of standing.

Georgie has become a serious liability! I have to scan outside before heading out for fear I might get caught in another uncomfortable conversation. I’ve been caught twice since the initial meeting and just can’t afford another run-in with him! Gah! I have yard work to do!

Irrational thoughts

I love my house. I really do. I’ve never had doubts that my purchase wasn’t the best decision ever. So why do I feel all weird about my house suddenly?

My house is quite old and it shows… but that’s what gives it character, right? Last night I had a potential roommate come visit the room I have for rent. For once it was someone who seemed normal. It was a young student who came to visit with her Mom. As I’m walking up the stairs to show her the room after touring the main level, I hear the Mom whisper to the daughter, “the floors are really crooked… do you really want to live in a crooked house?” The daughter doesn’t answer. I suddenly feel self-conscious about my crooked floors. :-( It’s not like it can’t be fixed, but leveling the house would make everything shift and the plaster on the walls crack. So until I’m ready to redo all the floors and re-plaster and paint all the walls, my floors will remain crooked. Besides, it makes walking in the house while drunk so much easier.

Today, the comment has been echoing in my head. It’s not the first comment of this kind I’ve heard. My Mom, for instance, hated the house when she first walked in. She felt I had made a horrible decision and should never have bought the place. According to her, I should have bought a brand new house. Ummm… yeah… cause a student can totally afford a brand new house. Even if I were still working I wouldn’t have been able to afford a new house. After I told her I was returning to school she said, “oh, now I understand why you bought THAT house”. Other comments I’ve heard from friends:
“On old house is ok for you I guess… but I didn’t want something used”
“You can tell the floors were done in a rush. They weren’t done very well”
“Hey, it’s your first house – it’s not supposed to be nice”

Ugh. Most people don’t realize how hard it is to purchase a house on a single salary. Money aside, this house is completely adorable!

Last week I saw my ex’s parents and I was so proud of myself for chatting with them without feeling my usual rush of anger that almost always comes with any conversation surrounding the ex. Now I’m reflecting on the conversation again. I’m remembering how I told them my house was about 70 years old to which his mother said, “yes, well it’s too bad you couldn’t afford something new”. At the time I was slightly irritated, but brushed it off. Today I’m feeling all twitchy about the comment. You see, I never measured up to their (or their son’s) level of class. This isn’t a rich family by any means! They are exactly the same middle-class family I grew up in, but they always wanted to be all showy about their possessions. While I was with my ex his parents commented on my car (it was a 1995 Honda Civic… this would have been 2002) and how I really should purchase a new one. Ummm… maybe I could afford a new one if I wasn’t supporting your son! They also commented on our first apartment, which was a small reasonably priced one bedroom apartment. They said it was a “dump”. It was NOT a dump by any stretch of the imagination. It was really sweet and super clean! Anyway, we eventually moved to a really nice, huge, pricey apartment downtown. Of course, they (and my ex) loved it. I was still the sole bread-winner and because of that stupid apartment I got myself into much debt. It angers me when I think about that stupid mistake. I remember crying to my sister before getting the place because I was worried about the rent (it was almost three times the price of our first place)… but my ex absolutely wanted it and I folded.

So all of these thoughts make me wonder… am I cheap? I don’t like debt and refuse to buy “stuff” to keep up with the Jones. I’m a student, I own a house and other than good debt such as my student loan and mortgage I am virtually debt-free. Plus, if everything goes as planned I will graduate with only my tuition to pay off. How many people can say that? So why am I worried that my house is not up to snuff?

Not too bright, but happy.

I’m not too bright because in my last post I said I had 43$ left from home savings… well, that was before I added what was in my Canada Savings Bond. Oops. It’s the best kind of mistake to make! :-) I’m also not too bright because the intelligent thing to do would have been to put the money aside for my tuition. Obviously, I didn’t do that. Instead, I found an awesome deal on a couch and chair for 900$ plus tax. How could I resist!? So I went ahead and bought it. I’m back to my 43$ and change, but at least I have new furniture. Wheeee!

I figure I worked so hard to save this money I deserve to treat myself. And, the price was too die for. So I might be a student come September, but at least I won’t have my student-y futon.

I'm in... I think.

I haven't received my admissions letter, but yesterday I received my course selection package. Among the documents there was a letter stating that I haven't sent back my acceptance letter. Kinda hard to do when I haven't received it! So by the package of information, I'm assuming I'm in and the letters just got crossed along the way by Canada Post.

I've picked my classes and unlike most freshmen, I made sure I had early morning classes almost every day. I figure if I'm up for a class in the morning it'll be easier to study in the afternoon. If, on the other hand, I had afternoon classes, I just know I would be challenged to get up early to study.

In other news, I have 6 days left before closing - WAHOO! I have potentially rented out another bedroom which would mean I would only have one left to rent. It's someone who works in my building and she is coming over to see the place on Wednesday. I also met with my lawyer today and everything is on track for the big handover next week. I had hoped I would have some savings left-over, but after finalising the all the cost I have $43 left. Ugh. Oh well. When I did my calculations I had added a 10% buffer. I figured I wouldn't actually have to use the buffer, but since I do after all, I'm sure glad I added it in!

It's official - I'm a homeowner!

The inspection was today and everything went well. The SOLD sign is going up any day now! EEK! I can’t believe I bought a house. I’m so excited! Just for fun, here are a bunch of new pictures!

Office:


Office looking into the living room:






Front door:



Hallway looking into the kitchen:



Kitchen:







Bathroom:







Funky Door:


Funky Chandelier: