Preliminary testing = done

This morning marked the completion of the preliminary test before in vitro. It’s called a mock transfer and involved stirrups and probes... fun times. Anyway, now that the preliminary tests are completed, we start the official process in a few weeks... actually about the same time I start my new job. Mind you, it takes almost 2 months before we get to the stage of the actual embryo transfer so we’re still a ways away. This morning I was exciting that things would finally start moving along very soon. Tonight, panic has since settled in. What if this doesn’t work? 60% chance of failure is a big number. I was lying in bed until a few minutes ago but I had to get up cause my mind was racing. I keep going over the steps involved in the process in my mind and keep coming to the end of the process and panicking that it might not work. If it doesn’t take... I’m not sure I can deal. We’ll be taped out financially, not to mention emotionally. I know I should stay positive, but all I keep imagining is the worse. I wish I could just turn off my brain. :-(

Oncology it is.

I thought I would update for those of you who were wondering.... I've decided to take the job in oncology (cancer patients). I can't say I'm thrilled, but it is what it is. I keep trying to see it as an opportunity for growth, but all I can see is additional stress at a time when I just can't handle anymore. 


I start February 1.

Dumped

I've been dumped by the peds department. :-( I found out just before Christmas that the mat leave I was replacing is coming back early... actually, I found out the same day we got the news about the infertility issues... it was a very sucky day. At the time my head nurse was trying to figure out how she could keep me, but didn't have anymore details yet. I’ve since found out I would not be back in pediatrics on a permanent basis after January 30. I still have a job, of course, but I will be reassigned to another department. I just got a call from HR giving me my options. I can either work in oncology, orthopedics or float. Floating means I wake up every morning, call in to find out where the hell I'm gonna work that day. The stress associated with this type of work is high because you never know where you'll be and every department is so different. The thought of it makes me sick. However, the thought of working in oncology or ortho isn’t any better. It’s definitely not the field that bothers me, it’s the departments. They are notorious for burning people out and having extra bitchy staff. When I graduated, the government was offering a significant student debt reduction to anyone who would sign a two year contract with those departments... cause no one wanted to work there. Now, a year later, I get to work there without the student debt reduction. UGH!

The timing couldn't be worse with the pending IVF treatments. At least with my current job, I know my co-workers, many of them know my situation and I can easily step out for a few minutes for blood work, in another departments, it won't be as easy. Also, it's not easy being the newbie and having to step out for appointments. Hospital politics aren't making things any easier. If I take a mat leave on another department, I can't apply on another temporary posting for a year after I'm done that temp job. That means, if I take a job on another department and a temp job in peds comes up, I can't apply for it. I want to be in peds... it's my home. This whole thing sucks.

So here’s my pros and cons list:

Float:

Pros

• -       I’m not stuck in one department I hate and could end up floating on some of the departments I like
• -       Since I’m not associated to any department, I can pretty much take my vacation anytime. On a department it goes by seniority… and I’m at the bottom of the list

Cons

• -       I wake up every morning full of anxiety
• -       Every department is different and I’ll never really get to that comfort level
• -       I don’t have steady co-workers which makes it hard to have people to lean on.

Oncology

Pros

• -       I’ve worked with oncology patients in peds so it’s something I know a little. Experience in that department would certainly help in peds in the future.
• -       I could gather more experience with central lines, chemo, picc lines and specialized dressings
• -       I would always work with the same people and maybe I’ll luck out and find a friend or two
• -       Eventually I’ll get used to the department and feel more at ease

Cons

• -       I would always work with the same people and maybe I’ll get unlucky and be with the supremo bitches
• -       Oncology is rough and can be really depressing

Orthopedics

Pros

• -       I did a rotation in ortho and actually kinda liked it
• -       I could gather more experience in post-op care, pain management and broken limbs all of which I can apply in peds in the future
• -       I’ve worked with kids with broken bones in the past and always felt I could use more experience in that area so a job in ortho could give me the experience I need.
• -       I would always work with the same people and maybe I’ll luck out and find a friend or two
• -       Eventually I’ll get used to the department and feel more at ease

Cons

• -       It’s a super high-paced unit with some really strong personalities. I think it might be even bitchier than oncology
• -       It’s a physically demanding department as most patients can’t move.

So that’s it. I have to call back HR tomorrow.  I think I’m gonna sleep on it and see what happens. If you’ve got an opinion – go for it!

So Busted

Since our first appointment at the fertility clinic, we’ve had a few initial tests done. Last week the clinic called and asked us to come in to discuss the results. We were nervous because we weren't done all the tests and we figured they wouldn’t be calling us in if everything was perfect. We went in for our appointment on Friday and the news wasn’t good. They’ve discovered some anomalies that makes it really difficult for us to get pregnant on our own. In theory we could get pregnant on our own, but the chance of that happening is about 0.6%. They said our best chance to conceive would be through IVF with ICSI. :-(

ICSI (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection, pronounced "icksy") is an in vitro fertilization (IVF) procedure in which a single sperm is injected directly into an egg. You could say it's a step beyond IVF. With IVF they put the egg and the sperms together and hope they fertilize, while with ICSI you pay a couple grand more for the fertilization to be done manually. The doctor said our chances of conceiving with ICSI are about 40% to 50%. At least our chances are really good. I still have some testing to be done, so here's hoping there aren't any other issues.

 Obviously, we are both devastated. After a quick meeting with the doctor, we were whisked away to see the nurse who went through all the procedures and pricing and the boat load of tests that need to be done. I started to bawl, I just couldn’t control my emotions. We went from everything is normal to things really aren’t good and we were both blind-sided. The information session with the nurse was so overwhelming.... I'm not even sure I know what she said. I really didn't think I would be so overwhelmed... I'm a nurse, I should get this shit!

 Anyway, we are slowly coming to terms with the diagnosis. I actually never thought there would be anything wrong and the fertility clinic was only going to help us speed things along with an IUI because of my age. All our tests kept coming back negative, so I just never thought...

 We're definitely going to proceed with the IVF with ICSI, we just have to figure out the financial aspect of it. We've decided to focus on having this first child and not worry about whether we can have several (which was our bigger concern before the appointment). We've put adoption on the back burner because it's just too much to deal with right now. It looks like we have a few months of tests and preps to do... not to mention figuring out the finances... so maybe in the Spring.

Name That Country

About a month ago, Bentley got nipped while playing with some big dogs. It was pretty ugly looking when it first happened, but after a course of antibiotics and lots of cleaning, the cut is healing nicely. Recently we’ve noticed the wound looks like it’s gonna leave a scar... a scar that oddly looks like a country! We’ve had a debate over exactly which country it might be, so your feedback would be appreciated! Here’s what the scar looks like when you look at it straight on:

Now from some varying angles and potential countries: France?

Australia?

Not a country, but a province: New Brunswick?

USA?

Let me know what you think!

The reason why I’m not pregnant

Forget the hormonal imbalances, or the timing issues, or any other unknown issues. I think I’ve figured out why I’m not pregnant: I’m just not ready. Most of you would be shocked to hear me say these words cause I’ve been ready for kids most of my life. However, in the last few days I’ve come to the realisation that I might not be in the best place to have a child right now... and maybe the universe realised that. While I was studying, professors all told us that the first year of your career in nursing would be the most difficult and the most stressful. Nevertheless, I always thought I would be above that. However, I recently realised that the stress of the job and shift work might be getting to me. Add to that the difficult adjustment I’ve had with new medication and the subsequent weight gain associated with the new meds and I’ve just not been in the greatest place emotionally in the last few months. I’m constantly exhausted and way too overemotional, as my husband can attest. I’m guessing adding the stress of pregnancy wouldn’t have helped the situation much. So it looks like I need to get healthy. It’s time to stop whining about not being pregnant and start taking care of me... if I could just get off the couch. *sigh*

More waiting

After a year of trying, we finally had our initial appointment with the fertility clinic yesterday. I think I had so much hope that we would get all the answers yesterday, that I was crushed when they said: let’s do some more testing in the next few months and then see. Ugh. We’ve done all the testing! Now we have to pay the clinic to redo them all over again. As well, since it’s the holidays soon, the delay might be even longer. Frack. The waiting sucks. It’s already been 5 months since my first appointment with the gynecologist and now we’re talking about an extra 2-3 months. In the meantime, the doctor told us to make sure our timing was right and that maybe it would take. Yeah, cause we haven’t been doing that already. The tests we’ve done have revealed no abnormalities… the only issue is the extra loud ticking time clock ringing in my ear. I’ll be 36 in a little over 2 months and can’t help but worry we will never have enough time to have more than one kid.