The Second Chapter

It’s been a little over two months since my last post and I’m not even sure where to start. The last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster of ups and downs. The last time I posted was the day we found out the IVF didn’t work. I can say we definitely have been dealing with it very well, but other challenges have since presented themselves.

We had our follow-up appointment at the clinic a few weeks ago and it wasn’t great. Turns out my husband isn’t the only one with issues. Apparently I’ve got the ovaries of a pre-menopausal 45 year old. The doctor has a new protocol to suggest, but he says that even with the max amount of drugs he doubts we’ll get more than 4 or 5 eggs (we had 4 last time). He says our odds of conceiving with a new cycle is about 25% (last time it was 40 - 50%). We enquired about embryo donation but it’s next to impossible in Canada. Now we have to decide what to do next. If money was limitless we would do a new cycle, but we need to be smart about our money because international adoption is crazy expensive.

We’ve been on the “adoption train” since our last failed cycle and wow is it depressing and overwhelming. We attended a training/information session in April for international adoption and it really opened our eyes on the challenges we will have. First of all, a whole bunch of countries are closed to us because Mr Perfect has had a divorce. Seriously? Ugh. The only country which might be an option is the most expensive one: the US. Blarg. As for local public adoption, we’ve also hit some roadblocks. Since we speak French at home, we can only have French children placed with us and of course, the pool of francophones is limited. :-( When we attended the international adoption info session we met couples who had been waiting 3 to 4 years for public adoption. We thought that our chances where better since we are willing to accept sibling groups and children up to 10 years old, but other couples were willing to accept the same. :-(

We’ve since attended an info session for public adoption as well. Turns out we are on the waiting list to BE on the waiting list. Ugh. We actually haven’t even applied for adoption yet. We have to wait to take our PRIDE course and only then can we actually apply for adoption. Getting the pride course can take years and then the actual adoption process can take another couple of years on top of that. It’s depressing. Mr Perfect was encouraged by the session, but I can’t get over the long wait to meet our children.

We went to see a psychologist last month since we had a free session included in our last cycle and we thought we should take advantage of it. The positive thing that came out was that we are in good shape emotionally. Honestly, we probably didn’t need the session, but it was good to bounce back some of our thoughts with him. We are both on the same page and are willing to go to great lengths to have a child. The psychologist also made us realise how the need to have a child has been weighing on us. Even though we've been trying for less than 2 years, we have both been on a quest to have children long before we met. So in reality, we've both been waiting for this child for a good 6 to 8 years... even if we've only been together for 3 years. That really struck a cord for me.... the realisation that this has been weighing on us for a very long time. He also pointed out that we need to accept that we might never have children and have to start living our lives as a couple without kids. Of course, we aren’t there yet and still have a lot of routes we want to try, but we do need stop putting all our focus on one day having a child and start living for today. I mean, we need an identity outside of “potential parents”. We can’t put all our self-worth into being parents because that’s an awful lot to ask of a child.

That brought us to the decision to sell our house. We have been putting it off for a year now because we might get pregnant, we might have to do another round of IVF, we might have to adopt and all this time we’ve been putting our life on hold. So after 6 weeks of grueling work on the house, it is now on the market! YAY! We have found some potential homes and hope to put an offer soon. I’m exited to start the next phase of our lives. :-)

As for doing another round of IVF, we’re still on the fence with that. I want to do another round because I feel I will always regret not doing one more if we don’t. I also feel that between his dazed and confused sperm and my old lady ovaries, it would be best to do it sooner, rather than later. I also feel incredibly strongly that I’m meant to be pregnant. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but I can’t help believing that we are meant to have children. I guess the thought of never carrying a child is something I need to grieve and I’m just not there yet. I just feel so strongly that I’m meant to do another cycle…. Let’s just hope I’m not just in denial about our situation. :-(

For now, we will see what happens with the house and then decide what our next steps will be. Cross your fingers for a quick and lucrative sell!

Someone get me a drink STAT!

It's official - we aren't pregnant. :-(

Time to regroup and figure out our next step. We have a follow-up appointment on May 25 to see what they think went wrong and to figure out if another cycle would be worth doing. I hate having to wait 2 months to find out what went wrong. :-(

We aren't done yet. We WILL have children...  we just have to go through some more hoops to get there. It just feels like way more hoops then anyone should have to go through.

In the meatime, we are proceeding with the adoption process. We were already on the public adoption wiating list for a newborn (a 9 year wait list), but are now completing the paper work for a public adoption of an older child or a sibling group. We've also started to work on international adoption. We might still do a second cycle, but since the first was such a craptastic failure we aren't sure it's worth trying again.

Thanks for all your support. I'm actually doing really well. I've known (in my heart) for over a week that it didn't take. I could just feel it. I haven't even cried today... I'm just so ready to move on.

Moving On

We still have 6 days until we find out whether I’m pregnant or not, but we’re both feeling very strongly that it didn’t work. It’s not that we are pessimists, but we know the reality of transferring grade 3, 5-cell embryos and the odds of it succeeding aren’t very good. I think we both started grieving when we found out the other 2 embryos didn’t make it. Reality set in and we stopped believing in miracles. People around us are all “don’t stop believing”, “Stay positive, it’ll work”, “It’s not over until it’ over”… but I don’t think we have it in us to start believing again. Having hope means setting ourselves up for a crushing disappointment. I just know I can’t bring myself up again just to fall back down.

In the meantime, we’ve been looking forward to all the things we’ll be able to do when we find out I’m not pregnant: drink alcohol, diet coke and coffee, have sex and smoke cigarettes! Sure, we don’t really smoke anymore, but at least we could if we wanted too! Of course, Mr Perfect can do all those things right now, but he can’t really enjoy it with me glaring at him. Hah!

So now we’re looking at our options. Do we drop another dime on a cycle or do we bow out and move on to adoption?  Of course, it all depends on what the clinic tells us. Why it didn’t work, what they think are our odds of having a second cycle work. That being said, it will still remain a big maybe. Dishing out more money on a “maybe” sounds depressing. That’s why we are seriously exploring adoption. We are already on the waiting list for an infant, but the wait is 8 to 9 years. So now we are moving on to international adoption and adopting an older child or a sibling group in our province. It’s a little overwhelming of course… we’ve been told over and over again how “damaged” these kids are. :-( But maybe that’s what we’re meant to do? Maybe we are supposed to adopt a child in need? When I found out I was being transferred from paediatrics to oncology (and was being all pouty about it), one of my friends said: “maybe it’s not about you or what you want Changa… maybe you are going to oncology because there are families who can truly use the care and guidance of a wonderful nurse.” This really struck a chord with me.  So maybe we can’t have kids on our own because our child is out there waiting… maybe this child has been waiting for us as long as we have been waiting for her/him? 

No Risk of Freezer Burn

I’m finally feeling better almost a week after the egg retrieval! I don’t think it was normal to feel THAT horrible for THAT long! I’m just glad I finally feel human again. The clinic just called to let us know the other two embryos didn’t make it and we have nothing to freeze. No surprise there, really. I can’t say I’m disappointed as I had already grieved the loss earlier this week.

Other than that it’s same old, same old around these parts.

First Baby Pictures?

Well, I'm PUPO: pregnant until proven otherwise! We found out when we got to the clinic that the embryos didn't progress as much as they should have, but they did the transfer anyway. We transfered two 5-cell embryos. The doctor said they were graded as level 3 and level 1 is ideal. :-( As for the other two they will keep them growing another two days and see what happens, but the nurse said we probably wouldn't have anything to freeze as they are even lower grade. Anyway, here's a picture of our babies :-)

I'm feeling sad, but also happy it's over and done with. I'm trying to stay positive because every time things seemed doom and gloom these little guys kept fighting. Let's hope they're here for the long haul.

Divide and Conquer

Yesterday morning we got our daily fertility report and we found out that all 4 eggs had been fertilised! This is amazing news! The reason why you want lots of eggs is because you lose so many at every stage of the process. Having all the eggs retrieved fertilised is awesome! Today’s fertility report is just as wonderful. We have two 2-cell embryos and two 4-cell embryos! According to our nurse, they should all be between 2 and 4 cells on day 2 so it sounds like we’re still doing great. We haven’t lost one yet and that’s the best news ever! We are scheduled to have them (hopefully two of them) transferred back into me tomorrow at 12:15. We all the disappointment last week, I’m so happy we have some little fighters on our hands. So far this is what they look like: 2-cell embryo

4-ell embryo

And tomorrow they should look like this:

As for me, I’m feeling pretty crappy. :-( The pain has subsided, only to be replaced with tummy issues. At least my crappy feelings keep me from worrying about my embryos – so that’s good! I’ve been shockingly calm all weekend!

Send More Good Drugs

Egg retrieval = done! I'm home from the ER and everything went well. As predicted, we got 4 eggs. I think they retrieved one more egg but it wasn't viable. I was pretty knocked out for the procedure, but was aware of what's going on. A few times it was crazy painful, but not so much I wouldn't do it again. The procedure was at 8 and we got home around noon. So far no nausea or dizziness, just really tired! I do have some abdominal pain which was tolerable until the good drugs wore off. This evening I'm having a lot more trouble moving around and the pain has increased significntly. Ugh. At least it's temporary. We won't know how many fertilised until our fertility report in the monring. I'll be sure to update you when we get our fertility report tomorrow morning.