Stress is exhausting

This is the conclusion I’ve come to this morning. I’m exhausted... and I think it’s because I’m stressed. Yesterday I spent a better part of the day studying and last night I think I could have gone to bed at 7:00 pm. It’s not the studying that’s so awful, it’s the pressure of passing this damn CRNE (Canadian Registered Nurse Exam). It’s just an exam… upon which my salary, my time, my future and quite possibly my sanity depend on. Sure, if I don’t pass I always have two more chances to take the exam… only the next round is the first week of June... a few days after I’m getting married! Ugh. I don’t think I can take another 4 months of studying! :-( Also, when I get stressed about an exam, I tend to avoid the books. I realize this is the ridiculous strategy in the world, but the more stressed I get, the less I want to study. The less I want to study, the more stressed I get. It’s one big vicious circle.

Add to the exam, the stress of organizing a wedding. Actually, the organizing part isn’t as stressful as the nagging mother. I’m trying not to think of the things that need to be done, but my mother sure is! Friday she insisted we go see bridesmaid dresses after I told her repeatedly that my bridesmaids won’t be wearing typical bridesmaid dresses, but I finally gave up. Sure, there were some nice dresses, but not what I was looking for… and certainly not the budget I had intended. When she asked the salesman how long it took to order a dress, he said 4 to 5 months (the wedding is in 4 months). My mom laughed and sighed heavily. I know that nervous laugh of hers… it’s intended to say: my poor disorganized daughter has left everything to the last minute. I shot her a look that could have set fire to her eyeballs and I’m pretty sure she felt the burn. It wasn’t my intention to do so, but I do not need the pressure she is putting on me. I don’t think she has any idea how big this exam is! You would think she could shut up about the wedding for another 10 days, right?

I just hope the stress diminishes after this exam… but I get the feeling it isn’t. They say your first year of nursing is one of the most stressful experiences someone can have. Great. At least I’ll be getting paid, right? Sure! But I don’t get a full paycheck until March… and I have to start dishing out scary amounts of money to pay back student loans… and then there’s this wedding thing we have to pay for and I think I’m hyperventilating again! Ugh

I thought writing out my stresses in my blog would be cathartic, but it’s stressing me out even more just thinking about it all. I need to go study now… or cry… I’m still not sure which to do first.