Just Type.

It feels like I’ve forgotten how to type... it’s been that long since I’ve updated! I have no excuse other than having a hard time articulating what is going on in my life. So what has been going on in the last two months?

•           Our house still hasn’t sold and we’ve only had 1 offer which fell through at the last minute. Our realtor says there is nothing wrong with the house it’s just the current market. It still sucks
•           We put a conditional offer on a new house, but we need to sell ours first. So far the new place is still available and we’re hoping it stays that way until we can sell ours
•           Work has been grueling with overtime almost every shift. :-( I’ve been in oncology 7 months now and have finally found my groove. However, half the department is pregnant or on mat leave which practically makes me “senior staff” and with it comes more responsibility. It’s really a sink or swim kind of department and right now I’m treading water with my head just barely above the waterline. There’s a new job in pediatrics, but it scares me to apply... as silly as it might seem, I feel like I haven’t learned enough in oncology to go back. Plus, I’ve just completed my training to administer chemotherapy and I feel like I “owe” them.
•          We’re tentatively planning another round of IVF in the Fall, but nothing feels certain.
•           Mr Perfect is trying to sell his Mustang as well, but it has been up for sale for 4 months and nothing.
•           We were at the vet 4 times in less than 3 weeks with Bentley. Once he swallowed a bee and scared us half to death, while the other 3 times were for a badly cut paw. He had to be sedated twice and had lots of stitches. Thank goodness it is finally healing
•          I feel very ho hum about life these days. It just feels like so much crappy stuff is going on and I just want a little break. I see pregnancies all around me and now it seems people who started trying when we started are on their second pregnancy and it’s just not fair! Why can’t it work for us? Why must we constantly go through all these hurdles? Am I just being negative? I just wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, you know?

I’ll end things on a happier note. Even though I feel like everything is doom and gloom these days, we have had a beautiful summer and have tried lots a new activities. So far this summer we’ve been canoeing, horseback riding, yardsaling, hiking and had a 2 day vacation to the island with the dogs. All in all, we have tried to make the best of things.

The Human Pincushion Experiment

Well, the injections have begun and this whole process is actually happening. I gave myself my first injection of drug A (Suprefact) on Tuesday and so far, so good. I’ve given myself 5 injections so far and only have 62 injections left! Yeehaw! I’ll continue drug A for another week and will then add two more drugs: B (Gonal-F) and C (Luveris). By then I’ll be on 5 injections/day.

I’ve been dealing with everything pretty well, although Mr Perfect says I have some serious mood swings. I’m not sure he’s right, but I was high as a kite when he picked me up from work the other days and then bawling 15 minutes later... but I’m still not convinced. :-P

Work is still going ok, although I had a really rough time last week.  I’m glad I’m only working a short week this week. I needed a break!

Pacha’s surgery is set for next Wednesday so I’ll be sure to update you on her progress. I’m pretty confident it’s all going to go smoothly.

February Méli-Mélo

Wow! I haven’t posted in almost a month! I realise I was a bit of a Debbie Downer in my last post, but things have gotten better. Since my last post, I’ve become a little more positive about everything. So here is an update on all things Changa

Life as a busted babymaker

A few weeks ago we got our official IVF dates. Yay! I’m feeling pretty good about the entire thing. After my last freak out session I stopped thinking about all the negative “what ifs” because it was making me crazy. Instead, I’ve been focusing on the positive and letting myself get excited at the possibility of being pregnant soon. I realise I might be setting myself up for a major let down, but I feel much better focusing on the positive. When I was trying to prepare myself for the possibility of the IVF not working, I was constantly in a panic mode... with a positive outlook, there is no more hyperventilating, no more crying and my husband doesn’t have to deal with my crazies every other day. :-)

We’ll be going to an information session on Monday at the clinic where we’ll learn how to understand the wonky calendar we have to follow, how to mix and inject drugs and how the whole thing is going to go down. I’m excited to finally have all the information. I find we haven’t been told much. What information we received was on the same day we got the diagnosis and there’s no way you can integrate all this complex info when all you can focus on is not crying. Thank goodness for great friends like Chelle and JL who have been wonderful at filling in the blanks. Thanks to Chelle, I realized I needed to take some time off work… which my new boss has been really great about. She actually changed my shifts around so I wouldn’t have to use my sick days. I only have 7 sick days and I would have needed about 5, sp I’m really glad she was able to do that for me.

After the information session I start injections on February 21 for about two weeks. Then, on March 4 I’ll a whole bunch of new drugs to the regiment in preparation for the egg retrieval on March 15. Finally, we’re looking at an embryo(s) transfer on either March 18 or March 20. Looks like we might have some good news in April!

Life as an oncology nurse

I’m on my third week at the oncology department and so far, so good. I really miss my little babes and all the great friends I made in peds, but I’m surviving. Many of the nurses I work with have young children and 2 are a few months pregnant. That could be a really wonderful thing if we get pregnant or really disappointing thing if IVF doesn’t work. We just have to wait and see.

Oncology it is.

I thought I would update for those of you who were wondering.... I've decided to take the job in oncology (cancer patients). I can't say I'm thrilled, but it is what it is. I keep trying to see it as an opportunity for growth, but all I can see is additional stress at a time when I just can't handle anymore. 


I start February 1.

The reason why I’m not pregnant

Forget the hormonal imbalances, or the timing issues, or any other unknown issues. I think I’ve figured out why I’m not pregnant: I’m just not ready. Most of you would be shocked to hear me say these words cause I’ve been ready for kids most of my life. However, in the last few days I’ve come to the realisation that I might not be in the best place to have a child right now... and maybe the universe realised that. While I was studying, professors all told us that the first year of your career in nursing would be the most difficult and the most stressful. Nevertheless, I always thought I would be above that. However, I recently realised that the stress of the job and shift work might be getting to me. Add to that the difficult adjustment I’ve had with new medication and the subsequent weight gain associated with the new meds and I’ve just not been in the greatest place emotionally in the last few months. I’m constantly exhausted and way too overemotional, as my husband can attest. I’m guessing adding the stress of pregnancy wouldn’t have helped the situation much. So it looks like I need to get healthy. It’s time to stop whining about not being pregnant and start taking care of me... if I could just get off the couch. *sigh*

I forgot to mention... I’m a Nurse!

I just realised I never posted about my RN exam and my wonderful passing grade! Although, I seriously doubt anyone who follows my blog is unaware of this fact since I’ve been shouting it from the rooftops for weeks now. :-)

In other news, our wedding is 8 weeks away and I am so happy we decided to move our reception from our backyard to an indoor venue. Given the stat of our backyard currently, it was a very wise decision, as evidence by the pictures below:






These days, it’s all wedding talk, all the time. Things are really falling into place, though and we seem to be crossing things off the massive to do list every day. If you know me at all, you won’t be surprised by the fact that we have a website... check it out at pierre-danielle.com.

Work is also going really well and I love what I do every day. Sure, I still come home exhausted and complaining on some days, but I think that’s just part of any career.

I guess that’s it for me, these days. Just thought a quick update was in need.

Updates All Around

There are lots of updates these days do I figured the best way to tackle them was with a Méli-Mélo post.

Changa and the RN Exam
I wrote my exam on Wednesday. It was brutal and exhausting, but at least it’s done for now. Now I have 6 weeks to wait and wonder. Actually, I’m not stressing about it at all. There is nothing I can do for 6 weeks so I might as well not stress about it until I get the results. If I fail, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. Besides, I’m fairly certain I scored somewhere between a 40% and an 85%. :-P

Changa and the meds
If you’ve been a regular reader, you’ll know I was diagnosed with depression (dysthemia) 15 years ago. I’ve been on my current meds for 7 years. Wow! That’s a long time. Anyway, my doctor has decided to switch my medication since there is no evidence that the ones I currently take wouldn’t have an effect on a baby should I become pregnant in the future. *Sigh* It is quite scary to think I’m going to be switching my medication at a time when I’m experiencing a high level of stress. It’ll take months to complete the switch since I have to taper two different meds, one at a time and then slowly integrate the new med. I could put off the switch until my job is more stable, but why delay the inevitable. I’m also going to do acupuncture in the hopes that it will balance out the bad effects of the transfer. Wish me luck cause I know I’ll need it!

Changa and the new job
I’ve completed my two weeks of orientation and Monday I start working on the unit. It’s scary and exciting! I still can’t believe it’s actually here. I think it’s going to take some time getting used to the idea that I’m a nurse. Wow.

Changa and the Wedding
We’ve decided to forgo the beautiful backyard reception I had dreamt about for a more practical option. I was quite disappointed in the beginning, but I’m starting to warm up to the idea and the wheel of creativity is churning! The backyard reception would have been wonderful, but the logistics of organising said reception plus a backup reception was getting to be too much. I would be essentially planning too receptions with the guarantee that one of them would not happen. We had tough of renting a tent, but if it rains the entire month of May, no tent will help with the marshland that our backyard will become! So, I think we’ve settled on the local press club. It doesn’t have the wedding-y feel I was hoping to avoid and is different enough from your typical hall or hotel ballroom to make me happy. It also means trimming the guest list will not be as stressful. We’re also meeting our potential officiant next week and we have a general direction for the bridesmaid dresses. Yay!

I think that’s it for now. :-)

Why am I cleaning out my purse?

I’m pretty sure I was studying, but now I just finished cleaning my purse... how the heck did that happen? Let’s see...

Step 1: Studying
Step 2: Reviewing info on liver function and liver diseases
Step 3: Reading that there are 5 different types of Hepatitis (Hepatitises?). I had forgotten there were so many varieties
Step 4: Wondering which Hepatitis immunization I have
Step 5: Checking my immunization record which is in my wallet
Step 6: Realising my wallet is a mess
Step 7: Going through the papers and reorganising my various cards
Step 8: Incessant need to blog about it

Seriously Changa; FOCUS!



At least I got in a good two hours this morning before the cleaning incident. It’s time for my lunch break anyway.

Stress is exhausting

This is the conclusion I’ve come to this morning. I’m exhausted... and I think it’s because I’m stressed. Yesterday I spent a better part of the day studying and last night I think I could have gone to bed at 7:00 pm. It’s not the studying that’s so awful, it’s the pressure of passing this damn CRNE (Canadian Registered Nurse Exam). It’s just an exam… upon which my salary, my time, my future and quite possibly my sanity depend on. Sure, if I don’t pass I always have two more chances to take the exam… only the next round is the first week of June... a few days after I’m getting married! Ugh. I don’t think I can take another 4 months of studying! :-( Also, when I get stressed about an exam, I tend to avoid the books. I realize this is the ridiculous strategy in the world, but the more stressed I get, the less I want to study. The less I want to study, the more stressed I get. It’s one big vicious circle.

Add to the exam, the stress of organizing a wedding. Actually, the organizing part isn’t as stressful as the nagging mother. I’m trying not to think of the things that need to be done, but my mother sure is! Friday she insisted we go see bridesmaid dresses after I told her repeatedly that my bridesmaids won’t be wearing typical bridesmaid dresses, but I finally gave up. Sure, there were some nice dresses, but not what I was looking for… and certainly not the budget I had intended. When she asked the salesman how long it took to order a dress, he said 4 to 5 months (the wedding is in 4 months). My mom laughed and sighed heavily. I know that nervous laugh of hers… it’s intended to say: my poor disorganized daughter has left everything to the last minute. I shot her a look that could have set fire to her eyeballs and I’m pretty sure she felt the burn. It wasn’t my intention to do so, but I do not need the pressure she is putting on me. I don’t think she has any idea how big this exam is! You would think she could shut up about the wedding for another 10 days, right?

I just hope the stress diminishes after this exam… but I get the feeling it isn’t. They say your first year of nursing is one of the most stressful experiences someone can have. Great. At least I’ll be getting paid, right? Sure! But I don’t get a full paycheck until March… and I have to start dishing out scary amounts of money to pay back student loans… and then there’s this wedding thing we have to pay for and I think I’m hyperventilating again! Ugh

I thought writing out my stresses in my blog would be cathartic, but it’s stressing me out even more just thinking about it all. I need to go study now… or cry… I’m still not sure which to do first.

Nurse Changa, thank you very much

It's offical - I'm a graduate nurse! I finished writing my final exam this morning and unless there is some sort of unforseen disaster, I am all done my BSc Nursing!

I can't believe it's done! 3 and a half years went by really fast... although it didn't always feel like it was going by all that fast some days. I'm so proud of myself... now pass me a beer!

This week’s Méli-Mélo

Bentley the Kleptomaniac
It would appear we have a sneaky kleptomaniac on our hands. Bentley likes to collect things and hide them in his crate. We’re crate training right now so unless we have all our attention on him, in the crate he goes. This way, if we catch him doing something he isn’t suppose to do, we can correct him immediately. He’ll be in the crate for a month or two until he learns the rules of the house. For the most part, we’re pretty good at keeping an eye on him, but once in a while we’ll slack off, i.e., I’m just going to run upstairs to pee, he’ll be fine for a minute or, I forgot something in the basement, I’ll be right back. And that’s when the klepto strikes! His favourite steal is Mr Perfect’s slippers. Other things he’s stolen? A box of Kleenex, a dish towel, plastic cups, one of my slippers and a plastic cover for a juice container. The thing is, he never even attempts these things when we’re around. Silly dog.

Bentley the sleeper
We’ve had our big guy for a little over a week now and going to bed is now under control. He no longer cries when we go to bed – success. He does, however, cry bloody murder from 6 am until we get up. *sigh* So far we’ve been ignoring him and hoping this will eventually stop. He’s such a lazy little bugger too! It amazes me that a dog that can run 45 miles/hour can be so lazy! After our evening walk with the dogs, then are both done for the night. It’s hard to get either one up for the last pee of the night! Hah!

Pacha the little big sister
It would seem to Pacha that Bentley has always been around. It’s like she doesn’t realise that he’s new! They both get along great and Pacha is usually the one who initiates play when we are outside. It’s wonderful to see our little girl playing because it’s not something she does very often. She also seems to like Bentley’s crate. The other day I was getting Bentley ready to go to the vet and Pacha came up when she realised I had taken Bentley’s leach out. She knows they always go for walks together and she got excited for the potential outing. I told her no, only Bentley was going to the vet. If she knew the word vet, I know she would be happy she wasn’t going. I finish getting Bentley ready and turn around looking for Pacha. Where was she? In Bentley’s crate. She was like: “the big guy is going out? Woohoo! I get the big bed!” Tee Hee! Another thing she does which makes me laugh, is she’s always walking under him... like it’s perfectly normal for her to do so. If he’s in her way she won’t walk around him, she’ll just stroll under him. Hah!

Preceptorship – 66% done!
I can’t believe I’m two thirds of the way through my preceptorship! Holy crap! I’m almost a nurse! The preceptorship is going really well and the staff is even trying to convince the nurse manager to hire me... even though there is a hiring freeze. It feels great to be wanted. :-) Pediatrics is really my world.

My future – I signed on the dotted line
It’s official! I have a job in January. I finally signed with Hospital F last week and I was assigned to the pediatric department! I am so happy! Even though my preceptorship is with Hospital E, I’m really happy to have signed with Hospital F. For the time being, I think it’s a better fit for my personality.

I think that’s it for now!

So much for leverage or decisions

** Note: I’ve changed the name of Hospital A to Hospital F and Hospital B to Hospital E. If you’re a local you’ll understand why and it will hopefully be less confusing.

I just talked to the nursing director at Hospital E and they have no full-time permanent positions to offer. They do have positions in ICU but they don't hire new grads (but I'm not interested in ICU anyway). I'm frustrated and sad that I don't have more options. I mean, Hospital F’s offer looks promising, but I was really hoping I would have options AND leverage when I graduated. I DO have lots of options... just not in my city. I'm also especially frustrated because I'm doing my preceptorship at Hospital E, with no apparent chance of a job there. Had I known I didn't have that option I would have chosen the Hospital F for my preceptorship. It means doing a month at the Hospital E, learning the ins and outs of the department and then having to start all over again when I start at Hospital F in January.

She said she could meet with me near the end of November and when I told her I already had an offer from Hospital F so I would like to meet earlier, she said I should take the offer from Hospital F because she wouldn't be able to make me an offer anyway. How is this even possible in the midst of a national nursing shortage?! Is it silly that I'm so upset over this?

For the last few months our professors keep telling us: choose wisely because your first year is crucial. Choose a hospital that offers lots of support for new grads and Hospital E has a better reputation in this department than Hospital F. Now it seems it’s not even a choice.

I’m being over dramatic, right?

Decisions, decisions.

I’m getting really annoyed with Hospital E and their complete lack of wooing. Humph. We’ve been wooed by local Hospital F, two other hospitals in the province, one in Ontario and one in Quebec. Seriously, Hospital E really isn’t in the game this year. In fact, it seems impossible to even get a meeting with someone. Unless I’ve been blacklisted, I really don’t know what’s up with them.

I met with Hospital F this morning and a job offer is on its way. I was honest with them and stated I would be considering both local hospitals and they respected my decision. However, they do need an answer from me by November 15th. From now until then I’m hoping to get a meeting with Hospital E so I can at least have something to compare. The most frustrating part is, I’m doing my preceptorship at Hospital E because I wanted to be able to compare both paediatric departments (I’ve worked several times in Hospital F’s peds unit) before choosing where I wanted to start my career. However, I need to make a choice by November 15th and my preceptorship only starts on November 17th. Blarg.

I got peds!

I got the preceptorship I wanted in paediatrics! YAY! I’ll be doing my preceptorship ay Hospital E and I start in a few weeks. My preceptorship is the final stage in my bachelor program – once I’m done I’ll be a nurse. WOW! The difference between a preceptorship and a clinical practicum is essentially the one-on-one work. In a practicum you have a teacher and are in a group of 5 to 7 students and usually have up to 4 patients. In a preceptorship it’s just you and a nurse. The first few shifts you work together while she shows you the ropes. Once she feels you’re ready she gives you the full patient workload (usually 6 to 8 patients) and steps back to just observe. It’s like being a real nurse but with a safety net.

I’m so happy I got my first choice! My second choice was in neuro but it wasn’t so much because of my interest in the field, but because it’s a unit I feel comfortable in and it would have given me some great learning opportunities.

I also have a formal interview with Hospital F on Tuesday so I’m looking forward to the continued wooing from them. Hopefully now that I have my perceptorship at hospital E they’ll get on the wooing train too.

Let the wooing begin!

I just got back from my first informal meeting with one of the hospitals regarding jobs once I graduate. You know it’s going to be good when the first thing they say is, “it’s not a question of whether or not we choose you-It’s whether you choose us" and "what can we do as an employer to convince you we're the best choice". Sweet!

Now that I’ve seen what Hospital F has to offer, let’s see what Hospital E can do for me. :-) So far Hospital F is looking pretty good... if they could throw in a signing bonus I think I would be sold. It’s surprising though, because I was sure it was going to be Hospital E who would win me over. All I can say is they better start wooing soon or they might lose me.

One Last Time

I realise I’m much more excited than I should be, but this morning I registered for Fall classes and I realised it’s the last time I’ll be registering for classes FOREVER! I won’t have to fight with the stupid computer program that always blocks my registration because it thinks I don’t have all the required classes. I’ll be paying my tuition for the last time.... I’ll be waiting in line for hours for my student for the last time... I’ll be buying school supplies for myself for the last time. It’s all so exciting!

I said “Yes to the Dress” and other updates

I bought my wedding dress yesterday! Just like when I met Mr. Perfect, I knew instantly it was the one. Awww, how corny am I? It’s a second-hand find which makes it even more “me”. Hah! Now it feels like it’s all very real. :-) Unfortunately, you won’t get a sneak peak at the dress since my husband-to-be happens to be an avid reader. I guess you’ll just have to wait another 9 months.

5 shifts to go – the countdown begins.
I’m almost done my LAST clinical rotation. I can’t believe the end is almost here! Once September hits, I’ll only have 5 classes left, plus my preceptorship and then I’ll be a real nurse. Crazy how time flies, huh? My current rotation is in critical care. For the most part it’s like any other rotation with the exception of a killer exam and a few shifts in the ER and in ICU. My teacher is the evil nurse who made me cry my first semester in nursing. So far though, I seem to have gained her respect and haven’t been yelled at. I’m keeping my fingers crossed! I also hate to admit it, but I'm actually learning a lot from her.

Dude – Chill! You’re Stressing me Out!

I’ve been working at the hospital as a student nurse for over a month now and so far it’s been fairly good. I’m still finding it very difficult to change departments almost every shift, but it’s getting better. It’s great that I’ve been getting more comfortable with the environment and my role as a nurse. Hopefully it will pay off during my next clinical work that starts in a few weeks.

My big issue with working at the hospital is realising just how stressed out everyone is! It almost doesn’t matter what floor you are working on, they are always short-staffed and over worked. Last week, while working on the maternity ward, all the nurses had worked double shifts in the last few weeks... that means working 24 hours straight. 8-0 Working a double every couple of weeks appears to be the norm for most of the hospital. It’s freakin’ scary. Yesterday, while working in paediatrics, one girl started to cry because she was over-worked. The horror stories just keep coming. Ugh. It’s been stressing me out but I’ve been too afraid to mention it because people might say: “I told you so” or “You can’t freak out now... you haven’t even started!” I didn’t sleep much last night or the night before because all of this has been on my mind... this morning it caught up to me in the form of a migraine. Even though I tried my best to push through it (medicated, showered, etc.) I just couldn’t and ended up calling in sick. It has me a little freaked because I’m not even two month into it and already calling in sick?! Gah!

Anyway, there’s not much point to this post other than needing to get this out.

Teacher’s Pet

I’m currently doing my second of 5 clinical rotations in psychiatry. My first rotation was a six week stint in neurology. I really loved the department and got to work with some amazing patients, but I can’t say I loved my practicum. So far, my current practicum has been pretty sweet! The major difference between the two rotations is mostly my standing in the group. Because of scheduling issues, my group was split into several groups for the first rotation so this is the first time we are all together. I’ve been matched up with some good students both times, but there always seems to be a pecking order. In my neurology rotation I was on the bottom of the totem pole while on this one, I’m the star pupil. The difference is amazing, yet somewhat disturbing.

In my neurology rotation we were 7 students and I would say we were all on an even playing field (somewhat anyway). The teacher assigned to us, we’ll call her Ginger, was teaching for the very first time so she had quite a few challenges. No matter how hard I tried I always got a bad vibe from her. I always got the feeling she didn’t feel I was doing a good job, even though I was doing exactly the same thing as the others. My friend and fellow student Sarah (not her real name) was definitely the star pupil in the group... and she didn’t seem to see why I was so frustrated. In her eyes, Ginger was an awesome teacher who gave us lots of freedom and didn’t ask much of us. Maybe it was because I was a more demanding student: I didn’t like when she cancelled our clinical (something she did 4 times) or cut them short (at least 2 hours every day) and would get frustrated because she never gave me any of the challenging cases. Sarah on the other hand got to do all the cool stuff: insert an NG tube, insert a couple of IVs, insert a catheter, attend a neuro surgery, etc. I did nothing but bath my patients... and I mean NOTHING. It was incredibly frustrating. All the other students got to try new things and each passing was just another week I didn’t get to do anything. I ended up with a B, which was the lowest grade she gave. Humph. Anyway, the clinical is over with so I’m moving on.

In my new rotation, however, I’m the one getting the special treatment. Whenever I make a mistake my teacher (Nadine), brushes it off saying something like, I know you knew better, so don’t worry about it. I get to do things no one else does too. On Friday I’ll be at the children and adolescent psychiatric unit; a privilege no one else ever gets. She’s also said that next week I can job shadow the psychiatric nurse in Emerg. She’s constantly praising me and telling me what a bright student I am and how much potential I have. It’s awesome to have all these opportunities, but I’m also feeling guilty about it. This new group of students isn’t as evenly matched as my previous group. Out of five students including myself I would say two are strong students, two are strong students lacking self-confidence and one is out in left field. Also, Nadine is the type of teacher who makes you suffer if you aren’t up to her standards or if you don’t stand by your convictions. She yells at students, degrades them and makes them cry and want to quit on a daily basis. It really sucks for the students who have a target on their back, but they also didn’t come prepared for the clinical either. One student in particular, “Linda” is a mature student who has been doing her Bachelor for-ev-er. She’s failed a few classes because, as she said, “the teacher made her fail”, and keeps screwing up on a daily basis. On our first day she showed up in street wear when everyone else was in scrubs. That same week she missed her assignment because “no one told her she had to go to the hospital to get it” and yet the other 4 students had clearly understood we had an assignement. It takes her 30 minutes to give meds to 2 patients when it takes about 5 to 10 minutes for everyone else. Nadine LOVES to pick on her and boy does she! The more Nadine screams, the more Linda flails. It’s really sad to see.

All this to say that it’s awesome getting special treatment, but I don’t want the other students to start hating me. I mean, for one thing it’s not fair and for another, we’re going to be together for another 4 months! I keep trying to remind myself to just take advantage of all the opportunities I’m getting (it is my career, after all) while remaining level headed as possible. I try my best to help out the students and encourage them, because two of them just need to know they are doing a good job, but even that doesn’t work because now Nadine has told me that she’ll be lowering my grade if I keep helping everyone else. Grrr.

Anyway, I guess I just have to remember to keep my ego in check because my next rotation could do a 180! It’s tough when so much of your grade depends on how well you “connect” with the prof.



***

Taking off the glasses

Living with Dysthemia is never easy, but it’s particularly challenging when the illness is affecting you and you don’t even realise it. Sometimes it feels like you are wearing a really bad pair of glasses that amplify your faults, diminish your strengths and makes you see things in other people that just aren’t there. Take yesterday for example. I was just finishing up the first week of my new clinical practicum. New clinicals are always challenging because everything is, well, new: new department, new teacher, new students, and new ways of doing things. This one was particularly challenging since it had been 6 months since the last clinical (talk about feeling rusty), it was at a different hospital AND in a different language (English vs French). Add to all that the exhaustion of long shifts, late nights of research to prep for the following day and sleepless nights filled with anxiety.

By the end of my shift yesterday I was in tears. I felt like I was doing everything wrong and couldn’t seem to get the hang of even the most basic things like bathing my patient. Warning TMI (too much information) ahead... when you have to change your semi-comatose patient’s sheet because you’ve managed to spread bodily fluids everywhere, you know your technique is definitely lacking. :-( I felt completely incompetent and awkward, I felt like all the other students were breezing through everything and were way more experienced than me. I was really regretting taking a desk job over the summer instead of one as an orderly. When my teacher talked about issues during the day at the end of the shift, I was certain they were all about me.

Even with Mr. Perfect I thought I was doing things wrong. After work I drove to Truro to drop off my car (which has been sold by the way – yay). I felt like Mr. Perfect was frustrated to have to give me a drive back home, even though he was in Nova Scotia already for work. I was sure he was upset with me because I had sold my car and would now be “burdening” him with my lack of transportation. I managed to convince myself that he was keeping some kind of frustration from me, which resulted in me asking (over and over again), “is anything wrong?”

I ended up sleeping in the spare bedroom just so I could cry myself to sleep. I didn’t want to Mr. Perfect to know I couldn't keep it together. This morning wasn’t much better. Even though I had been working on my weekly report every night this week, I still had hours of work to do before my noon deadline. My head ached and I was completely overwhelmed by the 30 pages or so of work that needed to be completed.

I only realised I had been “wearing my Dysthemia glasses” for the last two days when Mr. Perfect asked me if I had taken my medication. I had, but the question seemed to send an alarm bell in the back of my mind. I suddenly realised I wasn’t an incompetent nurse or a horrible girlfriend... I was in a fog of Dysthemia. It’s incredible how it can distort your perceptions and make you imagine the most ridiculous things. I’ve since been able to “remove my glasses”, but I need to remind myself of my illness whenever my exhaustion or stress makes me doubt myself. It’s odd to think than anyone would need to be reminded of an illness. We’ve also planned to go for a run this afternoon, which I know will help greatly.