Bentley the Fortune Teller

So yesterday I got home a few hours later than usual and Bentley decided he would entertain himself during the long wait with my tarot cards:

I had someone I know from a web forum interpret the spread and this is what she came up with:

A dearly held dream is coming to fruitition. Your strength as a unified couple is imperitive as it will be tested in the coming days. There will be a future challenge that will be overcome despite delays. While you may think it is strictly down to you to acomplish this goal, look to your partner also... he plays a larger role in the success of your endevour than first thought. Don't feel alone... there are many who have travelled on this path. However, don't forget to lean on your partner more heavily in the days to come, he can take it. The outcome is delightful... a happy change and a huge step forward.

She has no idea we are doing IVF. I think I'm going to rent out my puppy for readings lol

The reason why I’m not pregnant

Forget the hormonal imbalances, or the timing issues, or any other unknown issues. I think I’ve figured out why I’m not pregnant: I’m just not ready. Most of you would be shocked to hear me say these words cause I’ve been ready for kids most of my life. However, in the last few days I’ve come to the realisation that I might not be in the best place to have a child right now... and maybe the universe realised that. While I was studying, professors all told us that the first year of your career in nursing would be the most difficult and the most stressful. Nevertheless, I always thought I would be above that. However, I recently realised that the stress of the job and shift work might be getting to me. Add to that the difficult adjustment I’ve had with new medication and the subsequent weight gain associated with the new meds and I’ve just not been in the greatest place emotionally in the last few months. I’m constantly exhausted and way too overemotional, as my husband can attest. I’m guessing adding the stress of pregnancy wouldn’t have helped the situation much. So it looks like I need to get healthy. It’s time to stop whining about not being pregnant and start taking care of me... if I could just get off the couch. *sigh*

It’s a long one… you’ve been warned

I think I had a slight breakthrough with Mr. Maybe last night. I got him to talk about his feelings and stress he’s been living with lately. Unfortunately, I didn’t get him to talk about his feelings regarding me… all in due time, I guess.

He talked a lot about his son and how his very unexpected birth has had a significant impact on his life. I mean, how could a child not have an impact on his life? I asked him if he ever realized that, as much as his son is a precious gift, that his arrival was also an important loss in his life. It was a loss of the future life he had envisioned for himself and a future wife. When I said this, it was like I had reached into his mind and pulled out exactly what he was feeling but had never really realized it. He might have thought it, but also felt guilty for thinking it, just like any parent would. The fact that I was able to pin point his feelings gave him carte blanche to say what he really felt. However, when he talked about his frustration, he said he had never even wanted kids. My heart breaks every time he says this. It’s always followed by, really I don’t know if I ever wanted kids… all I know is I never wanted a child this way. I don’t know what I want for the future. It’s hard for me because I really want kids and I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with a guy who doesn’t want children. But he’s still on the fence on the subject and I can’t expect him to know what he wants in the future because he just had a child! I can’t ask him to make that kind of decision right now! Just thinking of my friends who have had a child within the last few years and the struggles they have with the decision to have another child, makes me realize it’s completely unfair of me to even broach the subject. My friend M recently, who has an 18-month old daughter, told me recently, “I can guarantee you he’s not thinking about and kids in the same thought process. In fact the thought of more kids… especially with you has probably never even crossed his minds”. I know she’s right, but I wonder if I’m wasting my time… I worry that a year from now he’ll decide he doesn’t want any more children and then what? I will be 34 years old and no closer to having a child. Wow. 34 is getting up there when it comes to having kids. The thought of it just makes my stomach turn! Then again, he’s still just Mr. Maybe… but is he just Mr. Maybe because I won’t let myself feel more because I’m afraid we won’t want the same things or is he Mr. Maybe because I simply don’t know if he’s Mr. Right.

I know I should just relax and enjoy the ride, but I’m a planner by nature and need to know what will happen in the future. I’m not sure I can wait until the end of exams to have the “where is this going” talk. I think I’m going to have to confront that subject sooner rather than later.


...

Retrospective

It appears I’ve been studying my brother’s medical history this semester. In one of my classes called Soins de l’adulte (which essentially deals with disease management), we’ve focused, among others, on diabetes, renal failure and heart failure; all things that affected my brother. During my last class earlier this week, I couldn’t help but think how much I would love to get my hands on my brother’s medical records. I understand so much more about his diseases now and would love to see what was documented in his files. I realise that will never happen now that he has passed away, but I think it would be wonderful to get a better understanding of what he went through. I mean this not only from a nursing perspective, but also from a personal perspective. I’ve come to realise that I truly didn’t understand him or just how much his illness affected his personal life.

Sometimes, during class, I go over scenes from my past and think about what I know now versus then. I can see now why certain actions where taken and just how many times I was lied to or when medical staff did things that weren’t appropriate. None of them were major, but I still find it so fascinated just how naive I was. I wonder how things might have been different had I been a nurse when my dad or brother were dying.

When my father was diagnosed with a second bout of cancer 15 years ago, I had no information whatsoever. No one ever told me the extent of his disease and up until the last few weeks, I didn’t even realize he was dying. I know this wasn’t the staff’s fault in any way, but rather my dad (and maybe my mom) simply omitting details to protect their children. After going through hundreds of oncology files during my work this summer, I know there is no way my father didn’t know he was dying. Whether my Mom knew or not is uncertain. When my father was transferred to palliative care, I was told it was because there was no other bed available in the hospital. I believed them. Now that I realized there is generally a waiting list to get into palliative care, I feel like such a fool. He didn’t go there because there weren’t any beds… he went there to die.

I wonder if my experiences will have an impact on my work as a nurse?

Anyway, classes are done for the semester and will soon be starting my finals. Twelve days to go and I’ll be done my first semester in nursing! Crazy how time flies.

Log-off; it’s a Simple Concept

I don’t understand why people don’t take the time to log-off after using a public computer. Almost everyday, I go check my emails during my break at the hospital. I can’t access personal emails while at work and since I have nothing to do during breaks; I use the public computers to do a quick check. Almost every time I go to yahoo or facebook, the last person who used the computer is still logged in. Don’t they know that I can see ALL their personal stuff!

Perhaps I’m just ubber cautious about my personal stuff, but I find it mind boggling!

My roommate does the same thing. She’ll use my computer while I’m away and not log off her facebook account. I click on facebook to see I have 274 notifications and 82 messages. For half a second I go wah? But then I realise it’s not even my account. I don’t think my roommate knows how to use facebook... I mean, she doesn’t even realise she has almost 100 messages!