Moving On

We still have 6 days until we find out whether I’m pregnant or not, but we’re both feeling very strongly that it didn’t work. It’s not that we are pessimists, but we know the reality of transferring grade 3, 5-cell embryos and the odds of it succeeding aren’t very good. I think we both started grieving when we found out the other 2 embryos didn’t make it. Reality set in and we stopped believing in miracles. People around us are all “don’t stop believing”, “Stay positive, it’ll work”, “It’s not over until it’ over”… but I don’t think we have it in us to start believing again. Having hope means setting ourselves up for a crushing disappointment. I just know I can’t bring myself up again just to fall back down.

In the meantime, we’ve been looking forward to all the things we’ll be able to do when we find out I’m not pregnant: drink alcohol, diet coke and coffee, have sex and smoke cigarettes! Sure, we don’t really smoke anymore, but at least we could if we wanted too! Of course, Mr Perfect can do all those things right now, but he can’t really enjoy it with me glaring at him. Hah!

So now we’re looking at our options. Do we drop another dime on a cycle or do we bow out and move on to adoption?  Of course, it all depends on what the clinic tells us. Why it didn’t work, what they think are our odds of having a second cycle work. That being said, it will still remain a big maybe. Dishing out more money on a “maybe” sounds depressing. That’s why we are seriously exploring adoption. We are already on the waiting list for an infant, but the wait is 8 to 9 years. So now we are moving on to international adoption and adopting an older child or a sibling group in our province. It’s a little overwhelming of course… we’ve been told over and over again how “damaged” these kids are. :-( But maybe that’s what we’re meant to do? Maybe we are supposed to adopt a child in need? When I found out I was being transferred from paediatrics to oncology (and was being all pouty about it), one of my friends said: “maybe it’s not about you or what you want Changa… maybe you are going to oncology because there are families who can truly use the care and guidance of a wonderful nurse.” This really struck a chord with me.  So maybe we can’t have kids on our own because our child is out there waiting… maybe this child has been waiting for us as long as we have been waiting for her/him? 

No Risk of Freezer Burn

I’m finally feeling better almost a week after the egg retrieval! I don’t think it was normal to feel THAT horrible for THAT long! I’m just glad I finally feel human again. The clinic just called to let us know the other two embryos didn’t make it and we have nothing to freeze. No surprise there, really. I can’t say I’m disappointed as I had already grieved the loss earlier this week.

Other than that it’s same old, same old around these parts.

First Baby Pictures?

Well, I'm PUPO: pregnant until proven otherwise! We found out when we got to the clinic that the embryos didn't progress as much as they should have, but they did the transfer anyway. We transfered two 5-cell embryos. The doctor said they were graded as level 3 and level 1 is ideal. :-( As for the other two they will keep them growing another two days and see what happens, but the nurse said we probably wouldn't have anything to freeze as they are even lower grade. Anyway, here's a picture of our babies :-)

I'm feeling sad, but also happy it's over and done with. I'm trying to stay positive because every time things seemed doom and gloom these little guys kept fighting. Let's hope they're here for the long haul.

Divide and Conquer

Yesterday morning we got our daily fertility report and we found out that all 4 eggs had been fertilised! This is amazing news! The reason why you want lots of eggs is because you lose so many at every stage of the process. Having all the eggs retrieved fertilised is awesome! Today’s fertility report is just as wonderful. We have two 2-cell embryos and two 4-cell embryos! According to our nurse, they should all be between 2 and 4 cells on day 2 so it sounds like we’re still doing great. We haven’t lost one yet and that’s the best news ever! We are scheduled to have them (hopefully two of them) transferred back into me tomorrow at 12:15. We all the disappointment last week, I’m so happy we have some little fighters on our hands. So far this is what they look like: 2-cell embryo

4-ell embryo

And tomorrow they should look like this:

As for me, I’m feeling pretty crappy. :-( The pain has subsided, only to be replaced with tummy issues. At least my crappy feelings keep me from worrying about my embryos – so that’s good! I’ve been shockingly calm all weekend!

Send More Good Drugs

Egg retrieval = done! I'm home from the ER and everything went well. As predicted, we got 4 eggs. I think they retrieved one more egg but it wasn't viable. I was pretty knocked out for the procedure, but was aware of what's going on. A few times it was crazy painful, but not so much I wouldn't do it again. The procedure was at 8 and we got home around noon. So far no nausea or dizziness, just really tired! I do have some abdominal pain which was tolerable until the good drugs wore off. This evening I'm having a lot more trouble moving around and the pain has increased significntly. Ugh. At least it's temporary. We won't know how many fertilised until our fertility report in the monring. I'll be sure to update you when we get our fertility report tomorrow morning.

Trigger Time

We've decided to go ahead with the egg retrieval. Yesterday's E2 level was only 642 so they had me stimmulate my ovaries one more day. This morning my E2 is 907... which is still very much on the low end, but we're moving ahead. We had 4 potential follicles measuring from 17.4 mm to 20.9 mm this morning.

Tonight I take my LAST injection to trigger ovulation and we'll be doing the ER on Friday morning.

I thought I would be over the moon excited when it would come time to trigger but I can't help but feel sad. This cycle just isn't what I expected it to be. It's just such a dissapointement when you look at the statistics of conceiving when you have a dozen eggs to retrieve that when you only have a few, you know the odds are stacked against you. I also feel a little bit like a failure... like I wasn't "able" to produce enough eggs. I know it's not my fault, it's the medication they prescribed me that didn't work as well... but it's hard not to blame yourself.

If I were a vegas card game, people wouldn't be betting on me, that's for sure.

The IVF Rollercoaster Blows!

I'm having a rough morning. We just got back from my ultrasound and bloodwork and it's not looking great.  Of my 3 potential follicles on the right, one is around 19 mm and one is around 17 mm... the other one has stopped growing. Of my 2 potential follicles on the left, one is at 17 mm and the other is on the lower side, but I can't remember the number. I'm so dissapointed. :-(

I'm on cycle day10 (CD10) and in a standard IVF cycle I would be done and ready to trigger ovulation, but I'm nowhere near ready! We're hoping we can continue stimulating (injections) for another day or two, but it'll depend on my E2 and my progesterone levels. They want the numbers to go up, but they don't want me to ovulate on my own. It' all very complicated. Sunday my E2 had progresed nicely to 364 and I was so happy, but now things have stalled. The doctor said we might have to make the decision to cancel the cycle depending on my levels. We can do the egg retrieval (ER) with a potential of 3 eggs, but the odds of having anything to transfer aren't good. The other option she gave us is to trigger ovulation and convert our cycle to an IUI. Our odds of an IUI working are slim to none, but at least we wouldn't waste all the stimmulating I've done in the last month.  It would however, mean we could get about 65% of our investement back and have that money available for another cycle. If money weren't an issue, we would just keep going and get what we would get. Unfortuneately I'm not Celine Dion (and thank God cause she's a bit of a bitch.... did I every tell you she pushed me when I was little... but that's another story), so money is an issue.

I have to go in for a 12 hour shift at 10:30 and we have this big decision looming over our heads. The IVF rollercoaster sucks. :-(

Update on my Eggies

I’ve been stimulating my ovaries for 7 days now and I’m not responding as well as my doctors had hoped. They boosted my meds twice and we’re hoping this last boost will kick things up a notch (or two). I’m going back in tomorrow morning for more blood tests and an ultrasound and then we’ll see.

Right now I’m on CD 7 and yesterday my E2 was 124. The higher the E2, the more follicles I’ll have. However, they don’t want the E2 to rise too fast as that could have serious side effects. It’s an art, really. Anyway, I had 1 follicle measuring 15.3 mm on the right side plus 5 follicles less than 10mm. On the left side I had about 5 follicles less than 10 mm. Essentially, follicles greater than 18 mm might contain an egg so we want those follicles to grow to about 20 mm (for more eggs!) When they count out the follicles less than 10 mm, it means these are growing but haven’t grown enough to measure. 

So that’s the latest info on us. I’ll report back when I have new numbers!

It’s an Update Kinda Day

I realise I’m behind on a few updates, so here goes!

Pacha Post-op

Pacha had her surgery last Wednesday and it went really well. Turns out the two lumps were cysts and not tumours – so yay! Although she was wide awake a running around that same afternoon, she did seem to be in a little bit of pain. She would just stand there and stare even though she was exhausted. I think she didn’t want to move cause it hurt her. At one point I laid her down so she could rest. Once down she didn’t move at all and fell asleep in that exact position... the picture is priceless!

I’m happy to report she was back to her old self the very next day.

Pin Cushion Experiment

Last Sunday I started on my 5 injections per day regiment. So far, so good. It’s a bit of a challenge managing so many injections, but it’s going well. Mr Perfect gives me a hand whenever he can so that helps a lot. For those who know the terminology, I’m on CD3 of stims and go back in tomorrow morning for blood work and ultrasound to see how things are progressing. We’re still looking at a potential egg retrieval on March 15 (in 9 days!), but it all depends on how I respond to the meds.

I guess that’s about it for now – I’ll try my best to keep you posted