Decisions, decisions.

It's official. We will never have our own biological children. After another failed round of IVF, it has become clear that we have run out of options. I posted a message about this on facebook. The feedback I received from friends and family was beautiful and comforting. However, it’s been a week since then and now I feel so alone. Of course, I have Mr. Perfect, but the fact is, I’m all alone in my head. I have all these thoughts and ideas swirling in my mind and it just won’t stop. We have so many choices and decisions to make regarding adoption that I can’t seem to be able to keep it all straight. I feel this overwhelming pressure to pick a path and to stick with it... but what if we pick the wrong path and end up waiting longer for a child? We’ve also been considering a pretty significant move for a while now. We really want to leave for a year and go on some kind of adventure. We are also hoping this adventure might offer us a chance to make some extra money for adoption. Currently, we are seriously considering moving to Calgary. I’m almost guaranteed a job in nursing and Mr. Perfect’s skill set is in high demand. So this is what we are looking at:

Option #1 – Stay put and wait for public adoption
Currently we are on the waiting list to do our PRIDE training. The wait time is 1 to 2 years. Once we’ve done our PRIDE training we have our home study done and once approved move to the official waiting list. Once we’re on the list the wait time can be another 1 to 3 years. Since we would like a sibling group and are open to children up to the age of 10, the expected wait is probably about 3 years. We’ve been waiting for our PRIDE training for 6 months.
Cost: Free
Pros:

• It’s free!
• We will more than likely get a sibling group and we would really love to have more than one child
• We stay in put
• Access to medical records and medical history

Cons:

• The wait time is unpredictable. They say about 3 years, but we’ve heard of couples who have requirements similar to ours and they’ve been waiting 4 years... and are still waiting
• We stay put
• We will not get a child younger than 2 years old
• All children are considered special needs because they have lived through some sort of trauma.

Option #2 – Move to Calgary and opt for private domestic adoption
Moving to Calgary would give us access to adoption agencies. Just reading about all the work the agencies do for you makes me feel more relaxed. I wish we would have these kinds of services locally! With private adoption (which is almost non-existent in NB), you get matched with birthmothers looking to give their child up for adoption. Wait time is approximately 2 years, but we’ve been told to prepare for 3 years.
Cost: approximately $12,000
Pros:

• The child placed with us will more than likely be younger than 2 years old
• Cost is significantly less than international adoption
• We get to move to Calgary, which is like an adventure
• Wait time feels less scary
• Access to medical records and medical history
• Domestic adoption doesn’t seem as scary complicated as international adoption
• We could potentially make more money in Alberta

Cons:

• We can’t start the process until we actually move to Calgary (something we hope to do in the spring)
• If we do start this process in Alberta, we need to stay in Alberta until 12 months after a child is placed with us... which could be up to 4 years!
• I’d miss my family horribly!
• Career wise, I would lose my seniority each time I move. My salary would reflect my experience, but I would be on the bottom of the list for choosing my vacation and would be last in line for promotions.
• Real estate is extremely high in Calgary which could mean living in an apartment our entire time there.

Option # 3 – Move to Calgary for a year, hope to make money and come back to adopt internationally
International adoption seems very overwhelming to me! Every country is different, their rules can change at any given moment and the costs are very high.
Cost: $25,000 to 50,000
Pros:

• We get to leave for a year on our “adventure” but still come back a year later (best of both worlds)
• If we opt for a US adoption, it can go quickly (2 to 3 years)

Cons:

• We wouldn’t be able to do a home study until we get back to NB (adding at least a year to the wait time). From what I’ve read, agencies all require their own home study and interprovincial transfers are rare and complicated.
• Wait times are unpredictable and countries can suddenly stop all adoptions. Wait time could be anywhere from 3 to 5 years... but it’s really not clear.
• Choosing a country is daunting because of the rules and restrictions
• Limited access to medical records and medical history
• US adoption is faster, but is also the most expensive option
• Cost is SCARY!

Option # 4 - Stay put and adopt internationally

If we were to stay put and adopt interntionally, we would likely opt for a US adoption. We don't have the savings to do this now and would have to go into considerable debt to adopt. Debt is something we are both anxious about.

Cost: $25,000 to 50,000

Pros:

• Staying put
• We don't lose any time by moving away for a year
• We could simutaneously keep our name on the public adoption list

Cons:

• All the cons from option #3
• Having to resort to fundraising and major loans to pay for the adoption

We're still no closer to making a decision and definitely feel the pressure to make one. Every day that passes by is another day we aren't on a waiting list. I'm going to be 37 in two months. I've never felt old or worried about my age, but 37 is frightening The chances of having a child before I'm 40 are slim to none. Most people I know scowl at the thought of starting a family at 40! We'll be raising teenagers in our late fifties... definitely terrifying. My father was 44 when I was born and died when I was 17. My entire life I swore I wouldn't have kids that late in life because my father's illnesses and death, but here I am. :-(

Deja Vu

I’ve been writing this post in my head for over a week. Somehow I just couldn’t bring myself to write it... almost like if I don’t say anything it’s not really real. We are currently in the middle of our second and last IVF cycle. As you might remember, we were told our chances of IVF working were greatly diminished because of my low ovarian reserve and the only chance we had was to do their most aggressive protocol. So here we are... cycle day 8 of the new aggressive protocol.

I started injections a week ago with a small dose of Suprefact twice a day (0,04ml). Then on Thursday I started stimulation injections with Menopur (3 bottles), in addition to evening shots of Saizen (human growth hormone). My daily baby-making routine involves taking 13 pills and 5 injections using 11 different bottles!

It feels very different then the last time. It fact, it doesn’t feel like it’s really happening. The first round was all excitement and hope while this one is uneasiness and fear. Knowing this is our last chance to have a biological child is a very daunting. Other than the new protocol, I am doing a few things differently. For one, we aren’t really talking about it as much as last time. Close friends know we are currently doing a cycle, as well as my sister and Mr. Perfect’s family, but I haven’t talked about it at work, or to my mother. The last time was just such a crushing disappointment that I don’t feel like going through it publicly again. The other thing I’m doing differently is taking time off. Last time I took 2 days off and that was it. This time I’m taking 3 weeks! It’s weird not working while you are actually feeling fine. Until the egg retrieval, there is no physical reason I shouldn’t work, so it’s just weird. My doctors and medical team were very insistent that I take some time off because of my work related stress and to put all chances on our side.

That being said, I’m not responding as expected once again. On cycle day 6, my E2 level was at 94 when last time it was at 124. It should be at 200 or 300 by then. Today we got a new shocker... I have ZERO eggs maturing and my E2 level has actually gone down. It’s devastating news. Our doctor’s suggestion is to cancel the cycle. I can’t believe this is it... we will never have a biological child. My brain can’t even process it right now.

Someone get me a drink STAT!

It's official - we aren't pregnant. :-(

Time to regroup and figure out our next step. We have a follow-up appointment on May 25 to see what they think went wrong and to figure out if another cycle would be worth doing. I hate having to wait 2 months to find out what went wrong. :-(

We aren't done yet. We WILL have children...  we just have to go through some more hoops to get there. It just feels like way more hoops then anyone should have to go through.

In the meatime, we are proceeding with the adoption process. We were already on the public adoption wiating list for a newborn (a 9 year wait list), but are now completing the paper work for a public adoption of an older child or a sibling group. We've also started to work on international adoption. We might still do a second cycle, but since the first was such a craptastic failure we aren't sure it's worth trying again.

Thanks for all your support. I'm actually doing really well. I've known (in my heart) for over a week that it didn't take. I could just feel it. I haven't even cried today... I'm just so ready to move on.

Trigger Time

We've decided to go ahead with the egg retrieval. Yesterday's E2 level was only 642 so they had me stimmulate my ovaries one more day. This morning my E2 is 907... which is still very much on the low end, but we're moving ahead. We had 4 potential follicles measuring from 17.4 mm to 20.9 mm this morning.

Tonight I take my LAST injection to trigger ovulation and we'll be doing the ER on Friday morning.

I thought I would be over the moon excited when it would come time to trigger but I can't help but feel sad. This cycle just isn't what I expected it to be. It's just such a dissapointement when you look at the statistics of conceiving when you have a dozen eggs to retrieve that when you only have a few, you know the odds are stacked against you. I also feel a little bit like a failure... like I wasn't "able" to produce enough eggs. I know it's not my fault, it's the medication they prescribed me that didn't work as well... but it's hard not to blame yourself.

If I were a vegas card game, people wouldn't be betting on me, that's for sure.

The IVF Rollercoaster Blows!

I'm having a rough morning. We just got back from my ultrasound and bloodwork and it's not looking great.  Of my 3 potential follicles on the right, one is around 19 mm and one is around 17 mm... the other one has stopped growing. Of my 2 potential follicles on the left, one is at 17 mm and the other is on the lower side, but I can't remember the number. I'm so dissapointed. :-(

I'm on cycle day10 (CD10) and in a standard IVF cycle I would be done and ready to trigger ovulation, but I'm nowhere near ready! We're hoping we can continue stimulating (injections) for another day or two, but it'll depend on my E2 and my progesterone levels. They want the numbers to go up, but they don't want me to ovulate on my own. It' all very complicated. Sunday my E2 had progresed nicely to 364 and I was so happy, but now things have stalled. The doctor said we might have to make the decision to cancel the cycle depending on my levels. We can do the egg retrieval (ER) with a potential of 3 eggs, but the odds of having anything to transfer aren't good. The other option she gave us is to trigger ovulation and convert our cycle to an IUI. Our odds of an IUI working are slim to none, but at least we wouldn't waste all the stimmulating I've done in the last month.  It would however, mean we could get about 65% of our investement back and have that money available for another cycle. If money weren't an issue, we would just keep going and get what we would get. Unfortuneately I'm not Celine Dion (and thank God cause she's a bit of a bitch.... did I every tell you she pushed me when I was little... but that's another story), so money is an issue.

I have to go in for a 12 hour shift at 10:30 and we have this big decision looming over our heads. The IVF rollercoaster sucks. :-(

Preliminary testing = done

This morning marked the completion of the preliminary test before in vitro. It’s called a mock transfer and involved stirrups and probes... fun times. Anyway, now that the preliminary tests are completed, we start the official process in a few weeks... actually about the same time I start my new job. Mind you, it takes almost 2 months before we get to the stage of the actual embryo transfer so we’re still a ways away. This morning I was exciting that things would finally start moving along very soon. Tonight, panic has since settled in. What if this doesn’t work? 60% chance of failure is a big number. I was lying in bed until a few minutes ago but I had to get up cause my mind was racing. I keep going over the steps involved in the process in my mind and keep coming to the end of the process and panicking that it might not work. If it doesn’t take... I’m not sure I can deal. We’ll be taped out financially, not to mention emotionally. I know I should stay positive, but all I keep imagining is the worse. I wish I could just turn off my brain. :-(

Oncology it is.

I thought I would update for those of you who were wondering.... I've decided to take the job in oncology (cancer patients). I can't say I'm thrilled, but it is what it is. I keep trying to see it as an opportunity for growth, but all I can see is additional stress at a time when I just can't handle anymore. 


I start February 1.

Why am I cleaning out my purse?

I’m pretty sure I was studying, but now I just finished cleaning my purse... how the heck did that happen? Let’s see...

Step 1: Studying
Step 2: Reviewing info on liver function and liver diseases
Step 3: Reading that there are 5 different types of Hepatitis (Hepatitises?). I had forgotten there were so many varieties
Step 4: Wondering which Hepatitis immunization I have
Step 5: Checking my immunization record which is in my wallet
Step 6: Realising my wallet is a mess
Step 7: Going through the papers and reorganising my various cards
Step 8: Incessant need to blog about it

Seriously Changa; FOCUS!



At least I got in a good two hours this morning before the cleaning incident. It’s time for my lunch break anyway.

Stress is exhausting

This is the conclusion I’ve come to this morning. I’m exhausted... and I think it’s because I’m stressed. Yesterday I spent a better part of the day studying and last night I think I could have gone to bed at 7:00 pm. It’s not the studying that’s so awful, it’s the pressure of passing this damn CRNE (Canadian Registered Nurse Exam). It’s just an exam… upon which my salary, my time, my future and quite possibly my sanity depend on. Sure, if I don’t pass I always have two more chances to take the exam… only the next round is the first week of June... a few days after I’m getting married! Ugh. I don’t think I can take another 4 months of studying! :-( Also, when I get stressed about an exam, I tend to avoid the books. I realize this is the ridiculous strategy in the world, but the more stressed I get, the less I want to study. The less I want to study, the more stressed I get. It’s one big vicious circle.

Add to the exam, the stress of organizing a wedding. Actually, the organizing part isn’t as stressful as the nagging mother. I’m trying not to think of the things that need to be done, but my mother sure is! Friday she insisted we go see bridesmaid dresses after I told her repeatedly that my bridesmaids won’t be wearing typical bridesmaid dresses, but I finally gave up. Sure, there were some nice dresses, but not what I was looking for… and certainly not the budget I had intended. When she asked the salesman how long it took to order a dress, he said 4 to 5 months (the wedding is in 4 months). My mom laughed and sighed heavily. I know that nervous laugh of hers… it’s intended to say: my poor disorganized daughter has left everything to the last minute. I shot her a look that could have set fire to her eyeballs and I’m pretty sure she felt the burn. It wasn’t my intention to do so, but I do not need the pressure she is putting on me. I don’t think she has any idea how big this exam is! You would think she could shut up about the wedding for another 10 days, right?

I just hope the stress diminishes after this exam… but I get the feeling it isn’t. They say your first year of nursing is one of the most stressful experiences someone can have. Great. At least I’ll be getting paid, right? Sure! But I don’t get a full paycheck until March… and I have to start dishing out scary amounts of money to pay back student loans… and then there’s this wedding thing we have to pay for and I think I’m hyperventilating again! Ugh

I thought writing out my stresses in my blog would be cathartic, but it’s stressing me out even more just thinking about it all. I need to go study now… or cry… I’m still not sure which to do first.

It’s Crunch Time!

This week it was back to school and I realised just how accelerated the accelerated program really is! Essentially, I have 60 days to finish up the bulk of my semester. WOW! That means 6 weeks of concentrated classroom time (one week for mid-session break), 4 exams and 4 major research projects in the next 60 days! Once those 60 days are done, all I have left is my perceptorhip which is 12 shifts, one-on-one with a nurse. The wonderful thing about the perceptorship is no homework, no exam, no projects! It’s just 12 shifts of normal work and I’m done!

This semester is going to be a whirlwind!

Pity Post.

Back in October I got a call from Public Health offering me a job at immunization clinics. As a bonus, they said they would be paying me the salary of a REAL nurse. I was ecstatic! I could make more money there in 6 weeks than I could make working at Cora’s for 4 months! So what did I do? I accepted the job and immediately quit Cora’s. A few days after I quit, I find out I won’t be getting paid the same as a nurse, but the salary is comparable to Cora’s so I don’t care. Well, fast forward a few weeks and the vaccination debacle began. They cancel my first shift because they don’t have enough vaccines. I haven’t received any shifts since... and don’t have any money coming in. In the meantime, I applied for EI. Normally, students don’t qualify for EI, but the provincial government was offering some sort of partnership that let us apply. I figured, if I could get EI I wouldn’t have to work for my last year. Taking 7 classes per semester AND working every weekend is just exhausting! The thought of having my weekends to study sounded completely dreamy. Well, I just got a message from EI saying I don’t qualify because I don’t have enough hours. FUCK! I’m so upset right now! I don’t want to go back to Cora’s. The idea of having to work every weekend is making me nauseous.

I know I have to start looking for a job stat before the money runs out, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I know I could go back to Cora’s in an instant, but that would be my very last resort. Can you please send me happy job vibes so I can find a job with a decent salary where I could work one day a week that doesn't make me want to slit my wrists?

Thank God for ID tags!

I have three big exams early next week so I’ve been studying non-stop. Pacha tends to sit on the couch with me when I study. In the evening we go for a walk, but during the day I’ll just let her out a few times to go play outside a while. I have a fenced-in yard so I don’t tie her. When she gets bored, cold, tired, etc. she barks and I let her in. She gets cold pretty quickly so if I don’t hear her barking within a 15 minutes I go check on her. Sometimes she’s just sitting on the patio watching over the neighbourhood, other times she’s walking around with her bone looking for a new hiding place or at the fence staring down Blackout the evil neighbourhood cat.

Today I was absorbed in my studies so I don’t know if she had been out there more than 15 minutes but when I went to check she was nowhere to be found. It’s happened before, but she is usually just in an area I can’t quite see or she somehow got through the fence and is sitting on the other side trying to figure out how to get back in. I thought I had blocked all the holes in the fence, but I guess not!

I ran around the house desperately looking for her. She was nowhere! I ran inside, grabbed my phone and some shoes and started to walk down the street. My heart was racing a mile a minute and I thought I was going to cry. Why hadn’t I checked sooner?! I was 4 houses from my house and was about to call someone; anyone, to come help me look for her when my phone rang. It was my vet! Pacha has a rabies ID tag with my vet’s phone number and her ID number. The vet was calling to let me know someone had found her.

Turns out she was at the house right behind mind. She had somehow gotten through the fence to the other side and was pacing back and forth trying to get back in when the neighbour saw her and picked her up. She had her wrapped up in a blanket because she was shivering (probably more from stress, than anything).

I was so happy to hear she hadn’t actually run away! My stomach is still doing flip-flops over the situation! I consider myself a really calm person, but I sure wasn’t calm when I thought I had lost her. Gah! I can’t imagine how emotional and crazed I’ll be when I have kids!

Now I need a new tag that says: Hi, my name is Pacha please call my Mommy before she has a heart attack at 123-4567.

Stressed Much?

I woke up this morning at 6 am. All week I’ve been so exhausted and looking forward to the weekend so I could sleep in. I laid there for a bit complaining to myself that I should be sleeping. I finally got fed up and went downstairs for breakfast. When I got to the kitchen I saw a frying pan in the sink. It had been there for two days. Over the course of the last few weeks I have frequently washed dishes that were left in the sink because I couldn’t stand seeing them there anymore. The frying pan was staring at me… taunting me. I was so tempted to pick up and chuck it out the window! Ugh.

A little later, one of my roommates came in the kitchen and left a bowl on the counter instead of putting it in the dishwasher. I swear, the bowl was there a total of 30 seconds and I thought I was going to loose it. I got up and slammed the dirty dish in the dishwasher. Honestly, it’s quite possible she set it down for a minute and was coming back, but I didn’t even give her a chance.

While making lunch I realized another of my roommates had left a pair of shoes in the doorway instead of placing them on the shelves in the porch. I picked up the shoes and seriously contemplated throwing them outside. Instead I put them away.

A few minutes ago, I was fed up by yet another mullet bearing guy sending me a message on lavalife that I started rewriting my profile to essentially say: looser need not apply. That’s when it hit me – maybe I’m feeling the stress of the week? I mean, things did end up pretty well, but it has been quite the week! No one can be this upset over a frying pan?

I think I need to go for a run tonight!

What to do next...

What has transpired in last 48 hours has been a bit of a whirlwind. But isn’t that how my life always is; much drama, contemplation and finally a solution?

The following is version of my thought process over the last few days. Much of my decision making was helped by discussing the matter (virtually) with some great friends.

It goes a little like this:

June 5 - 10 am
I’m making a sort of cyber pros and cons list in the hopes that it will bring me clarity. I realise most people won’t read my entire ramblings, but it’s a way to help me see things clearly and if by some chance someone gets to the end of my message and has some suggestions, then all the better.

Someone asked me if I was as passionate about nursing as I was about radiology. I’m not sure I can answer that question. Radiology came about while evaluating what I liked/wanted and finding the best fit. In all honesty, the thought of becoming a nurse didn’t even cross my mind. I realise how silly that is now; but I guess I wasn’t sure if the level of stress was too much for me. I’ve had a burnout before, but I don’t know if my burnout was caused by the stress of the job or if the stress was actually a result of my hatred for the work I was doing.

So what am I passionate about?
- health care
- anatomy and physiology, the human condition, the body as a whole
- helping people
- having a job to which I feel connected
- feeling like my work means I’m making a contribution to society
- having a career that offers me lots of opportunities while remaining within the same organisation. I tend to get bored every couple of years and need a change/new challenge
- knowing exactly what my role is – that doesn’t mean I don’t like the unknown or spontaneity. It means I like knowing my role within the unknown. Science is generally very structured and covered in rules and facts. I function well in a world filled with rules.
- Above all, a career that makes me want to get up in the morning

What am I not passionate about?
- math and physics
- doing a job that is completely subjective (like, say, an artist)
- never seeing any results in my work

Before going the radiology route I looked at many options such as Nutrition, Respiratory Therapy and Physiotherapy. I wanted to study in health care all while staying in Moncton . Like I said earlier, the thought of studying nursing never even occurred to me. However, I started thinking of this option in January/February of this year. I was desperately struggling with math and physics and kept trying to tell myself that it was only one year. At one point I met a girl who was pre-med (same classes as I had) for a year and a half and had recently changed into nursing. We discussed the completely different approaches to health care offered in both fields. I found it fascinating how different the classes were and how more patient centered they were. I let that stew in the back of my brain for a few months.

Eventually, I checked out the class requirements and was surprised by how much more interesting they were! At that point I thought it might be an option if I didn’t get into radiology.

Fast forward to about a month ago... I was feeling completely discouraged by my chances of getting into the program. My GPA was less than stellar and as much as I knew I was a great candidate, I just didn’t think it was enough. Of course, as my previous post states, it wasn’t. Even before I got the news I started researching my options. I sent emails to every nurse I could think of, I talked to people at the hospital and started reading everything I could find at the Health Science Library at work.

When I got the official letter I took a long hard look at my options:

Option 1 – School part-time and work full-time
- This would require getting a part-time job at the hospital comes September. Given that I’m already a casual employee here, I figure my chances are pretty good as I get dibbs on any new posting.
- Take two classes per semester (Fall, Winter and Spring) to redo Physics I and II, Chemistry II, English and 1 elective which I’d need for my 4th year. I might potentially need to do Math II as well, but that depends on how I do this summer.
- I could do French again but it’s really a hit and miss. They are all writing classes and one grammatical error costs you 6 to 8 points each. If you have even 1 bad essay your grade plummets.

Option 2 – School full-time and work part-time
- Keep working at Cora’s and essentially redo my first year in the hopes of getting my GPA closer to 3.5. If I do option 1 and bring my Ds and Cs to Bs it would still only bring my GPA to a 3-ish.
- I’m still unsure what to do about those stupid French classes
- Why is this even an option? What if 3.0 still isn’t high enough? Then what?

Option 3 – Nursing full-time and work part-time- This option would resemble option 2, but in a different field. I have 11 of the 14 requirements for my first year. In a perfect world I would like to complete it in 3 years but I have no idea if this is even possible. I fairly certain my emotions, pocket-book and sanity cannot handle another 4 years of school.

Why nursing?
I guess I never realised just how vast the field could be. Nurses are going to hate me for this, but I always thought of nurses as the ones who hold the surgical tools for the surgeon (“Nurse, scalpel please”) and the ones who empty the bedpans. Obviously, I had that all wrong. I’ve recently come to realise that nurses do it all... becoming a nurse could open up a world of opportunity and would also give me more to fall back on. With nursing I can work with patients in dozens of fields, but I can also work in research or education.

Also, my not so great performances in math and physics have been a real eye-opener. Radiology is physics-based... what if I struggle with all my classes? What if it’s not the particular area of health care for me?

Finally, what if there is a reason I didn’t get into the program? My mother always says there is a reason for everything, but I tend to look for the reasoning. What if it’s a sign that I’m heading in the wrong direction?

Why does switching make me hesitate?
Remember when Britney Spears proclaimed to the World she was a virgin and then months later she wasn’t acting very virginally? That’s how I’m feeling. For the last year I’ve been “fighting” to follow my passion… now all of a sudden my passion has changed? I can hear the people crying out: puuuuullllease! Make up your freakin’ mind already.

What if going back to school was a way to avoid reality? What if I actually don’t know what the hell I’m doing… just knew I didn’t want to be in marketing?

What if I make the switch and realise this still isn’t for me?

I’ve always said I have no regrets in life because regretting means I don’t like the path that has led me to where I am. However, what if I don’t have regrets in life because it means admitting failure? Maybe I made the wrong choice and just can’t admit it.

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June 5 – 1 pm
Some of the feedback I received from my initial message:

“Changa this is all very well thought out. You need to drop those thoughts on hesitation though, and go with the gut and heart. Fuck off to everyone that rolls their eyes at you or makes comments. Just because you decided Marketing wasn't "it" for you, doesn't mean that every decision regarding your career and future from that point on is going to be spot on.”

“I am going straight up here because you're the best and you deserve the honesty.

I think your comment about hating physics and radiology being physics-driven would push that option straight out the door for me. Do I think this is a negative? Not one flipping bit. You spent the year figuring out what specific areas of the healthcare field might be the best fit for you. If this one isn't, that's hardly the end of the world. It just positions you to understand your own skill set better.

The nursing one is standing out strongly to me. I agree that the 3.0 GPA will very likely not be enough if they're asking for 3.5, so spending another year re-doing what you've already done is unlikely to give you the opportunity to move forward. Honestly? I'd close that door.

You can do it, D, and don't spend a single second worrying that people will question or judge or whatever - you're doing the right thing and following your instincts, understanding yourself. These are all positives.”

“A very wise person once told me (recently, ha) that if you pursue something and find out it's not your passion, there's no shame in that. The only shame is in not trying to find it at all. Don't worry about what the head-shakers say, the people who really matter will want you to find what makes you happy.”

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June 5 – 5 pm
I just got back from a meeting with the director of the school of nursing and I've been accepted into the second year of the program. Just like that. It would take me three years to complete - which is the same amount of time it would take me to do radiology anyway. I'd have to take a heavier course-load for the fall semester, but come January I would essentially be caught up. If I want to, all I need to do is transfer and I'm done.

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June 5 – 6:30 pm
After a lengthy discussion with my good friend M, I realise I have absolutely nothing to loose by transferring to nursing. If at the end of my first semester I hate it (not that I think I will) then I can still try to upgrade my physics, math and chemistry classes in January in time to re-apply to the radiology program come spring.

At this point I'd be selling myself short if I didn't at least try. So it looks like I'm going to transfer!!

June 6 12:20 pm
Which brings us to today – As of this afternoon I’ll officially be a nursing student! I still have a few kinks to work out and I’m also meeting with a bunch of people to further discuss my options. I want to make sure this is the right decision for me so I’m meeting with a nurse mentor (essentially a career counsellor for nurses) next week and an actual career counsellor at the end of the month.

The more I think of my options, the more excited I get! I could work in the OR (and do more than hold the scalpel for the surgeon); I could work as a Diabetes Educator; I could work in Labour & Delivery; I could work in interventional radiology; I could teach; I could promote health care; I could be an advocate for people living with depression; I could work in paediatrics; I could work in women’s health! I am so psyched!

Side note: I'm reading a book on nursing as a career and apparently the average age of a nursing student in 2004 was 32. Well looky here - I'm exactly 32 right now! :-)

I didn't get in....

I realise most of my readers might know this already, but I thought I'd still post about it.

It's official - I didn't get accepted into the radiology program. :-( They stated it was because of my GPA and encourage me to redo some classes. UGH.

I was preparing myself for this, but there was still a glimmer of hope. Of course, I'm crying even though I told myself I wouldn't. *sigh*

I'm ok. I just wanted to share the news (even bad news) because you all have been so supportive.

I haven't given up... it just means another year of school... another year of roommates... another year of being in the poorhouse. UGH.


I'm debating on a few options:
1 - Try to get in at the hospital part-time for September and take part-time classes as well. I still have an English class I haven't done for my 4th year as well as one elective. I'll also redo physics and maybe a chemistry class.

2 - Go back full-time and redo any class below a B (while working part-time at Cora's)

3 - Quit and go into nursing.

The last one is something I've been mulling over since I started working at the hospital but I feel like I'd be crazy to switch even though it opens a world of opportunity. I think I'm just panicking over not getting in.

The way I see it, the universe wouldn't be so cruel as to not let me in the program AND have me remain single for another year, right? So I guess the universe owes me one!

So… now what?

My final marks have been trickling in and the news isn’t good. My expectations versus reality looked a little like this:

French hoping for a B+ got a C
Physics hoping for a B got a C
Physics lab hoping for a B+ or A got a B

I’m still waiting on others. Last night I checked to see if any new marks were posted and was floored by what I saw… Math: F. Yeah F, for FUUUUUUCK! This is my freaking second attempt at the class. I was actually getting it this time, but the prof’s exams are notoriously difficult. I only needed a 45% on the finale to pass so I never really expected to fail. I emailed the prof and he’ll be in his office this afternoon so I can go check out my final.

I guess this means goodbye to getting into the program. Well, at least for another year anyway. That means an extra year of sorry salaries… an extra year of stressing over money… an extra year of roommates. UGH.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night realizing that it might still be possible to fix this. There’s a spring class for Calculus 1 starting May 5 and then Calculus 2 (which I was planning on taking) starts 2 days after the first one ends. It would mean another 12 weeks of school while working full-time. I’m trying to decide if this is really what I should do. I tired out as it is… will this make it even worse? I would end up with about a month (August) with only having to work full-time. I have one more week off before school/work would start and I’ll also get a week off in July because I’ll be switching departments at the hospital. Is that enough?

It also comes with a huge risk. I won’t know until at least June if I get into the program or not. I’ve heard of exceptions being made in special cases and I might be a special case given that I’m a mature student. It’ll cost me $1,000+ for the 2 classes this summer and if I do them and don’t get in, then what will I do?

This sucks.

Stick a Fork in Me; I’m Done!

To Do List:
1 – Complete all University exams (check)
2 – Yawn from exhaustion after the most stressful exams of your life (check)
4 – Revel in the fact that you’ve completed half your degree (check)
5 – Pray to the Gods that you passed all your classes (double-check)
6 – Find a wonderful summer job at a local hospital starting May 5 (check)
7 – Enjoy 5 complete days of vacation (check)
8 – Work two days and enjoy 5 more days of blissful nothingness (check)
9 – Stare at your computer screen blurry-eyed (check)

Yay Me!

Pass the Ativan*

I’m having an anxiety attack. Ok – it’s not exactly an anxiety attack, but panic is settling in. I’m really going to jump and I don’t have a parachute. I don’t do well with uncertainty. I’m a super planner and although I’ve detailed my jump as accurately as possible, there are still a few unanswered questions.

1. Will I be able to find someone to take over my lease?
2. Will I find two more roommates?
3. And the big one: Will I be able to get a student loan or student line of credit?

The first two I can get around for a few months if the third one comes through. However, without the financing I’m toast. I won’t be able to afford my tuition and I wouldn’t be able to eat. Getting rid of my house doesn’t make things any better – it would actually make my financial situation worse! I wouldn’t be getting rental income and paying an apartment would actually be more than my mortgage!

I don’t like the unknown and right now I won’t have any answers for at least another two weeks. I really hate that things are out of my control. Bah! I’m so OC*!!

I’m not panicking in the sense that I’ll be out on the streets – It’s more that I won’t be able to fulfill my dream of going back to school. I won’t be giving my notice until I’m sure about everything and even if I DID give my notice, it would just mean going to school part-time and working part-time for the first semester. Hmmmm…. I think I might have found a way to get around this should the financing fall through. It wouldn’t be ideal, but I could still get all my courses completed by the end of the second semester and be ready to apply for the Radiology program for September 2008.

I love blogging. It actually helped me think things through and subside the heart palpitations. Who knew blogging could act as a stress reliever. :-)

___________________________________

Just because I know at least one person is not going to get my post:
*Ativan- Drug used to treat severe anxiety
**OC – Obsessive-Compulsive (not Orange County)

Apparently I’m stressed.

I decided to tap into my EAP (Employee Assistance Program) and talk to someone to help me manage all my emotions these days. Mostly, I don’t want to take someone’s head off, which I feel I could do at any time these days.

The session went really well. Most of the discussion centered around the stress I currently have in my life. The counsellor made me do the Holmes-Rahe Stress Rating Questionnaire. According to the scale, if you have a normal amount of stress you should score around 150. If your score is above 200 you should be a little concerned. If your score is above 300 you have an 80% chance of becoming ill in the next year. I scored 397! Today I found a copy of the test online and did it again because I forgot to add a few things and my total is now 459!!! Holy Crap! I really hadn't realised I was under so much stress! I mean, I knew things had been rough in the last year but I didn't realise that things like changes in eating habits, changes in lifestyle (i.e. training for marathon), changes in social situation, moving were also stressors. Add that to stressors like death in the family, illness, buying a house, changing jobs, not enjoying my work and you have a recipe for disaster. I guess it explains why I’ve been feeling so crappy lately!

So now I need to figure out something to do to relieve some stress.



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