Deja Vu

I’ve been writing this post in my head for over a week. Somehow I just couldn’t bring myself to write it... almost like if I don’t say anything it’s not really real. We are currently in the middle of our second and last IVF cycle. As you might remember, we were told our chances of IVF working were greatly diminished because of my low ovarian reserve and the only chance we had was to do their most aggressive protocol. So here we are... cycle day 8 of the new aggressive protocol.

I started injections a week ago with a small dose of Suprefact twice a day (0,04ml). Then on Thursday I started stimulation injections with Menopur (3 bottles), in addition to evening shots of Saizen (human growth hormone). My daily baby-making routine involves taking 13 pills and 5 injections using 11 different bottles!

It feels very different then the last time. It fact, it doesn’t feel like it’s really happening. The first round was all excitement and hope while this one is uneasiness and fear. Knowing this is our last chance to have a biological child is a very daunting. Other than the new protocol, I am doing a few things differently. For one, we aren’t really talking about it as much as last time. Close friends know we are currently doing a cycle, as well as my sister and Mr. Perfect’s family, but I haven’t talked about it at work, or to my mother. The last time was just such a crushing disappointment that I don’t feel like going through it publicly again. The other thing I’m doing differently is taking time off. Last time I took 2 days off and that was it. This time I’m taking 3 weeks! It’s weird not working while you are actually feeling fine. Until the egg retrieval, there is no physical reason I shouldn’t work, so it’s just weird. My doctors and medical team were very insistent that I take some time off because of my work related stress and to put all chances on our side.

That being said, I’m not responding as expected once again. On cycle day 6, my E2 level was at 94 when last time it was at 124. It should be at 200 or 300 by then. Today we got a new shocker... I have ZERO eggs maturing and my E2 level has actually gone down. It’s devastating news. Our doctor’s suggestion is to cancel the cycle. I can’t believe this is it... we will never have a biological child. My brain can’t even process it right now.