Send More Good Drugs

Egg retrieval = done! I'm home from the ER and everything went well. As predicted, we got 4 eggs. I think they retrieved one more egg but it wasn't viable. I was pretty knocked out for the procedure, but was aware of what's going on. A few times it was crazy painful, but not so much I wouldn't do it again. The procedure was at 8 and we got home around noon. So far no nausea or dizziness, just really tired! I do have some abdominal pain which was tolerable until the good drugs wore off. This evening I'm having a lot more trouble moving around and the pain has increased significntly. Ugh. At least it's temporary. We won't know how many fertilised until our fertility report in the monring. I'll be sure to update you when we get our fertility report tomorrow morning.

The reason why I’m not pregnant

Forget the hormonal imbalances, or the timing issues, or any other unknown issues. I think I’ve figured out why I’m not pregnant: I’m just not ready. Most of you would be shocked to hear me say these words cause I’ve been ready for kids most of my life. However, in the last few days I’ve come to the realisation that I might not be in the best place to have a child right now... and maybe the universe realised that. While I was studying, professors all told us that the first year of your career in nursing would be the most difficult and the most stressful. Nevertheless, I always thought I would be above that. However, I recently realised that the stress of the job and shift work might be getting to me. Add to that the difficult adjustment I’ve had with new medication and the subsequent weight gain associated with the new meds and I’ve just not been in the greatest place emotionally in the last few months. I’m constantly exhausted and way too overemotional, as my husband can attest. I’m guessing adding the stress of pregnancy wouldn’t have helped the situation much. So it looks like I need to get healthy. It’s time to stop whining about not being pregnant and start taking care of me... if I could just get off the couch. *sigh*

Updates All Around

There are lots of updates these days do I figured the best way to tackle them was with a Méli-Mélo post.

Changa and the RN Exam
I wrote my exam on Wednesday. It was brutal and exhausting, but at least it’s done for now. Now I have 6 weeks to wait and wonder. Actually, I’m not stressing about it at all. There is nothing I can do for 6 weeks so I might as well not stress about it until I get the results. If I fail, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. Besides, I’m fairly certain I scored somewhere between a 40% and an 85%. :-P

Changa and the meds
If you’ve been a regular reader, you’ll know I was diagnosed with depression (dysthemia) 15 years ago. I’ve been on my current meds for 7 years. Wow! That’s a long time. Anyway, my doctor has decided to switch my medication since there is no evidence that the ones I currently take wouldn’t have an effect on a baby should I become pregnant in the future. *Sigh* It is quite scary to think I’m going to be switching my medication at a time when I’m experiencing a high level of stress. It’ll take months to complete the switch since I have to taper two different meds, one at a time and then slowly integrate the new med. I could put off the switch until my job is more stable, but why delay the inevitable. I’m also going to do acupuncture in the hopes that it will balance out the bad effects of the transfer. Wish me luck cause I know I’ll need it!

Changa and the new job
I’ve completed my two weeks of orientation and Monday I start working on the unit. It’s scary and exciting! I still can’t believe it’s actually here. I think it’s going to take some time getting used to the idea that I’m a nurse. Wow.

Changa and the Wedding
We’ve decided to forgo the beautiful backyard reception I had dreamt about for a more practical option. I was quite disappointed in the beginning, but I’m starting to warm up to the idea and the wheel of creativity is churning! The backyard reception would have been wonderful, but the logistics of organising said reception plus a backup reception was getting to be too much. I would be essentially planning too receptions with the guarantee that one of them would not happen. We had tough of renting a tent, but if it rains the entire month of May, no tent will help with the marshland that our backyard will become! So, I think we’ve settled on the local press club. It doesn’t have the wedding-y feel I was hoping to avoid and is different enough from your typical hall or hotel ballroom to make me happy. It also means trimming the guest list will not be as stressful. We’re also meeting our potential officiant next week and we have a general direction for the bridesmaid dresses. Yay!

I think that’s it for now. :-)

Taking off the glasses

Living with Dysthemia is never easy, but it’s particularly challenging when the illness is affecting you and you don’t even realise it. Sometimes it feels like you are wearing a really bad pair of glasses that amplify your faults, diminish your strengths and makes you see things in other people that just aren’t there. Take yesterday for example. I was just finishing up the first week of my new clinical practicum. New clinicals are always challenging because everything is, well, new: new department, new teacher, new students, and new ways of doing things. This one was particularly challenging since it had been 6 months since the last clinical (talk about feeling rusty), it was at a different hospital AND in a different language (English vs French). Add to all that the exhaustion of long shifts, late nights of research to prep for the following day and sleepless nights filled with anxiety.

By the end of my shift yesterday I was in tears. I felt like I was doing everything wrong and couldn’t seem to get the hang of even the most basic things like bathing my patient. Warning TMI (too much information) ahead... when you have to change your semi-comatose patient’s sheet because you’ve managed to spread bodily fluids everywhere, you know your technique is definitely lacking. :-( I felt completely incompetent and awkward, I felt like all the other students were breezing through everything and were way more experienced than me. I was really regretting taking a desk job over the summer instead of one as an orderly. When my teacher talked about issues during the day at the end of the shift, I was certain they were all about me.

Even with Mr. Perfect I thought I was doing things wrong. After work I drove to Truro to drop off my car (which has been sold by the way – yay). I felt like Mr. Perfect was frustrated to have to give me a drive back home, even though he was in Nova Scotia already for work. I was sure he was upset with me because I had sold my car and would now be “burdening” him with my lack of transportation. I managed to convince myself that he was keeping some kind of frustration from me, which resulted in me asking (over and over again), “is anything wrong?”

I ended up sleeping in the spare bedroom just so I could cry myself to sleep. I didn’t want to Mr. Perfect to know I couldn't keep it together. This morning wasn’t much better. Even though I had been working on my weekly report every night this week, I still had hours of work to do before my noon deadline. My head ached and I was completely overwhelmed by the 30 pages or so of work that needed to be completed.

I only realised I had been “wearing my Dysthemia glasses” for the last two days when Mr. Perfect asked me if I had taken my medication. I had, but the question seemed to send an alarm bell in the back of my mind. I suddenly realised I wasn’t an incompetent nurse or a horrible girlfriend... I was in a fog of Dysthemia. It’s incredible how it can distort your perceptions and make you imagine the most ridiculous things. I’ve since been able to “remove my glasses”, but I need to remind myself of my illness whenever my exhaustion or stress makes me doubt myself. It’s odd to think than anyone would need to be reminded of an illness. We’ve also planned to go for a run this afternoon, which I know will help greatly.

Waiting most of my life to say this…

I’m about to say something I’ve been hoping to say for the last 25 years: I am no longer allergic to raspberries! I realise this might seem like trivial news to most of you, but the memory of just how sick raspberries made me when I was little, still makes me shiver.

Most people who know me IRL, have likely heard me ask: what’s this red stuff in this desert? What’s this made of? I hadn’t had a raspberry since I was 7 or 8 years old. My mother discovered I was allergic to raspberries when I spent a summer eating raspberries out of my great-uncle’s garden and subsequently spending the rest of the day with a horrible migraine and vomiting. I was so scarred of raspberries when I was little that I didn’t even eat a raspberry flavoured gummy until I was an adult!

I had always wanted to see if I had outgrown the allergy, but there just never seemed to be a right time to block off the day for a potential migraine. Then, a few months ago, I accidentally received a raspberry crepe instead of the strawberry crepe I had ordered. I realised the error the instant I took a bite, but it was too late. Obviously I didn’t eat the rest of the crepe, but it was too late for the single bite. I waited for the killer migraine to hit, but it never came. In the last month I started experimenting: raspberry yogourt… nothing, cottage cheese with field berries… nothing, frozen raspberries in a smoothie… still nothing!

This news brings a world of opportunities: new desserts, variety packs of yogourt that include raspberries, blackberries or field berries and of course, fresh raspberries. Yay!


...

The drugs are good

I haven’t been feeling very well for the last few months. I’ve had almost constant heart burn and regular nausea. I saw my doctor last week who prescribed a medication to help with the heart burn. The drug is like a miracle worker! No nausea. No heart burn. It’s awesome! But now, I’m faced with a new problem... I can eat anything. Uh Oh. This is so not good! Must. Eat. Healthy.


...

Did you fall on your head or something?

Why, yes I did!

Friday night I went out to celebrate the end of the school year. I can honestly say that if I did anything stupid, it’s because I fell on my head. I had a bit of a gathering at my place, which was loads of fun. Late in the evening we decided to go to a bar. In a rush I left my house and forgot my keys on the end table. So, around 3 am, in an attempt to get in my house through the back door, I fell down the patio steps and landed on my forehead. Wanna see some pics?


I also banged up my leg pretty bad!


Like my friend Kevin told me: Dude, you need supervision when you drink.

Four Days Off and I Can’t Move

The weekend started out great! Friday night I had my family over for a little campfire in my backyard fire pit. My nephews and niece had a blast and so did the adults.

Saturday I decided I would bring Pacha to the park. I had everything ready to go, but as I picked up Pacha my back gave out. I don’t know what I did, but I figured it would pass. Off to the park we went… with me swearing all the way. My back wasn’t getting any better; it was getting worse. When I got to the park there was an event going on and the closest place I could park would have been almost a km away. It just wasn’t going to happen. Since my Mom lives close by I decided I would head to her place to see if she has any pain killers. There was so much traffic it took me 30 minutes to get there (normally it would be 5 minutes). By the time I got there I had trouble getting out of the car.



I ended up going to the clinic and the doctor prescribed me some anti-inflammatory/pain killers. Ugh. Today I can more at least, but I won’t be doing all the yard work I had planned on doing.

I Saw the Witchdoctor...

... and he told me what to do.

At my Mother’s insistence I went to see a pharmacist who specializes in homeopathic medicine. He is well known locally and she was hoping he could help me sleep better and give me something to energize me. He ended up telling I was very healthy and has excellent coping skills. He still recommended some stuff so I am now taking the following pill poppers:
- Vitamin D for preventative measures
- Vitamin B Complex for energy
- Iodine to reduce eye puffiness (I didn’t even know I had eye puffiness)
- Cordyceps Sinensis for more energy
- Magnesium Glynicate to help me sleep

I’ve seen many para-medical professionals who claim they have the cure for my energy woes, but none have yet to prove it. We’ll see how this one fairs.

My meeting was actually more productive than just the vitamin burst. When he asked me what I was studying, I told him about the nursing versus radiology situation. Turns out his first specialization was in nuclear medicine. That’s when he added; you must love math and physics, huh? I laughed and explained that the math and the physics was actually the issue with radiology. He said math and physics were a big part of the field and therefore reconfirmed my decision that nursing is the right direction for me.

In other “medical” news, Pacha went to see the vet last night and received a clean bill of health! She also got her vaccines, flea/heartworm medicine and her dog license. Now she’s all set for a while. She was a brave little girl and took the shots like a trooper.

My Chemical Imbalance

This might seem like a strange post, but I realised this week that I’ve never directly talked about my chronic depression and have only alluded to it. So why post now? Well, my hope is always that someone out there will read this, see themselves in my words and feel better about themselves because they are not alone. If I can help even one person get over the social stigma attached to depression then this post will have been worth it.

So here’s my story:
I was diagnosed with chronic depression 12 years ago (age 20) but most likely have had it my entire life. Even as a child my Mom said I had a lot less energy and was a lot more anxious than all the other kids.

I also prefer to use the term dysthymia rather than depression, mostly because it doesn’t have the same negative connotation as depression. Dysthymia is a form of depression and one doctor did describe my condition that way.

Here is a definition:

Quote:
Dysthymic disorder is a depressive mood disorder characterized by a chronic course and a subtle onset. Many people with dysthymia report that they have been depressed all of their lives and have an outlook coloured by chronic depression.

By definition, dysthymia is a chronic mood disorder, with a duration of at least 2 years in adults and 1 year in adolescents and children. Although dysthymia is often considered less severe than a major depression, the consequences of dysthymia without major depression are grave and include severely impaired functioning and increased morbidity from physical disease.

I describe it this way; depression is often associated with low serotonin levels in the brain. Serotonin is often referred to as our body’s natural mood-altering drug. Serotonin levels also affect many other things such as energy level, concentration, thought process, motivation, etc. So let’s say serotonin levels can be measured on a scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest serotonin ever (like a really, really great day) and 1 being the lowest serotonin level ever. The average person’s daily level might be a 7 or 8 with an occasional 9 for a really great day and maybe a few 10s in your lifetime (like say the birth of a child). On the other hand, a normal person can still have bad days like a 5 or 6 and maybe a 4 when a family member passes away.

Someone with dysthymia naturally has a lower level of serotonin so an average day would be a 5 or 6 good day a 7 or 8 (normal for everyone else) and a bad day a 3 or 4 you can see where a traumatic event could easily put them off the edge which would be called a double-depression. I take anti-depressants to bring me up to normal levels so I still experience the highs and lows, but I get a little higher than I used to and don’t go so low. Explained this way, people can better understand that it is a physical disease.

Double-depression - something you don't want to witness
Sometimes dysthymia can lead to a double-depression which can be quite debilitating… in other words, even getting out of bed is difficult. I’ve had two double-depressive episodes; one when I was first diagnosed and one in 98/99, but am happy to say I haven’t had any since then… well, none that required me to leave my job anyway. I’ve become very aware of my condition and if I feel I am “sliding” I take all the necessary precautions to avoid a major episode like eating healthy, exercise and getting enough rest. I’m pretty proud of the fact that I’ve have maintained an episode free existence since then especially through some pretty stressful times (my brother’s death, the end of a significant relationship, changing careers and moving several times).

How does it affect my life?
Well, for one thing, I get tired easily and when I do I have trouble concentrating and get overwhelmed at minor things. Like right now I’m feeling the stress of school and am always having mini freak-out sessions because my roommates don’t put things back in their place (this would be me getting overwhelmed). Sometimes I just have “bad days” that I can’t explain. I’ll feel down or tired without really any reason. It happens once in a while and usually passes. I also take anti-depressants every day and will likely always take them. I want to point out that I believe I'm one of those "rarer" cases where anti-depressants will likely be needed for the rest of my life. I've been on a variety of anti-depressants for 12 years (starting and stopping repeatedly) and then consistently for 7 years. I think anti-depressants are really important to get you out of the fog so you can concentrate on getting better, but it's not the answer for everyone. I do think doctors tend to over-prescribe without offering additional help that I believe is necessary.

My thoughts on anti-depressants:
The thing about anti-depressants is that it does more than make you happy. In fact, I’m not even sure anti-depressants alone can make someone happy. Depression comes with a whole bunch of other symptoms other than the blues: tiredness, lack of motivation, inability to concentrate, you feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible, difficulty to think clearly, difficulty sleeping. What I find anti-depressants really help with is to clear away the "fog". It helps me concentrate, think clearly, sleep better so I can work on becoming happier. When I’m in the “fog” it’s like I can’t think clearly. Minor things seem huge and insurmountable.

Taking anti-depressants is very much trial and error. If the first ones don’t work, try another one. I’ve been on anti-depressants for 12 years now. In the first three years I tried several types. Some were for just a few months, some were for a year or two. I eventually found the one that was right for me. I’m on a two anti-depressant combo. One of them I’ve been on for 7 years and the second one was added 4 years a go. Even though it now works for me, I know it might not be the thing that will work for me forever and that’s why I try to be very proactive with my depression.

It’s a disease like any other – why can’t people see it this way?
No one wants to be labeled depressed. But the truth is, it’s a disease, just like diabetes or epilepsy. There is no reason to be embarrassed by it. In fact, dysthemia is very much like diabetes in the sense that it is a chemical imbalance. In Type 2 diabetes the pancreas doesn’t produce enough insulin… with dysthymia, the brain doesn’t produce enough seretonin. See what I’m getting at? Both are chemical imbalances.

I also like to point out that, much like diabetes, dysthymia is a combination of medication and lifestyle changes. Diabetics have to change their eating habits and exercise they also have to take insulin. They could likely "live" without paying attention to their diet and exercise but they are damaging their body and putting themselves at risk. It’s the same with depression. I could just take the meds and not see a therapist to deal with any challenges in my life and stay "alive" but I’m putting myself at risk.

Random thoughts on the disease
I’ve always felt "off" (for lack of a better term). I don’t think I ever really felt "normal". I can’t say the anti-depressants made everything perfect but it help me see things clearer and the diagnosis of dysthymia/depression gave the feeling a name. Knowing what it is and knowing, if I work at it, I can control it, made a huge difference. I had hoped and dreamed of a dramatic change when I went on anti-depressants. I thought my world would be suddenly rosy and perfect. That feeling never happened. There was no grandiose moment of truth... it was kinda slow coming. I think after 6 to 8 weeks I just noticed one day I wasn't crying 4 times a day anymore. I wasn't having anxiety attacks, I was able to go out a bit. I still had work to do, but the anti-depressants made challenges easier to take on.

Other things that help:
Since my brain doesn’t make enough serotonin and/or it doesn’t know how to use it properly, I need to get as much sunlight as possible. Sunlight produces serotonin in the brain. Since I live in freezing, gloomy New Brunswick I need to use a sun lamp daily. It REALLY helps with my energy level!

I am very open about this condition and am not afraid to discuss it with anyone. I like to think I’ve also helped people with depression by talking about my experience with it. However, for the most part, I’ve avoided having this discussion with employers for fear that I would be treated differently. This will make sense to many of my good friends and former co-workers to whom I never discussed this matter. I also never know when it is the right time to discuss this subject with a new guy in my life. The word depression or mental illness still has a major stigma and not everyone understands it. It doesn’t mean I’m crazy or loony, although I often use these terms to make light of the situation. Like I said before, it’s just a chemical imbalance, nothing more.

Dealing with depression/dysthymia on a daily basis
I guess I just deal with it day by day... it's really all I can do. I recognise that I have bad days and good days. When the bad days come, I try not to be too hard on myself and remind myself that it is a disease; I'm not going to be perfect all the time. Exercise and a healthy diet are so important to my mental well-being so I consider this a huge coping mechanism. I also realise that this is the hardest part of my "therapy". Right now I'm not exercising and my diet is all over the map... I can really feel it in my energy level, my concentration and the frequency of my bad days. It's a bit of a vicious circle... you feel down and don't want to exercise... but then you feel down because you haven't exercised! I still haven't figured out how to keep the exercise momentum going.

I know my post is supper long, but I figured I would just put it all in one place! Besides, I really need a reference I can easily copy and paste to email to a prospective boyfriend. :-P

The Tale of ADD and OCD

OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (moi)
ADD: Attention Deficit Disorder (roommate)

I’ve come to the conclusion that someone with OCD does not mesh well with someone who has ADD. Ok, so I might not exactly have OCD, but I like things to be a certain way. I like the dirty dishes IN the dishwasher. I like the wet dish clothe not to be tossed in a bundle on the counter (it should be hung so it doesn’t get stinky). I like to have all my outside doors closed (hello? Paying for heat here). I don’t like to see dirty dishes left on the side table in the living room. I don’t like to see hand soap accumulate in globs on the bathroom counter. Each time I see things out of place I get a little annoyed and slightly overcome with the need to scrub. Ugh.

My roommate has ADD and even says so herself. So every time I come home I find something that is not “in its place” due to her absent-mindedness, I have a little panic attack. I realize I need to let go and she needs to focus… but, man, is it ever a bad combo! Remind me never ever to date someone with ADD.

Finally! My new glasses

As previously posted in rose-coloured glasses, I was tested for Irlen syndrome in October. Well, I got my lenses yesterday, picked out my frames today and already have them! Wheeee! I can’t wait to see if it affects my studying at all. Here’s a picture. Just remember, I don’t wear these to be fashionable, but rather to be help with my perception issues... so be kind! :-P



I actually don't think they are that bad! I think my fake smile is worse than the glasses! Hah!

Seeing the world through rose coloured glasses

My sister Suzanne literally sees the world thru rose coloured glasses. She has Irlen Syndrome (also known as Scotopic Sensitivity Syndrome), which requires her to wear actual rose coloured glasses. This is a very recent discovery. Earlier this year her son Isaac was diagnosed with severe Irlen Syndrome. The diagnosis came about thru my sister’s persistent insistence that his reading difficulties were due to perception issues and not his intelligence. You see, Isaac has always had trouble reading. He would also get frequent headaches whenever he had to read for any extended period of time. My sister’s colleague (my sister is a teacher) happened to be researching this particular syndrome, which seemed to fit with Isaac’s symptoms. He was tested and sure enough he had the Irlen Syndrome. He now wears dark red/orange shades which has made a huge impact on his school work and comprehension. At one point, while he was doing the testing, the tester showed a page with text he couldn’t read. When the tester added a coloured filter to the sheet he looked up and said, “That’s not the same text you had earlier! I can read THIS!” Apparently he was seeing something along the lines of this:


Since the Syndrome is genetic my other nephew also got tested and now wears light blue shades. As mentioned before, my sister has pink shades… which I might add are actually quite fashionable!

Last week I came home shattered because I had failed yet another exam! This time it was physics. The thing that made it more difficult to deal with was the fact that I thought I had done fairly well. Turns out many of my calculations were off. Looking at my sheet I noticed equations that weren’t properly transcribed, symbols that were the wrong direction, etc. It was so frustrating because I actually understood the concepts but because of my so-called inattention errors I hadn’t passed. I’ve heard this all my life; “You need to concentrate more… you’re making so many inattention errors”. I’ve always performed very well in school because I had the capacity to learn what I needed to learn but just listening in class. However, when it came to math or French I would always have these “inattention errors” in my work. When I told this to my sister she quickly replied you have the syndrome too! Suzanne can be very high-strung and when she believes in something she will talk about it excessively and enthusiastically. I think I kinda rolled my eyes and thought whatever you say Sue. She insisted I get tested and said she would pay for the whole thing (it’s fairly expensive). So I finally succumbed and let her arrange for me to get tested.

Today was the final part of my testing and all I can say is WOW! I hadn’t realized just how many symptoms I actually had (headache when reading, “accident-prone”, trouble with hand-eye coordination, tiredness from reading). I also hadn’t realized that I don’t see like everyone else. I had always assumed everyone saw the same way I did! The only way I can describe it is that pages seem to have a glare in them and each letter seems to have a tiny glow around them. Once the tester found the correct lens combination I didn’t see that glow anymore!

I also hadn’t realized that my clumsiness was actually due to my depth perception. I bump into things all the time and have the many bruises to prove it. At one point the tester had me walk around the room without the glasses. I bumped into the chair, bumped into the couch and got my arm caught on a purse hanging from another chair. I actually didn’t realize I did all this because it’s completely normal for me. I then did the same circuit with the lens and didn’t touch a thing. When I did the circuit a third time without the lens and bumped into everything I couldn’t help but laugh hysterically because I was actually noticing all the bumping around but just couldn’t control it.

Another thing this made me realize is that my fear of balls (no jokes please), like soccer balls, baseballs, and tennis balls isn’t so irrational after all. I always thought I was just weird, but it turns out that my perception without the lens and with the lens is completely different! She did a test where she moved a pen with a wide silver clip on it right to left, but at the same distance from me and asked me to concentrate on the sliver clip. The pen looked completely normal. Then she moved the pen towards me and I couldn’t help but back away because the pen was getting bigger and bigger and it felt like it was going to attack me. The same test with the lens did not give me the same feeling at all! Now I understand why I freak out when someone throws something at me!

The entire experience was quite fascinating. Soon, I too will be seeing life thru rose coloured glasses. Actually, it will be more of rose/amber coloured glasses. I’m so excited about this and completely sold! I just hope it helps me with my finals.

Think positive thoughts – have a positive day

I’m not having such a great day. I’ve been up since 6:30 am with pain and numbness in my right hand… it’s the carpel tunnel. Just when the acupuncture was starting to work, the scraping, painting and lifting made things worse. Ugh. I sanded the wallpaper from hell room this morning and added more polyfill to cover the holes. I was so painful! I was trying to put the putty on with my left hand and could barely hold the can with my right. Ugh. Right now I’m slowly typing with my left hand.

My poor, poor wrist. :-(



I’m on break for the rest of the day – I just really need to rest my wrists. Here is a picture of my spackle-happy room (formerly known as the wallpaper from hell room).




I think I had a few holes. Hopefully tonight my wrists will be rested enough to at least prime the room.


I’m waiting for the furniture guy to come cut my box spring so I can get it up the stairs. I hope this works! I’m dreading helping him push the stupid thing up the stairs. I fear pain in my future.

As for the student line of credit, I’ve called Scotia Bank and apparently you can’t actually meet with someone at a bank. I swear; banks are the stupidest institutions in the freakin’ world! I have another 1-800 number to call to see if I qualify for a student LOC. I’m waiting until the furniture guy has come to do his thing before I call. Once I’ve called the 1-800, I have to do the application online. Why can’t I just meet with a human being? GRRRR. Speaking of stupid banks, I’m still dirt poor. I don’t think I mentioned BMOs major screw-up last week – apparently they screwed up when transferring my RRSPs to my chequing account. The bank director advanced me the money last Wednesday so I could pay my lawyer and get my house, but now my account has been in overdraft since then. The problem is, I don’t actually have an overdraft so it’s like I have zero funds in my account. The RRSPs still haven’t been transferred as of today. I just left a nasty message with the bank manager. I mean seriously – this is getting ridiculous!

I’ve had requests for more house pictures. I’m posting a few, although the place is still quite the disaster zone. I’ve got boxes everywhere!

Here is my new couch and funky chaise longue:




Here is a messy picture of my kitchen/computer relaxation area:

Pass the Ativan*

I’m having an anxiety attack. Ok – it’s not exactly an anxiety attack, but panic is settling in. I’m really going to jump and I don’t have a parachute. I don’t do well with uncertainty. I’m a super planner and although I’ve detailed my jump as accurately as possible, there are still a few unanswered questions.

1. Will I be able to find someone to take over my lease?
2. Will I find two more roommates?
3. And the big one: Will I be able to get a student loan or student line of credit?

The first two I can get around for a few months if the third one comes through. However, without the financing I’m toast. I won’t be able to afford my tuition and I wouldn’t be able to eat. Getting rid of my house doesn’t make things any better – it would actually make my financial situation worse! I wouldn’t be getting rental income and paying an apartment would actually be more than my mortgage!

I don’t like the unknown and right now I won’t have any answers for at least another two weeks. I really hate that things are out of my control. Bah! I’m so OC*!!

I’m not panicking in the sense that I’ll be out on the streets – It’s more that I won’t be able to fulfill my dream of going back to school. I won’t be giving my notice until I’m sure about everything and even if I DID give my notice, it would just mean going to school part-time and working part-time for the first semester. Hmmmm…. I think I might have found a way to get around this should the financing fall through. It wouldn’t be ideal, but I could still get all my courses completed by the end of the second semester and be ready to apply for the Radiology program for September 2008.

I love blogging. It actually helped me think things through and subside the heart palpitations. Who knew blogging could act as a stress reliever. :-)

___________________________________

Just because I know at least one person is not going to get my post:
*Ativan- Drug used to treat severe anxiety
**OC – Obsessive-Compulsive (not Orange County)

Hypochondriac, justified or just plain weird

I’ve always thought I was a bit of a hypochondriac. When most people only see their doctor once every few years (maybe once a year for women), I tend to develop a very close relationship with my doctors. Sure, there’s the fact that I have to see my doctor every three months to follow-up on medication I’m taking, but every time I see my doctor I always seem to have an issue that needs mentioning. Sometimes I even have several issues. Ugh.

I’m seeing my doctor as usual in a few weeks. My current issue? I can barely feel my hands. Currently, I wake up several times a night with my hands tingling and feeling “asleep”. About a year and a half ago my doctor in Stellarton thought it might be carpal tunnel syndrome. The assumption was that I slept with my hands rolled inward which blocks the nerve on the inside of my wrist. Since then I wear wrist braces when I sleep (really sexy). It sort of helped in the beginning, but in the last 6 months it does nothing! I wake up all the time during the night and concentrate on keeping my hands perfectly flat. In the morning my hands are almost painful and I can barely lift anything. Now, in the last 6 weeks I’ve been feeling numbness in my two large toes. It started in the left one and now is in both. It’s not the whole toe; just the outer quarter is completely numb. Weird, huh? Last week I noticed the padding right beneath my other toes is now numb. What the fuck?

So I’m not sure if I’m actually a hypochondriac or not. The fact that I can even identify my potential hypochondriac-ness probably means I’m not, right? The truth is, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought there was something “wrong” with me. I always felt that one day I would go see my doctor and he/she would say, “Changa, you have X” and I could finally say, thank you – it all makes sense now. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been surrounded by illness and just wanted to fit in or because I’ve always felt so “off” my whole life.

Is it weird that I would much prefer to have my doctor identify all my symptoms as being one thing? In my mind, if at least I had something I could just treat it and move on. Or if untreatable I could at least know what the cause of all this is. Currently I just have “band-aids” to calm my current issues. Night sweats? Remove extra blanket from bed. Headaches? Don’t get so stressed-out. Light-headedness? Don’t get up so fast. Tired out? Sleep more. Can’t sleep? Take these sleeping pills. Numbness in hands? Wear these funky braces and all will be fine. So all these band-aids are somewhat fine and dandy, but it doesn’t actually tell me why all these things keep happening to me. Bah.

You know what? At least if I WAS hypochondriac, they could at least identify it as such and give me a freakin’ pill for it!