Pity Post.

Back in October I got a call from Public Health offering me a job at immunization clinics. As a bonus, they said they would be paying me the salary of a REAL nurse. I was ecstatic! I could make more money there in 6 weeks than I could make working at Cora’s for 4 months! So what did I do? I accepted the job and immediately quit Cora’s. A few days after I quit, I find out I won’t be getting paid the same as a nurse, but the salary is comparable to Cora’s so I don’t care. Well, fast forward a few weeks and the vaccination debacle began. They cancel my first shift because they don’t have enough vaccines. I haven’t received any shifts since... and don’t have any money coming in. In the meantime, I applied for EI. Normally, students don’t qualify for EI, but the provincial government was offering some sort of partnership that let us apply. I figured, if I could get EI I wouldn’t have to work for my last year. Taking 7 classes per semester AND working every weekend is just exhausting! The thought of having my weekends to study sounded completely dreamy. Well, I just got a message from EI saying I don’t qualify because I don’t have enough hours. FUCK! I’m so upset right now! I don’t want to go back to Cora’s. The idea of having to work every weekend is making me nauseous.

I know I have to start looking for a job stat before the money runs out, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I know I could go back to Cora’s in an instant, but that would be my very last resort. Can you please send me happy job vibes so I can find a job with a decent salary where I could work one day a week that doesn't make me want to slit my wrists?

It’s a long one… you’ve been warned

I think I had a slight breakthrough with Mr. Maybe last night. I got him to talk about his feelings and stress he’s been living with lately. Unfortunately, I didn’t get him to talk about his feelings regarding me… all in due time, I guess.

He talked a lot about his son and how his very unexpected birth has had a significant impact on his life. I mean, how could a child not have an impact on his life? I asked him if he ever realized that, as much as his son is a precious gift, that his arrival was also an important loss in his life. It was a loss of the future life he had envisioned for himself and a future wife. When I said this, it was like I had reached into his mind and pulled out exactly what he was feeling but had never really realized it. He might have thought it, but also felt guilty for thinking it, just like any parent would. The fact that I was able to pin point his feelings gave him carte blanche to say what he really felt. However, when he talked about his frustration, he said he had never even wanted kids. My heart breaks every time he says this. It’s always followed by, really I don’t know if I ever wanted kids… all I know is I never wanted a child this way. I don’t know what I want for the future. It’s hard for me because I really want kids and I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with a guy who doesn’t want children. But he’s still on the fence on the subject and I can’t expect him to know what he wants in the future because he just had a child! I can’t ask him to make that kind of decision right now! Just thinking of my friends who have had a child within the last few years and the struggles they have with the decision to have another child, makes me realize it’s completely unfair of me to even broach the subject. My friend M recently, who has an 18-month old daughter, told me recently, “I can guarantee you he’s not thinking about and kids in the same thought process. In fact the thought of more kids… especially with you has probably never even crossed his minds”. I know she’s right, but I wonder if I’m wasting my time… I worry that a year from now he’ll decide he doesn’t want any more children and then what? I will be 34 years old and no closer to having a child. Wow. 34 is getting up there when it comes to having kids. The thought of it just makes my stomach turn! Then again, he’s still just Mr. Maybe… but is he just Mr. Maybe because I won’t let myself feel more because I’m afraid we won’t want the same things or is he Mr. Maybe because I simply don’t know if he’s Mr. Right.

I know I should just relax and enjoy the ride, but I’m a planner by nature and need to know what will happen in the future. I’m not sure I can wait until the end of exams to have the “where is this going” talk. I think I’m going to have to confront that subject sooner rather than later.


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One of those days

I’m feeling completely blah today. I don’t know if it’s because the March break is almost over or because I’m starting a new round of exams next week, but I just can’t shake it. Actually, I think I know what it is… yes, you might have guessed it: Mr. Maybe. *sigh* Don’t worry - Nothing has changed between us. But that might just be the problem. Next week we’ll have been together for four months. I’m starting to have really strong feelings for this guy. The problem is, I have no idea where he stands. I don’t even know if he considers me his girlfriend or not. He doesn’t communicate. At. All. I know I need to talk about it to him, but I have no idea how to broach the subject. How do I tell him how I feel without putting myself out there in a completely vulnerable state?


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My emotions got the better of me...

I always thought I was able to keep my emotions in check. Movies, TV Shows, books, music rarely makes me cry. Even when my brother passed away I barely shed a tear. Believe me, it’s not because it didn’t hurt! I’ve just always been the strong, serious one. Then today, almost out of nowhere, I get sideswiped by my emotions!

I was in class watching an educational video on head injuries and comas. I’ve seen many videos this year that dealt with a variety of difficult issues and I’ve always been fine. Most of them dealt with real people who witnessed real loss and I was ok… but today… ugh. There was a mother with her 7-month old baby who had a traumatic head injury in a car accident. The baby was essentially brain dead and the family decided to stop all forms of life support… but the little guy kept fighting for a whole 2 weeks. There was a scene where the mother was rocking the baby and telling him, “It’s ok, you can go now, I’ll always love you”… and I lost it. Even now as I reflect on it I’m crying. At the end of class I had to head to the washroom to try to compose myself before my next class.

This really took me by surprise. I still can't shake the image out of my head. I thought I would be ok working in pediatrics, but maybe I’ll have to revise that idea. :-(

What is the universe trying to tell me?

I’m having a bad day. Two months ago it seemed like everything was pointing me in the direction of a new career, but lately the universe seems to be making things a tad more complicated. The financial situation isn’t what I was hoping it would be – here is the run down:
- My second request for a loan has been denied. My alternate option has possibly gone bust as well (can’t get into it online)
- I was hoping to be kept on a retainer with my currently employer, but they didn’t’ bite. They will keep me on, but only pay me what I bill them each week. This means it won’t be the stable paycheque I had hoped for. Right now I just want to ditch them completely as I will have to suffer through more stupid writing without the income I wanted.
- I’ve advertised my car lease for the last week in the local paper and not one call.
- I still have one un-rented room

I’m feeling exhausted by the pressure. Between the unanswered financial issues and the home repair, I’m just so tired. I also feel like there is no one to talk to. I usually go one about such things on my blog, but not being able to get into the details (and have someone on the other end say – my God that’s ridiculous! You deserve better) makes me feel lost. My sister is also in Paris right now (bitch) and she is normally the one I tend to turn to.

I’m starting to doubt myself.

Blarg. Take Two

It’s not so much that I’m still feeling blah, but more of a continuation of my earlier thoughts.

I just had a tear-filled conversation with my Mother. She feels like her family has abandoned her. She was upset because she feels I’m not there for her… like yesterday when I got home I just went to my dungeon instead of checking in with her. I told her it’s an issue of survival. I can’t take care of her right now – I need to take care of myself. She says she understands, but I don’t know she does.

She’s gone to see her doctor right now and all I can say is THANK GOD! Maybe I’m too much of a pro-counselor pusher, but I don’t understand why people insist they don’t need counseling! It’s not a question of needing it; it’s a question of making your life easier. If you had the following math problem to do:

(3985 x 439) – 4790 + 3958 (7485 / 74) + 3985 = ?

You could probably figure it out on your own with a lot of work. However, wouldn’t it be easier if you had a calculator? In fact, if you had a calculator and you insisted on doing the problem without it, people would whisper; look at that stubborn idiot! That’s how I see counseling – it’s a helping hand. It doesn’t mean you are a failure or that you CAN’T do it on your own, it just means you are using all the tools available to you.

My Mother claims I am not being supportive, but when did it become the child’s role to be the parent? If you have kids or will have kids, do you expect them to take care of you in a moment of crisis? Do you expect your children to be your social network if you should loose your partner? What would have happened if my father had passed away when I was a baby… would my siblings have been expected to take care of my mother? What about the person who doesn’t have a partner or kids… who takes care of them?

I think I’m frustrated because I’ve been in this role-reversal for the last 15 years. I realise I need to get over my frustration but it’s not easy - I feel like a part of my childhood was taken away from me. So how, after all these years, do I become the child again?

Hmmm… maybe going back to school is more appropriate than I had ever thought

Blarg.

This day cannot go by fast enough. Mondays in general are sucky, but today I’m feeling extra tired and cranky. Yeah, the after-effects of the alcohol are likely the cause of my bitchness, but the fact that it’s a Monday isn’t helping either.

I’m trying to work, but my carpel tunnel is really annoying me. Typing is fine, but as soon as I try to use my mouse, my wrist gets painful. This makes doing research (which is what I’m supposed to be doing) a little challenging. I’m going to see an acupuncturist tomorrow morning – I’ve hear acupuncture really helps. We’ll see.

Things on the home front are tense (to say the least). My Mom is having a bad week and making sure we are all aware of it. It’s difficult because both my sisters and I are tapped out. We don’t have any sympathy left to give… we just can’t seem to listen to her cry anymore… we all have our own shit to deal with. I know this must sound awful to an outsider, but this isn’t the first time we’ve gone through the grieving process. We grieved on our own and we’ve helped my mother grieve… right now we all just have enough energy to keep ourselves together. However, my mother doesn’t see it that way – she’s already half-mentioned that her daughters aren’t there for her. I think she is mad/sad that none of us are at her side constantly…. none of us are calling to ask her out for supper… none of us are checking in… none of us are dropping by. She sees us as selfish – yet, we’re just trying to survive.

Honestly, I have no idea HOW to be there for her. It’s like, I’ve been down this road so often that I’ve turned off that part of my brain that can help people. It’s like I’ve run out of sympathy gas.

I hope things are better when I get home tonight. Yesterday was like walking on eggshells. I hid in the basement most of the day. Ugh. 22 days to go. I CAN do this.

Don't give a hairdresser two pictures

I got a haircut today. It’s the first haircut in four months. I had been trying to grow out my hair because I wanted a specific style that needed a little length. I went to a new hairdresser since I still haven’t found one I like. I brought the following picture:



Since the bangs aren’t exactly how I want them, I brought an old picture of myself to use as reference for my BANGS and only my bangs.


After a mass amount of cutting, I asked which picture she was using as reference. Yours, she answered. Crap! After indicating I actually wanted to look like Ashley Scott, she did her best to fix the do, but it was too late. So now I look like I have a helmet on my head. Ugh.

four months of really bad hair for nothing.

Don't even ask. I'm no posting a picture.