It’s a long one… you’ve been warned

I think I had a slight breakthrough with Mr. Maybe last night. I got him to talk about his feelings and stress he’s been living with lately. Unfortunately, I didn’t get him to talk about his feelings regarding me… all in due time, I guess.

He talked a lot about his son and how his very unexpected birth has had a significant impact on his life. I mean, how could a child not have an impact on his life? I asked him if he ever realized that, as much as his son is a precious gift, that his arrival was also an important loss in his life. It was a loss of the future life he had envisioned for himself and a future wife. When I said this, it was like I had reached into his mind and pulled out exactly what he was feeling but had never really realized it. He might have thought it, but also felt guilty for thinking it, just like any parent would. The fact that I was able to pin point his feelings gave him carte blanche to say what he really felt. However, when he talked about his frustration, he said he had never even wanted kids. My heart breaks every time he says this. It’s always followed by, really I don’t know if I ever wanted kids… all I know is I never wanted a child this way. I don’t know what I want for the future. It’s hard for me because I really want kids and I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with a guy who doesn’t want children. But he’s still on the fence on the subject and I can’t expect him to know what he wants in the future because he just had a child! I can’t ask him to make that kind of decision right now! Just thinking of my friends who have had a child within the last few years and the struggles they have with the decision to have another child, makes me realize it’s completely unfair of me to even broach the subject. My friend M recently, who has an 18-month old daughter, told me recently, “I can guarantee you he’s not thinking about and kids in the same thought process. In fact the thought of more kids… especially with you has probably never even crossed his minds”. I know she’s right, but I wonder if I’m wasting my time… I worry that a year from now he’ll decide he doesn’t want any more children and then what? I will be 34 years old and no closer to having a child. Wow. 34 is getting up there when it comes to having kids. The thought of it just makes my stomach turn! Then again, he’s still just Mr. Maybe… but is he just Mr. Maybe because I won’t let myself feel more because I’m afraid we won’t want the same things or is he Mr. Maybe because I simply don’t know if he’s Mr. Right.

I know I should just relax and enjoy the ride, but I’m a planner by nature and need to know what will happen in the future. I’m not sure I can wait until the end of exams to have the “where is this going” talk. I think I’m going to have to confront that subject sooner rather than later.


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