February Méli-Mélo

Wow! I haven’t posted in almost a month! I realise I was a bit of a Debbie Downer in my last post, but things have gotten better. Since my last post, I’ve become a little more positive about everything. So here is an update on all things Changa

Life as a busted babymaker

A few weeks ago we got our official IVF dates. Yay! I’m feeling pretty good about the entire thing. After my last freak out session I stopped thinking about all the negative “what ifs” because it was making me crazy. Instead, I’ve been focusing on the positive and letting myself get excited at the possibility of being pregnant soon. I realise I might be setting myself up for a major let down, but I feel much better focusing on the positive. When I was trying to prepare myself for the possibility of the IVF not working, I was constantly in a panic mode... with a positive outlook, there is no more hyperventilating, no more crying and my husband doesn’t have to deal with my crazies every other day. :-)

We’ll be going to an information session on Monday at the clinic where we’ll learn how to understand the wonky calendar we have to follow, how to mix and inject drugs and how the whole thing is going to go down. I’m excited to finally have all the information. I find we haven’t been told much. What information we received was on the same day we got the diagnosis and there’s no way you can integrate all this complex info when all you can focus on is not crying. Thank goodness for great friends like Chelle and JL who have been wonderful at filling in the blanks. Thanks to Chelle, I realized I needed to take some time off work… which my new boss has been really great about. She actually changed my shifts around so I wouldn’t have to use my sick days. I only have 7 sick days and I would have needed about 5, sp I’m really glad she was able to do that for me.

After the information session I start injections on February 21 for about two weeks. Then, on March 4 I’ll a whole bunch of new drugs to the regiment in preparation for the egg retrieval on March 15. Finally, we’re looking at an embryo(s) transfer on either March 18 or March 20. Looks like we might have some good news in April!

Life as an oncology nurse

I’m on my third week at the oncology department and so far, so good. I really miss my little babes and all the great friends I made in peds, but I’m surviving. Many of the nurses I work with have young children and 2 are a few months pregnant. That could be a really wonderful thing if we get pregnant or really disappointing thing if IVF doesn’t work. We just have to wait and see.

October Méli-Mélo

I’ve had ideas for posts rolling around my head for weeks now, but just haven’t had the time to write them down. So here is a general update on my life:

Family
First, I’ll start with the bad news. My 14 year old nephew Alex was diagnosed with H1N1 yesterday. He went to emerg after having trouble breathing, they did a swab and called a few hours later to confirm it was H1N1. The rational part of me knows that 99% of people who get this will be fine in a few days, but I'm still a little worried. I hope he's ok, and I hope it doesn't spread through my family. My other sister has Diabetes, so does her son and her husband has MS.... I don't want to think of what could happen if it spread to them.

School
As mentioned in my previous post, I had been following a family through the last months of pregnancy. It was a wonderful experience. The mother was afraid I would be traumatised by the experience and wouldn’t want to have kids. I told her if I could have the amount of control she had, labour should be easy peasy. She gave birth without an epidural or any drugs. She meditated through her contractions and was so completely focused I was amazed.

I finished the project this week with a post-partum visit with the family and do a physical assessment of the new babe. Everything went perfectly. The little one was so cooperative and I managed to finish my assessment with flying colours. Now I just have to finish my report for Monday and I’m done!

The rest of my classes are going really well. My first set of exams and projects were a few weeks ago and I did really well on all of them. The one I wrote the day I attended the birth wasn’t all that great, but considering I was pretty exhausted, I’m happy with it.

Work
Tomorrow is my last shift at Cora’s. YAY!!!! I gave my two week notice when I accepted a temporary job with public health. As of this week I’ll be joining the craziness and administrating H1N1 vaccines. I’m hoping the money I’ll make over the next few months will sustain me for some time in the new year.

Home Life
Mr. Perfect moved in a week ago and my last tenant moved out. Wheeee! The move went really well and we’re almost done reorganising the house. So far things couldn’t be better. In fact, we’re so happy we’re practically annoying!

September Méli-Mélo

School Life
Last week I started my third year in nursing. I can’t believe I’m actually in my THIRD year! I’m not sure why, but it feels like I suddenly have street cred when it comes to my studies. With two years under my belt I feel much more like a nurse. It’s an awesome feeling. It’s also great to know that I’m at least halfway done... and maybe more if I am accepted in the accelerated program (I’ll know by the end of the semester).

This semester is all about the specialties: pediatrics, labour & delivery, psychiatry, community health, as well as a few classes on nursing theory. It’s nice not to have any clinical practicum mixed in with my classes. Starting in January, though, I’ll have 6 months of clinical work.


Home Life
I’m still searching for a new roommate. I can pretty much scratch off September, but I’m hoping I’ll get someone by October. In the last 8 months I’ve had 4 months with at least one vacant room. That’s really tough on the finances.

Last Saturday Mr. Perfect helped me out with a few home projects, including cutting down trees and replacing missing boards on my patio. I was so grateful for his help! I keep looking at my patio and can’t believe the boards have FINALLY been replaced! I’ve been “planning” on doing it since April. Mr. Perfect also got an introduction to my wacky sense of organization. The following conversation took place, as we were about to go work on the patio:
Mr.Perfect: “Where’s the cat’s paw (nail puller), I lent you a few months ago?”
Me: “Ummm… I think it’s in my office… on my desk”
Mr. Perfect: “Of course... office... makes complete sense”
Mr. Perfect: “Didn’t you say you bought nails? Where are they”
Me (giggling): “In the kitchen… in the drawer where I keep my dishcloths”
Me (about to go outside to do some work): “I’ll be right there. I just have to get my hammer”
Mr. Perfect looks at me with a look that says “And where might your hammer be?”
Me: “I keep my hammer in my filing cabinet.” :-)

Love Life
Obviously, Mr. Perfect and I are still going strong. Returning to my school routine has been tough as we were used to seeing each other almost every day, but we are making it work. We'd like to move in together eventually, but we are trying to be responsible about it and take our time with that decision. We don't want to move in together just because I need a new roommate... we want it to be for the right reasons.

Waiting most of my life to say this…

I’m about to say something I’ve been hoping to say for the last 25 years: I am no longer allergic to raspberries! I realise this might seem like trivial news to most of you, but the memory of just how sick raspberries made me when I was little, still makes me shiver.

Most people who know me IRL, have likely heard me ask: what’s this red stuff in this desert? What’s this made of? I hadn’t had a raspberry since I was 7 or 8 years old. My mother discovered I was allergic to raspberries when I spent a summer eating raspberries out of my great-uncle’s garden and subsequently spending the rest of the day with a horrible migraine and vomiting. I was so scarred of raspberries when I was little that I didn’t even eat a raspberry flavoured gummy until I was an adult!

I had always wanted to see if I had outgrown the allergy, but there just never seemed to be a right time to block off the day for a potential migraine. Then, a few months ago, I accidentally received a raspberry crepe instead of the strawberry crepe I had ordered. I realised the error the instant I took a bite, but it was too late. Obviously I didn’t eat the rest of the crepe, but it was too late for the single bite. I waited for the killer migraine to hit, but it never came. In the last month I started experimenting: raspberry yogourt… nothing, cottage cheese with field berries… nothing, frozen raspberries in a smoothie… still nothing!

This news brings a world of opportunities: new desserts, variety packs of yogourt that include raspberries, blackberries or field berries and of course, fresh raspberries. Yay!


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Mid-Summer Update

I don’t feel like my life has been all that exciting/funny lately so there hasn’t been much to update. However, since I feel guilty when I don’t post, here is my mid-summer méli-mélo.

- Finished my clinical work last week and it all went very well. My final mark was a B+, which is really good for clinical, but I was really hoping for an A
- Started work in the EEG department at the hospital. It’s very relaxed and not too stressful. It’s nice to not have to use my brain all that much. The down side is that I’m losing 5 days of work because they don’t have enough money in their budget for me. Oh well. I guess it’s just more vacation for me.
- The hole in my ceiling is almost completely repaired. Mr. Perfect and I covered it with drywall last week and he’ll be back this weekend to do the patch work. What a freakin’ mess that drywall! My entire house is covered in a white dusty film. Ugh.
- Pacha has decided she is no longer housetrained and is now peeing on a daily basis while I’m at work. Weird dog.
- My newest roommate seems to be ok. I like the fact that she’s rarely here. :-) I’m still on the search for a second roommate. *sigh*
- I did a prenatal class in preparation for my clinical work in obstetrics. It was awesome! I totally reinforced the fact that I would love to work in Obstetrics.
- I got a sneak peak at my Fall schedule and, so far, it looks like I’ll have Friday’s off. Wheee!

I guess that’s about it for now.


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Sprintime Méli-Mélo

I haven’t been updating because it’s been so busy lately. Here’s a hodgepodge of what’s going on in my life.

Home Life
After almost two months of searching for a roommate, I finally found someone a little over a week ago. I can say that I’m really happy to have that weight lifted off my shoulders… but I can’t stand the guy! I’m calling the new guy Big Rig because that’s what he drives… and that’s what takes over my street when he parks it in front of my house. He’s in his late 20’s and going through a divorce. He needed a place for a few months to get his “stuff” together. He’s a talker and insists on chatting away while I try to study or do homework. The fact that I don’t comment the whole time he is complaining about his difficult situation hasn’t clued him in that I am not interested! I’m thinking of wearing earplugs and pretending I don’t hear him when he talks to me.

Work Life
Still working at the restaurant on weekends and still wish I didn’t have to. I pretty much have my summer job lined up with the hospital. Since I have to do a clinical all of June (but am off May, July and August), it’s a bit tricky to work around.

School Life
I’ll be done school in exactly one month! Today is the first day I’ve had a small reprieve from all my exams. I have a few less stressful days and then I jump back in for my finals. Overall, I’m doing fairly well, but I can tell I don’t have the stamina I did before Christmas. However, I think everyone is feeling the crunch.

Summer School Life
I found out today I have to do two classes during the Spring/Summer term: chemistry and psych. I knew there was a good chance I wouldn’t get credited for the two chemistry classes I did last year and would have to do another chemistry class, but I figured psych would be covered no problem. I’ve done four psych classes in the past (first year and second year classes), but apparently they are not equivalent to this one first year class. I was so pissed off when I heard this! Frack. That means dishing out another 1000$ in May, plus having three hour classes on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. PLUS, these classes are going to creep over into my clinical in June. I’ll likely be losing my mind during the first two weeks of June!

You know what? You would think that having an eight year relationship with a psych major AND seeing a psychologist on an almost yearly basis for most of my adult life would count for something!

Love Life
Still seeing Mr. Maybe. I’ve decided I will not enter into any “dangerous” conversations until after my exams. For now, it’s the status quo.


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Updates All Around

School
• Things are going really well with school, although I had a lot of trouble getting back into the swing of things in January. I think I was still spent from my first semester. With exams starting next week I have no choice but to get swinging!
• I’m loving my practicum! I feel like I’m learning so much and am slowly building my confidence.

Work
• I’m only working one day a week at the restaurant but it’s still too much. When I wish upon a star, I imagine I didn’t have to work while studying. *sigh*… one can always dream, I guess.

Home
• I currently only have two roommates and although I miss the extra money of a third roommie, it’s a thousand times better. I have a couple living with me and I have to say, they’ve been great. They are really quiet and so far the guy has shoveled the entire driveway every time it’s snowed! As a bonus, I have yet to be woken up to the sounds of loud sex coming from the next room.

Pacha
• Still adorable as ever. Here’s a picture of her on Christmas day (hence the bows) with the new collar I made her.



The Boy
• I’m still seeing the same guy. I guess we’re approaching the 3-month mark.
• A few weeks ago we decided we weren’t dating other people, so I guess that would make us exclusive.
• Around the same time, I had also come to the conclusion that I didn’t think he was Mr. Right, but that I was perfectly content with Mr. Right Now. I might have to go back on that… I’m NOT saying he’s Mr. Right, but I’m not sure I can count him out just yet. I don’t know… the last few times we were together there was just something there. I’m proceeding with caution.

...

... $1,319 later

That’s how much I’ve spent in books and school material so far this semester! Yikes! It’s pretty much because I have to buy the big 1st year books and the even bigger 2nd year books at the same time.

I’ve been back to school for two weeks now and it’s crazy busy! Therefore, it’s going to be another point form post for now. Hopefully, once I get into the groove, I’ll be able to post more frequently.

- As I’ve mentioned before, I’m taking 7 classes. 5 classes is pretty much the norm; 6 classes is considered a heavy semester. For 7 classes you need special permission! It’s intense and doesn’t leave me much time for anything but reading and homework. There is A LOT of reading and prep work to do! I mean, I have $1,300 worth of reading! Hah!

- My classes are all very interesting with the exception of biology. The ironic thing is, biology would normally be my favourite class, but now I’ve been introduced to better things. :-)

- I’ll be starting my hospital clinicals in just two weeks. Things progress quickly in this program. I’ll be in the hospital 2 days a week, every two weeks. In the beginning it was quite overwhelmed. It seemed like I had just decided to study nursing and would already have my first client before the end of the month! EEEK! I’m getting used to the idea, though. There is no doubt that I will know by the end of the semester if I like this career path or not.

- I had read this summer that the average age for a first year student in nursing was 32. That was obviously a US statistic because I’m definitely the oldest one there! There is one more girl who is an LPN and now studying to be a BN/RN and she looks close to my age. Other then that, everybody seems pretty young. Even some of my profs are younger!

- I bought a stethoscope this week. Now I really feel like a nursing student. I sat on the couch and listened to my heartbeat for 15 minutes. Hah! Then I listened to Pacha’s heart. I already know that any nurse out there will be frowning on my listening to my dog’s heartbeat. Yeah; I’m pretty sure it’s a no-no. Her heartbeat was all whack! It was completely irregular. I checked online thinking it was a dog thing, but apparently dogs should have a rhythmic heartbeat somewhat like ours. Hmmm... I’m going to have to check that again.

- I'm back to work at the restaurant and am really happy I'm working one day a week. It's nice to have the cash and do something other than study. It's also nice to only have one day, though!

- I’m done my headboard and finished installing laminate flooring in my room, but don’t have any pictures yet. Soon – I promise! I really need to clean my room first.

- I have new pictures of Pacha, though!

This is her "Rub Mah Bell-eh" pose


When you stop rubbing her belly she does the wiggle dance which means, hey! Don't stop rubbing my belly!


"I go on couch now?"

Earlier this week my nephew came over to cut my lawn and he brought Gabi with him. Gabi and Pacha go nuts when they are together. They ran around the yard while Alex cut the lawn. After a while they came inside for a drink of water and I discovered two alien-pawed dogs!

A Quickie!

I haven’t been a great blogger lately so here’s a quick update:

- I’m on vacation this week – yay!!

- I’m working on a few projects such as building a headboard out of an old door and installing laminate flooring in my bedroom. The headboard is coming along nicely and I will be starting on the floor soon. My sister gave me her left over flooring; what a sweetie she is!

- It’s Pacha’s birthday today! She is 2 years old. :-)

- After 14 long months on the market my sister finally sold her house last week and moved yesterday. Their new house should be ready in a few months. I’ve been visiting the lot regularly and it looks awesome!

- My Mom also sold her house last month and is moving tomorrow. She bought a brand new condo and will be moving in next month. I’m so excited for both my mom and my sister.

- I accepted Pravus as my friend on facebook with limited access to my profile. This morning I saw she posted a memorial for my brother complete with pictures of his final days. I feel so bad… she always wants expose the worst pictures of him. I’m sure my brother would prefer not having pictures of himself in a hospital gown for the whole world to see. *sigh* she also doesnt seem to understand the concept of caps commas periods general punctuation ugh

- I start school next Tuesday and I am so excited! I have to buy a stethoscope, which makes me ridiculously happy.

- I’m done working at the hospital and am returning to work at the restaurant this weekend.

- I promise pictures of my projects and new pics of Pacha in my next post!

Spring Méli-Mélo

Here’s the latest update on my life:

- I have 5 days left until I’m done my first year of University (version 2.0)

- It’s crunch time for exams as I have 3 left. So far the studying has been going well. Let’s hope I can keep it up.

- I applied for re-entry into the radiology program (only 9 are accepted in the second year) and I received a letter confirming my request has been acknowledged. Interviews will be help in May or June.

- I’m preparing for the worst when it comes to the program. I’ve finally accepted that if I don’t get in, it’s ok. I’ve been going 7 days a week for over a year now and not getting in would mean upgrading some of my classes and maybe slowing down a little. In would set me back a year, but maybe I need the break.

- I haven’t heard back from the federal job… but the federal government is notoriously slow.

- I had an interview for a summer position with the hospital last week and that’s the job I really want! It’s just admin work, but the pay is better and I would be working in a variety of departments, which would be really cool. One of my references informed me that they’ve checked with her – always a good sign.

- I’m running again (it’s been about a month) and my last two runs felt really good! It almost made me look forward to the next one.

- I’m slowly attempting the online dating thing with much caution.

- One of my roommates attempted to toast cheese in the toaster the other day... thank goodness my other roommate noticed before my toaster became an ooey-gooey mess! I seriously don't get them sometimes!

I guess that’s it for now. Back to the books!

Pulling The Plug

Last week my sister, her husband an 10 year-old son decided they would attempt to go 10 days without any electronics. That meant no TV, no DVDs, no game cube and no computer. They managed to keep away from the electronics for 6 days.

Well, they’ve inspired me to do the same. I have four exams next week and if there couldn’t be a better time to avoid the evils of TV and the Internet. As of midnight tonight until the end of my last exam on February 7, I am cutting myself off! EEEEKKK!!!



Of course, there are a few exceptions:
1) Email still needs to be checked twice a day since most of my profs use it as their main means of communication
2) Online banking is also aloud (I still have to pay bills)
3) I’m allowing myself a TV viewing pass for LOST on Wednesday and Thursday.

Wish me luck... but do so before midnight or I won't know for 10 days. Hah!

Another update

I was in the middle of writing a post Christmas Eve about my glorious day off when I was called into work. Bah! So if you haven’t had an update on my life you can blame Cora’s. :-)

So here is a quick recap of my life in the last 10 days

Work. Work.
It seems it’s all I’ve been doing lately. I finished my exams, had two days off and since then have only had Christmas off. At least the tips are pretty sweet this time of year. It looks like I’ll be getting a few days off next week. Gah! I soooo need it

The Holly-Days
I officially boycotted Christmas Eve. There aren’t any major family activities on Christmas Eve and since I got called into work I ended up cleaning and getting ready for Christmas day activities instead of going to visit anyone. I know, it sounds horrible, but I was so much happier to be in my PJs, getting ready for the big day than doing the rounds and feeling stressed about the work that needed to be done at work.

Family Ties
I hosted the Christmas dinner and I have to say it went swimmingly! There weren’t any hissy fits or crying spells or even any guilt trips. I swear, it’s like it wasn’t even Christmas! Mystery airport guy came over for dessert and got to meet the family. He passed the family test with flying colours… everyone loved him. As well, he appears to have come ahead in a comparison chart with previous boys I’ve brought home, so things look good.

Mystery Airport Guy
Things are still going well. We’ve been dating for almost a month now and I can’t complain. I’m still very hesitant, but I’ll stay on for the ride as long as he makes me happy. He really is a sweetheart and actually bought me the Buffy season 3 box set at a boxing-day sale because he knew I wanted it and wouldn’t be able to get it because I was working. Seasons 1, 2 and 3 where on sale for $15!!! Craziness! Oh! And I also bought seasons 5 and 7 because they were on super sale right before Christmas. Now I’m only missing seasons 4 and 6. Wheeeee! Oh yeah, back to mystery airport guy. Like I’ve said, I’m still hesitant, but trying not to analyse everything. I’ve avoided adding his phone number to my contacts list for fear that it might jinx things. :-)

Update post

Since there isn’t much excitement these days, I figured a quick update would be the way to go.

- Still dating mystery airport guy. It’s been a whole two weeks. Hah! Tonight will be our 5th date. Things are going well, but now the big question remains… do I get him a Christmas gift and if so what? Do I invite him to Christmas dinner where he will be introduced to my wacky family for the first time? So many questions! I think it’s going to be a last minute decision. Stores are still open Christmas Eve, right?
- Finished my exams yesterday and now I have 19 days of freedom (and work at Cora’s)
- I’ve started planning the menu for Christmas dinner… did I mention I’ll be playing hostess this year? My Mom is concerned my house is too small but I couldn’t care less!
- All done wrapping my 3 Christmas gifts. Hah!
- I’m planning on doing some crafty work during the holidays among which I’ll be building a headboard out of an old wooden door. I’ll keep ya posted.

SOS: Send Two-Bite Brownies and a Snowblower!

Freakin’ snow day! Moncton just got 30-some cm of snow overnight with more to come. Normally I would be excited at the prospect of a day off, but not today! You see, my chemistry professor offered us 15 bonus points on our exam if we were able to complete a small quiz this morning consisting of two questions. The catch was, you had to get both questions completely right. So, being an eager little student, I studied my heart out and was fully ready for the quiz. I was convinced the University would not be closed. I mean, the University NEVER closes!

So this morning I got up and got ready to weather the storm. I put on my snowjacket, boots, mittens, scarf and toque and headed out into the snow. I had listened to the radio and since there was no mention of the university closing I was going to get my 15 bonus points!

I should have known that when I had trouble opening the front door because of the knee-deep snow in front of it, I shouldn’t have headed out. But we are talking about 15 bonus points. Do you know what that means? If I got a 75% on my exam I would end up with a 90%!! Nothing was stopping me from my points.

The storm wasn’t too bad on my street but once I got onto the main street where it’s completely open I could barely see where I was going. Of course, none of the sidewalks were plowed so I rolled over a snow bank and started walking in the road… praying I would not get run over. A walk that would normally take 10 minutes took 30. The campus was completely dead… no cars whatsoever. I still wasn’t convinced so I made it all the way to my building. I figured if nothing else I could at least take a few minutes to warm up before heading back. The doors were locked!!

So completely frozen, I started to make my way back home. Of course, I was wearing jeans… who wears jeans in a snow storm?! Gah! The walk back wasn’t so bad... my jeans were so wet that my legs were numb from the cold so at that point I couldn’t feel anything. By the time I got home, my jeans were frozen so I had trouble bending my legs to get up over the bank. So I had to throw my bag over the curb and roll myself to my front door. Ugh.

Now I’m back in my PJs with a hot cup of coffee… dreading the shoveling that needs to be done soon. I just HAD to have the house with the colossal double driveway! Grrr.

Think Pink – Think Money

I went to Business Depot earlier this week and saw their new collection of think pink merchandise: staplers, pens, binders, folders, tape dispensers, you name it! I was instantly attracted to the display because I like pink and I like to support breast cancer research. I bought a pack of two pens. Plain papermate pens – but pink. It cost me four bucks!! I went back to check how much money was going to breast cancer research. A dollar from any pink product sold would go to breast cancer research… no matter what the price of the product. However, after looking around for the price of similar products that weren’t pink I found that the think pink stuff was often 2 to 6 dollars more!

Social issues have become the new marketing campaign. I wouldn’t have bought those pens had they not been for breast cancer research. And, although the research got my measly dollar, Corporate America got the rest.

Later in the day I went to Zellers and started noticing just how many think pink things there are: pillows, candy, watches, soap, CDs, etc. It’s getting a bit ridiculous. Of course, I’m glad money is going for research but I can’t help but feel these companies aren’t donating the money out of the goodness of their hearts. Most of them are jacking up the price to cover the donation and then some. And we are buying into it.

So next time you see a think pink item and are about to buy it just so your dollar will go to breast cancer research… stop and think… then take the money it would have cost you to buy the product and donate it to your local breast cancer research.

Oh Baby.

I’ve been thinking about this post for several days. I think of stuff I want to write… but then there are so many thoughts and ideas that I just can’t seem to pull it all together. I guess that’s more or less a forewarning that my post will be long, confusing but has an actual point.

My best-friend had a beautiful baby girl, Claire, on Saturday. I have many friends with babies… in fact, I think I have more friends with kids than without. However, Michelle is likely my closest friend to have her first child. I am thrilled for her and her husband. Really, I am! Yesterday I went to see her at the hospital and spend a good half-hour holding her beautiful little girl. She’s got lots of black hair and big eyes and is just breath-taking. As Michelle passes me Claire she says to me, “Isn’t it strange how a few years ago we didn’t even think we wanted kids… but you… you always knew… even in high school you knew. You know, I’d never have imagined I’d have a child before you! It’s completely surreal.” I smile because I know exactly what she means… it’s strange how you think your life will end up one way and then suddenly you are on another path and have no idea how to get back on the initial path!

I was happy to see Michelle and Claire and like I’ve said before, I’m incredibly happy for her and her husband, but as I leave the hospital I start to bawl! I can’t help but feel that it should be me having a child by now. No. Let me rephrase that. I should be having a child as well. In the last four years I’ve tried to convince myself that if I didn’t have a child by the age of 35 I would adopt. I still feel strongly about this, but you know what? I don’t want to settle… I want the package deal! I want the husband who wants a baby as much as me! I want to share the experience with someone! Ugh.

I hate when I start thinking of the future. I wish someone could just guarantee me that I will one day be happily married and will have children. If I knew for sure I could stop worrying, right? Am I the only one who is always living for the future? Does everyone think like this or is it just me? I try my best to live in the moment, but it’s so hard. It’s always been – when I have my house, when I go back to school, when I graduate, when I meet my future husband. What about today? All this fast-forward thinking has brought me to another issue: God.

I’ve struggle with faith, spirituality, religion and the meaning of life for as long as I can remember. I grew up Catholic, but I wouldn’t call myself Catholic today… but rather a person who is spiritually lost and has been for a decade or so. When my father passed-away I got pissed-off at God and renounced religion for a very long time. In recent years I’ve realized that you can’t deny God’s existence if you can hate him, right? So I guess I do believe in God after all. My spiritual struggles have kinda been at a stand still for the last 5 years or so. I’ve read, I’ve researched, I’ve questioned, but I haven’t found my place. Then, one day in August, a seemingly normal girl rents one of the rooms in my house. Turns out this roommate is quite spiritual and has immense faith. She’s Christian… which denomination I can’t remember… but her faith is extremely important to her. So much so that she has an undergrad in biblical studies and she reads the bible every day. She prays on everything! Whether it’s about her job or her most recent boyfriend. She truly feels God has her back - sort-of-speak. Her faith amazes me. Particularly since it’s something she chose as an adult and not something she was forced into as a child. I find it rare to meet someone who is as well versed in World Religions as she is. Since she’s moved in, we’ve had numerous lengthy conversations about beliefs, faith, how she feels about other religions, etc. It’s been really uplifting to talk with her. So here’s the thing. I am not the devout Christian she is and will never be… heck, I’m not even sure if I’m Christian. I can’t see myself signing about Jesus in the shower or going through my morning prayer while I ride my bike to work. It’s just not me. However, since meeting Liz she has opened a small space in my heart for religion. I think I truly believe in God again… which God, I haven’t quite narrowed that one down yet, but I’ll get there. I think Liz was sent to me because she has something to teach me.

We interrupt this program for an important message from your broadcaster:
“I swear I have a point and everything will connect soon”
We now return to your usual programming.

Are you still with me? This post has a few elements: 1 – baby fever and my constant need to know I will one day be happily married with kids. 2 – Faith. This is where the two come together.

In the last few days I’ve wondered; if there is a God and he is in fact all goodness and perfection, then he only wants us to be happy, right? If this is true, then God would never put me on this earth with such a strong maternal instinct only to have me never have children of my own, right? How could a God that truly loves me do that? I can justify every difficult moment in my life with some sort of lesson or greater good. From every tragedy in my life, something positive has come out of it. But this one… I don’t see any lesson to learn from not being able to have children. There simply isn’t anything good to come from it. I guess the point I’m trying to make (to myself, anyway), is that, if there is a God he would never let me go through life without having any children. He knows it means too much to me.

So if I believe in God, does that mean I can stop worrying?

Méli-Mélo

Méli-mélo: French word meaning mish mash or jumble. Today’s post is a méli-mélo of information.

I missed a class today. I MISSED A CLASS! Gah! I feel like such a delinquent. :-( Thank goodness it was only chemistry… but still. Chemistry would be third on my list of “challenging classes” with physics and math tied for first. I guess I must have been tired because I somehow turned off my alarm when it rang and slept till 9:30 am (class was at 8:30). My next class is at 1:30 and I have been lazing around all morning instead of studying. I feel guilty about it, but not guilty enough to actually do something constructive.

Going to school is exhausting. Owning a house and going to school is even more exhausting, when I get home from class, I have the choice of studying, cutting the lawn, cleaning the kitchen or more studying. I wish I didn’t have to work part-time. It really cuts into my downtime… in fact it eliminates my downtime. I relish the days of being able to vedge on a Saturday morning with my big cup of coffee and my favourite online magazine.

What I really need is a non-student boy to either support me financially or be my housemaid. Since I can’t even find ONE respectable date, the chances of finding my very own boy toy are slim to none. Speaking of dates, I asked my French professor out. It’s not what you think; he’s no longer my professor. I found out last Friday that I had been exempted from taking French 1933. Yay! Which means that instead of doing French 1913 AND French 1933, I would only have French 1913 to do. This is a big relief, however, it also meant I wouldn’t get to see my cute French prof anymore. I decided I would attempt to ask him out. Although Dr. Couz told me I should intercept him in person and ask him out then, I just couldn’t do it so I sent him an email. Essentially, I advised him I would no longer be taking his class because of my exemption and was somewhat happy because it meant I could now ask him out for coffee. Of course, I said this in my most eloquent French. He hasn’t responded which means one of two things: a) he has a girlfriend or b) he’s afraid of the creepy stalker-student. Either way, it’s a bust.

I have to admit, I feel really lonely lately. It seems all I do is study and work… but that’s not really why I feel lonely. Even if I had some free time I wouldn’t have too many people to share it with. All of my real friends live outside of New Brunswick and the one friend I do have in Moncton is busy with an exciting life of her own. She’s married and expecting her first child next month. She has also said that, as an adult, she doesn’t feel the need for friends as she did when she was younger. She has her husband and her family and that’s enough for her. She feels seeing her friends maybe once a month is sufficient for her. Of course, I don’t think she was realizing what she was telling me when she was saying it… it was just a casual conversation about growing up and how life changes. So, to her, I’m like her period… something you see once a month.

These days, my social circle doesn’t extend much beyond my gene pool. My sisters are my best-friends and probably the only people I socialize with… oh, and my mom too. I know this is me complaining about being “alone” again, but it’s really hard. :-( I so wish I had someone to share my life with. The thought of coming home into the loving arms of a boyfriend/husband sounds so completely comforting to me these days. I wish my life wasn’t measured in pre-Mike and post-Mike time frames (Mike being my ex of course). I often measure my life in post-Mike years. We’ve been broken up for almost four years (it’ll be four years January 1) and I still count the years. Four freakin’ years and I have yet to be in love or in a relationship that has any potential for going somewhere. In these four years I’ve had lots of short lived dating adventures and one six-month relationship. Four years is half the amount of time we were together and yet I can’t move beyond validating my life on pre-Mike and post-Mike. Ugh. I really don’t get it. I’m cute. I’m smart. I’m a total catch – yet I’m still single. Why?

Point Form

I can’t believe it’s been over a week since I posted! Blogging is much more challenging when you don’t spend 8 to 10 hours a day in front of a computer. I keep thinking of things I want to write, but by the time I have a few minutes it has been replaced by mathematical equations.

Life as a student
Since it’s been so long since I posted and, let’s face it, I don’t have much time as I have to study, I’ll make this point form.
• I’m definitely a fish out of water. Everyone looks to me like they are freshman… that’s probably because a fourth year student would still only be 21. Gah!

• I keep hoping to run into cute masters or doctoral boys, but I haven’t seen too many that have that grad look.

• Even though I did most of my French classes way back when, I have to do them again. Ugh. This is a total piss off. However… there is a positive side note on profs below. :-)

• Most of my classes are killing me and leave me scratching my head in confusion. I haven’t done any advanced calculus, physics or chemistry in 12 years… the terminology seems familiar, but I can’t always figure out what the words mean. It's like trying to recall a language you once spoke.

• Like Barbie once said: “Math is hard”

• I’ve taken out my Dad’s old math books (he used to teach high school math) and have started refreshing my memory on basic information. I’m currently relearning grade 11 math… I should be caught up to University math by the end of the year. :-P

• Trying to figure out how to organize my time to optimize my studying has been a challenge. I can’t say I’m quite in the swing of things yet.

• It’s hard to even imagine having a dating life when the only guys you find even remotely interesting are your professors. Some professors, like my French professor, you find very interesting. I’d say he is about 28 or 29 and quite cute.

Life as a homeowner
• Things are finally starting to fall into place.

• My living room is painted and art has been hung up

• The space feels more welcoming every day

• Pictures to come eventually.

• My room is advancing nicely and I only have some sewing to do and a bit of construction work. More to come on that at a later date.

Life as a landlord
• My three roommates have all moved in

• So far, everyone seems to be getting along

• We’ve had a few “full house” moments when everyone is here, but for the most part, it’s very quiet

Life as a waitress
• I did my first shift at Cora’s on Saturday. Let’s say it didn’t go too well. My shoes were extremely slippery which caused me enormous issues. Think Bambi on ice.

• I slipped and fell face first once (I have the bruises to prove it)

• I slipped with a pot of coffee once

• I slipped and loss my balance once causing a plate and glass to go crashing to the floor

• All these slips were in front of the same table, with the same clients, causing one girl to scream out: Jesus Christ! Someone put something on the floor!

• On the way home from work, I hit a bunny on the highway. :-(

• When I got home I was praying said bunny wasn’t squished on the front of my car. Thank God it wasn’t.

• Sunday was much better. I had the right shoes so I felt like I could conquer the world!