Oh Baby.

I’ve been thinking about this post for several days. I think of stuff I want to write… but then there are so many thoughts and ideas that I just can’t seem to pull it all together. I guess that’s more or less a forewarning that my post will be long, confusing but has an actual point.

My best-friend had a beautiful baby girl, Claire, on Saturday. I have many friends with babies… in fact, I think I have more friends with kids than without. However, Michelle is likely my closest friend to have her first child. I am thrilled for her and her husband. Really, I am! Yesterday I went to see her at the hospital and spend a good half-hour holding her beautiful little girl. She’s got lots of black hair and big eyes and is just breath-taking. As Michelle passes me Claire she says to me, “Isn’t it strange how a few years ago we didn’t even think we wanted kids… but you… you always knew… even in high school you knew. You know, I’d never have imagined I’d have a child before you! It’s completely surreal.” I smile because I know exactly what she means… it’s strange how you think your life will end up one way and then suddenly you are on another path and have no idea how to get back on the initial path!

I was happy to see Michelle and Claire and like I’ve said before, I’m incredibly happy for her and her husband, but as I leave the hospital I start to bawl! I can’t help but feel that it should be me having a child by now. No. Let me rephrase that. I should be having a child as well. In the last four years I’ve tried to convince myself that if I didn’t have a child by the age of 35 I would adopt. I still feel strongly about this, but you know what? I don’t want to settle… I want the package deal! I want the husband who wants a baby as much as me! I want to share the experience with someone! Ugh.

I hate when I start thinking of the future. I wish someone could just guarantee me that I will one day be happily married and will have children. If I knew for sure I could stop worrying, right? Am I the only one who is always living for the future? Does everyone think like this or is it just me? I try my best to live in the moment, but it’s so hard. It’s always been – when I have my house, when I go back to school, when I graduate, when I meet my future husband. What about today? All this fast-forward thinking has brought me to another issue: God.

I’ve struggle with faith, spirituality, religion and the meaning of life for as long as I can remember. I grew up Catholic, but I wouldn’t call myself Catholic today… but rather a person who is spiritually lost and has been for a decade or so. When my father passed-away I got pissed-off at God and renounced religion for a very long time. In recent years I’ve realized that you can’t deny God’s existence if you can hate him, right? So I guess I do believe in God after all. My spiritual struggles have kinda been at a stand still for the last 5 years or so. I’ve read, I’ve researched, I’ve questioned, but I haven’t found my place. Then, one day in August, a seemingly normal girl rents one of the rooms in my house. Turns out this roommate is quite spiritual and has immense faith. She’s Christian… which denomination I can’t remember… but her faith is extremely important to her. So much so that she has an undergrad in biblical studies and she reads the bible every day. She prays on everything! Whether it’s about her job or her most recent boyfriend. She truly feels God has her back - sort-of-speak. Her faith amazes me. Particularly since it’s something she chose as an adult and not something she was forced into as a child. I find it rare to meet someone who is as well versed in World Religions as she is. Since she’s moved in, we’ve had numerous lengthy conversations about beliefs, faith, how she feels about other religions, etc. It’s been really uplifting to talk with her. So here’s the thing. I am not the devout Christian she is and will never be… heck, I’m not even sure if I’m Christian. I can’t see myself signing about Jesus in the shower or going through my morning prayer while I ride my bike to work. It’s just not me. However, since meeting Liz she has opened a small space in my heart for religion. I think I truly believe in God again… which God, I haven’t quite narrowed that one down yet, but I’ll get there. I think Liz was sent to me because she has something to teach me.

We interrupt this program for an important message from your broadcaster:
“I swear I have a point and everything will connect soon”
We now return to your usual programming.

Are you still with me? This post has a few elements: 1 – baby fever and my constant need to know I will one day be happily married with kids. 2 – Faith. This is where the two come together.

In the last few days I’ve wondered; if there is a God and he is in fact all goodness and perfection, then he only wants us to be happy, right? If this is true, then God would never put me on this earth with such a strong maternal instinct only to have me never have children of my own, right? How could a God that truly loves me do that? I can justify every difficult moment in my life with some sort of lesson or greater good. From every tragedy in my life, something positive has come out of it. But this one… I don’t see any lesson to learn from not being able to have children. There simply isn’t anything good to come from it. I guess the point I’m trying to make (to myself, anyway), is that, if there is a God he would never let me go through life without having any children. He knows it means too much to me.

So if I believe in God, does that mean I can stop worrying?