It's official. We will never have our own biological children. After another failed round of IVF, it has become clear that we have run out of options. I posted a message about this on facebook. The feedback I received from friends and family was beautiful and comforting. However, it’s been a week since then and now I feel so alone. Of course, I have Mr. Perfect, but the fact is, I’m all alone in my head. I have all these thoughts and ideas swirling in my mind and it just won’t stop. We have so many choices and decisions to make regarding adoption that I can’t seem to be able to keep it all straight. I feel this overwhelming pressure to pick a path and to stick with it... but what if we pick the wrong path and end up waiting longer for a child? We’ve also been considering a pretty significant move for a while now. We really want to leave for a year and go on some kind of adventure. We are also hoping this adventure might offer us a chance to make some extra money for adoption. Currently, we are seriously considering moving to Calgary. I’m almost guaranteed a job in nursing and Mr. Perfect’s skill set is in high demand. So this is what we are looking at:
Option #1 – Stay put and wait for public adoption
Currently we are on the waiting list to do our PRIDE training. The wait time is 1 to 2 years. Once we’ve done our PRIDE training we have our home study done and once approved move to the official waiting list. Once we’re on the list the wait time can be another 1 to 3 years. Since we would like a sibling group and are open to children up to the age of 10, the expected wait is probably about 3 years. We’ve been waiting for our PRIDE training for 6 months.
Cost: Free
Pros:
- It’s free!
- We will more than likely get a sibling group and we would really love to have more than one child
- We stay in put
- Access to medical records and medical history
Cons:
- The wait time is unpredictable. They say about 3 years, but we’ve heard of couples who have requirements similar to ours and they’ve been waiting 4 years... and are still waiting
- We stay put
- We will not get a child younger than 2 years old
- All children are considered special needs because they have lived through some sort of trauma.
Option #2 – Move to Calgary and opt for private domestic adoption
Moving to Calgary would give us access to adoption agencies. Just reading about all the work the agencies do for you makes me feel more relaxed. I wish we would have these kinds of services locally! With private adoption (which is almost non-existent in NB), you get matched with birthmothers looking to give their child up for adoption. Wait time is approximately 2 years, but we’ve been told to prepare for 3 years.
Cost: approximately $12,000
Pros:
- The child placed with us will more than likely be younger than 2 years old
- Cost is significantly less than international adoption
- We get to move to Calgary, which is like an adventure
- Wait time feels less scary
- Access to medical records and medical history
- Domestic adoption doesn’t seem as scary complicated as international adoption
- We could potentially make more money in Alberta
Cons:
- We can’t start the process until we actually move to Calgary (something we hope to do in the spring)
- If we do start this process in Alberta, we need to stay in Alberta until 12 months after a child is placed with us... which could be up to 4 years!
- I’d miss my family horribly!
- Career wise, I would lose my seniority each time I move. My salary would reflect my experience, but I would be on the bottom of the list for choosing my vacation and would be last in line for promotions.
- Real estate is extremely high in Calgary which could mean living in an apartment our entire time there.
Option # 3 – Move to Calgary for a year, hope to make money and come back to adopt internationally
International adoption seems very overwhelming to me! Every country is different, their rules can change at any given moment and the costs are very high.
Cost: $25,000 to 50,000
Pros:
- We get to leave for a year on our “adventure” but still come back a year later (best of both worlds)
- If we opt for a US adoption, it can go quickly (2 to 3 years)
Cons:
- We wouldn’t be able to do a home study until we get back to NB (adding at least a year to the wait time). From what I’ve read, agencies all require their own home study and interprovincial transfers are rare and complicated.
- Wait times are unpredictable and countries can suddenly stop all adoptions. Wait time could be anywhere from 3 to 5 years... but it’s really not clear.
- Choosing a country is daunting because of the rules and restrictions
- Limited access to medical records and medical history
- US adoption is faster, but is also the most expensive option
- Cost is SCARY!
Option # 4 - Stay put and adopt internationally
If we were to stay put and adopt interntionally, we would likely opt for a US adoption. We don't have the savings to do this now and would have to go into considerable debt to adopt. Debt is something we are both anxious about.
Cost: $25,000 to 50,000
Pros:
- Staying put
- We don't lose any time by moving away for a year
- We could simutaneously keep our name on the public adoption list
Cons:
- All the cons from option #3
- Having to resort to fundraising and major loans to pay for the adoption
We're still no closer to making a decision and definitely feel the pressure to make one. Every day that passes by is another day we aren't on a waiting list. I'm going to be 37 in two months. I've never felt old or worried about my age, but 37 is frightening The chances of having a child before I'm 40 are slim to none. Most people I know scowl at the thought of starting a family at 40! We'll be raising teenagers in our late fifties... definitely terrifying. My father was 44 when I was born and died when I was 17. My entire life I swore I wouldn't have kids that late in life because my father's illnesses and death, but here I am. :-(
