Things you wish you could say – the dating edition

One of my favourite websites often has a “things you wish you could say” discussion. For the most part it’s filled with work complaints, bitching about in-laws or matrimonial gripes. I think dating could use it’s own things you wish you could say, so here goes.

“I really like. Do you like me?” Sadly, this cannot be said because it sounds needy, desperate and may cause a boy to run.

“I want kids. If there is any chance you will not want kids, feel free to walk out the door now.” Again, this cannot be said because any guy will think you’re just looking for a Baby Daddy and will be out that door whether he wants kids one day or not.

“I have chronic depression. When I tell you this one day, will you freak out and bail?” Another thing you can’t say until you’re confident he really likes you. Of course, waiting means you’ll be investing in something that might end in disaster because you just never know what someone’s preconceived notions on the subject are.

“Where is this going?” Nope. Don’t even go there.

After I ended things with Mike, I told myself I would never again erase myself so I could be the person my partner wants me to be. However, I’m finding it so hard to be me, when I can’t say the things that are so important to me. Blarg. I know some of you are saying, don’t be ridiculous Changa! There is nothing wrong with being honest! What’s with the head games? Believe me. I’ve learned from my own mistakes that you just shouldn’t reveal too much of yourself too early. I used to be honest about exactly what I want out of life and it made a lot of little boys run away from the scary ol’ assertive lady. So now I wait. I wonder. I try not to forget who I am in the mean time.

Run Pacha Run!

I went running with Pacha today! It was such a gorgeous day, I couldn't resist. She actually did pretty well considering her legs are only about 8 inches long! We did run 2 minutes, walk 1 minute and only went out for about 10 minutes. She dragged behind for most of it and it was probably the slowest run in the history of running, but she did it! It was nice to be out for a run again.

Ring-a-ding-ding

I just realised I never posted about my new ring… although it’s a few months old now.

I’d been looking for a ring for a long time now... probably 3 to 4 years. I know this is going to sound silly, but I wanted something personal that would always remind me to never let go of my dreams and that I'm the only one who can make them come true. Like, not needing a man to "complete" me and therefore holding out for the right guy, going back to school, etc. I also wanted to have an inspirational phrase engraved inside.


I finally found it back in the Summer. It's called a Celtic Warrior Shield Ring and is meant for warrior/survivors which I think makes the ring even more symbolic. It was ordered from Ireland and took forever to get here! I also had it inscribed with the following Gaelic phrase: Anso táim sona, which means, Here I am happy.

Now I feel like She-Ra… or maybe it was He-Man… which one had the ring?

Anyway, I’m so happy to finally have it. Here are some pictures.





And the inscription:

Oh thank goodness!

I passed my killer exam from last Monday! I think I would have been more embarrassed and pissed off at myself if I hadn't passed that class! I've received 6 of my 7 scores back and so far my final results look like this:

Biology: C- (this was my killer exam)
Pathophysiology: B- (this is the course where 40% of the class is failing)
Holistic Approach to Nursing: B-
Introduction to the Foundations of Nursing: B+
Nursing and Wellness: B+
Lab/Clinical practice: B+
Therapeutic Communication: A+


Overall, I'm quite happy with my results. Especially given that I was doing my second year classes and the prerequisites at the same time!

La La La La La La

That is my song of joy! I’m all done my exams and now have two weeks off! Wheeee! My last three exams where pretty rough. The one on Sunday was supposed to be the toughest of all my exams, but it went quite well. 40% of the class is failing so the fact that going into the exam I had a B+ average is really good. I’m just greedy and am hoping to maintain at least a B in that class.

My exam on Monday was horrible! I simply ran out of time to prepare. I need to get a 33% to pass that class and I’m just hoping I made it. Pretty bad, huh? It was mostly multiple choice but with trick questions in which you needed to really understand the subject to pick the right answer. Ugh.

Yesterday I had my final exam and that didn’t go too well either. I came down with some wacky cold yesterday and was feeling miserable during the entire thing. I had so much trouble concentrating because of the head stuffiness and constant nose blowing. I was hoping to get an A in that class but I know I won’t make it. It’s ok, though. I did the best I could, given the miserable-ness I was feeling.

Last night I curled up on the couch with Pacha, lots of blankets, a hot cup of coco (spiked with Bailey’s) and the musical Mama Mia. Is there anything better than Abba to make you feel all cheering inside? Oddly enough, it’s like my cold has disappeared today! Wahooo!

I also got a sweet email from the boy yesterday (seriously! I need a nickname for this poor guy). We had gone out on Saturday but our date was cut short. We had talked a few times since then on the phone, but I’m just horrible with phone conversations! I swear, as soon as I have a phone next to my ear it’s like I forget how to form words! Anyway, I was feeling kinda blah over our mangled conversations so I sent him an email explaining how phones are my nemesis. He wrote back saying he understood and how happy he was I was done my exams and that he really hoped I would feel better soon (because of my cold) so he could see me. Awwww.

I don’t want to say it out loud... but if I write it down it doesn’t count... right? I really like this guy.

Friends for Pacha

I’ve adopted a few friends for Pacha: bunnies. So far they haven’t played much with her, but she has tried to play with them.



The dust bunny was on her nose when she came into the room, but made it’s way to her head after some scratching while I went to get my camera.

The end of exams can’t come soon enough because I really need to clean!

Holy Crap!

I’m in shock. Total. Complete. Shock. I wrote an exam yesterday, and it went quite well. Today, I went to check online to see if any of my results had been posted. I was surprised to see the results of yesterday’s exam already posted… I was even more shocked by the result: 100%

Jebus! I’m bloody brilliant!!

Almost Halfway

By supper time today I will have completed more than half my exams. That means four down and three to go. Unfortunately the really tough ones are the final three. At least I can say I only have five days of studying left.

In other news, I went out with the boy again last night. Hmmm... I think I need a covert name for him to use on my blog. Suggestions are welcome. :-) Anyway, we went for a walk in a local park after my exam. It was such a wonderful evening! We walked for about two hours while the snow was lightly falling... it was just gorgeous. We talked and talked and talked some more. Seriously. It’s like we couldn’t stop talking about everything and anything. After our walk we went to his place for nice cup of hot tea. It was just a nice end to a super relaxing evening.

Right after our walk he received a phone call and of course I had to ease-drop. It was one of his friends. After about a minute of chatting he ask if he could call him back later this week. I heard his friend say, Oh sorry, I didn’t know you were busy. To which he responded, no problem, I’m with Changa and don’t want to be rude. Alas, I didn’t hear his friend’s muffled response. Boo. However, I take it that his friend knows of my existence since he only had to say my name and not something like I can’t talk I’m out or I’m with someone or I’m on a date. This means he’s talked about me! Am I being silly if I’m excited about this?

We’re going out again tomorrow night.

Must not be giddy. Must not be giddy. Must not be giddy.

One Down. Six to Go.

Well, I just finished my first exam and it went extremely well! Wheeee! It was my lab exam and I was incredibly nervous because of what happened the last time (see post). The nurse evaluating me said: “It’s always such a treat to evaluate a student who is completely prepared”. :-) What a difference from last time!

Then count down is on: eight days left.

**And just for the fun of it - a picture of Pacha who decided my pile of dirty laundry was an excellent spot for an afternoon nap.**

Long Live the Queen of Gossip

Have I ever mentioned how my Mom knows everything and everyone? Well, she does. She knows more gossip about people I know than I do.

Anyway, I hadn’t told my Mom about the new guy. I just find it easier not to mention anything because she gets all excited and then it ends up being just one date. So last night she called me up and invited me over for supper. I told her I had plans. When she asked with who, I told her a friend to which she replied, ohhhh? (insert big smile) Of course, she called tonight under the pretence of inquiring about my day at work and then adds, well… if there isn’t anything else you would like to tell me… *sigh* Fine. Yes Mom, I had a date. Oh really? What’s his name? Where is he from? I tell her his name and where he grew up (nothing more, might I add) and she pauses. Wait a minute… does he have a son? He does. I cringe wondering just how she knows this. Do you know who his parents are, she exclaims excited. At this point I’m thinking: Oh God! Oh God! What does she know? Well, it turns out I’m dating my Mom’s massage therapist’s son. The first words out of my mouth were: Don’t. Say. Anything.

She’s all excited because “they are such a good family” and then proceeded to ramble on a bunch of information I already knew. Did you know he lives a few streets from you? Did you know he recently went back to school? Did you know he too was engaged but broke if off? Yes. Yes. And yes Mom. I can hear the giddiness in her voice. Great. There’s no turning back now.

I soooo hope she can keep her mouth shut!

Sealed with a Kiss

Four dates in and I finally got a kiss! I think that’s a good sign, right? I mean, if he kissed me, it must mean he’s interested. He is so hard to read!

We went out for supper and then rented a few movies. We ended up sharing a bottle of wine and having two martinis each at my place! Yet, it still took until the moment he was leaving before we kissed. Anyway, when we were at the door, I was determined not to let him leave without a kiss. I was sure I was going to have to put the moves on, but he is the one who leaned in first. Then he added, I’ve been wanting to do that all evening. :-)

I really hope he’s interested… I hate setting myself up for disapointement.

Retrospective

It appears I’ve been studying my brother’s medical history this semester. In one of my classes called Soins de l’adulte (which essentially deals with disease management), we’ve focused, among others, on diabetes, renal failure and heart failure; all things that affected my brother. During my last class earlier this week, I couldn’t help but think how much I would love to get my hands on my brother’s medical records. I understand so much more about his diseases now and would love to see what was documented in his files. I realise that will never happen now that he has passed away, but I think it would be wonderful to get a better understanding of what he went through. I mean this not only from a nursing perspective, but also from a personal perspective. I’ve come to realise that I truly didn’t understand him or just how much his illness affected his personal life.

Sometimes, during class, I go over scenes from my past and think about what I know now versus then. I can see now why certain actions where taken and just how many times I was lied to or when medical staff did things that weren’t appropriate. None of them were major, but I still find it so fascinated just how naive I was. I wonder how things might have been different had I been a nurse when my dad or brother were dying.

When my father was diagnosed with a second bout of cancer 15 years ago, I had no information whatsoever. No one ever told me the extent of his disease and up until the last few weeks, I didn’t even realize he was dying. I know this wasn’t the staff’s fault in any way, but rather my dad (and maybe my mom) simply omitting details to protect their children. After going through hundreds of oncology files during my work this summer, I know there is no way my father didn’t know he was dying. Whether my Mom knew or not is uncertain. When my father was transferred to palliative care, I was told it was because there was no other bed available in the hospital. I believed them. Now that I realized there is generally a waiting list to get into palliative care, I feel like such a fool. He didn’t go there because there weren’t any beds… he went there to die.

I wonder if my experiences will have an impact on my work as a nurse?

Anyway, classes are done for the semester and will soon be starting my finals. Twelve days to go and I’ll be done my first semester in nursing! Crazy how time flies.