Can someone hit the fast forward button?

Today is one of those days I just want to fast forward through the next six months. As much as I try to be positive and in control and happy and all that crap... today I just want to scream! I want to be in my own house where I don’t have to justify every God damn action. I want to be able to go out without having to tell anyone where I’m going. I want to type away in my room without having someone comment on the speed of my typing… yes I’m serious. Apparently I type fast according to my Mom. Good Lord Woman! Give me my space!



I want to do things that are right for me and not have to worry about how someone is going to feel about it or whether I hurt their feelings or not. I want to be me and not have to worry that I told some potential date too much, too soon or not enough or the wrong thing. I want to skip over all these effing bad dates and go directly to where I am supposed to be.

Today, I don’t want to be the responsible sister. I don’t want to listen to everyone else’s stress. I can’t solve your problems. I can’t make it better so just go deal with your own shit while I mumble and complain to the online world in my room.

Yes. Can someone PLEASE hit the fast forward button.

From 5 to 27!

In my last Running Clinic had five participants (well, six actually but one never showed up). I started a new clinic a little over a week ago and I now have 27 participants! Wheeeee! I absolutely adored my last group and will miss them dearly. Since it was such a small group we became quite close. I really hope I’ll be able to get to know my entire new group as well. It’s such a huge jump in participants, but it’s also so much fun to have all these people excited to run. My sister Christine has joined me as a group leader and I think my friend Michelle will be helping out as well. I’m so happy they are able to share in this wonderful experience with me.

I’ve also initiated a virtual clinic on my favourite forum. I have 15 participants for my virtual clinic. I’m really looking forward to seeing their progress, as I’ve known many of these girls for some time. I’m so proud of them for signing up! I really hope I can deliver.

It’s back to breakfast invitations

While in a recent relationship, I realized that when you are part of a “couple”, other couples invite you out for dinner. However, when you are single you only get invited out for breakfast… or the occasional drink because apparently single girls like to drink.

So I’m back to breakfast only as the boy and I broke-up this afternoon. It was pretty much decision, but it was such a hard one to make. How do you leave someone who is wonderful… but that you just don’t feel like it will work out in the grand scheme of things? It’s not easy and it still hurts. I just hope he is ok. I feel like he’s going to hate me and so is his family – but I had to do what I felt was right. Prolonging the inevitable wouldn’t have helped anyone.

I can't even think of a good title

I'm not even sure I should be posting this. Is it an invasion of my brother's privacy that I use my online world to work through my personal grief? I don't know. What I do know, is that it's been a difficult week on the family front and blogging is my outlet.

Yesterday I spent the day at a Saint John hospital (with my Mom and sister) while they did tests on his heart. The news isn’t good. There was a possibility they would do a triple by-pass, but after trying to open up his arteries with “balloons” they realized there was nothing they could do for his heart as a) he has more damage than expected and b) because of his diabetes, his veins are quite damaged and couldn’t be used in a by-pass. This means he is not eligible for a kidney transplant – not even from a live donor. Even if I were a match, they couldn’t give him my kidney.

As the cardiologists and cardio-thoracic surgeons talked to us, it was clear my brother didn’t want to know what this all meant. His way of dealing with things is simply not asking questions. If he doesn’t know about it, it doesn’t exist. I talked to the surgeon after, as I needed to know more. From what I understand, he is in advance stage cardiac failure (I think he used another word, but it’s a bit of a blur). He is in kidney failure and will not be eligible to receive a kidney, which means a lifetime of dialysis. The nerve endings to his heart are damaged so if he were to have another heart attack he would have no warning… and would simply die. He will most likely die from heart complications.

When his time comes, chances are we will be saying he died of complications from diabetes. This thought alone makes my run in Hawaii even more meaningful… I just never thought it would be THIS meaningful. I hate that people don’t know just how devastating diabetes can be.

I feel horrible, but all I keep thinking is – is my Mom going to be able to survive this? Am I going to be loosing my brother AND my mother? And if he is to die… please let be in a hospital… please don’t let my mother or his 9 year old daughter or any of us for that matter find him dead in his apartment. I feel so selfish.

Running the Stress Away

They say that running helps with stress management. Well, the way my life has been going these days, I’ll have to run a marathon to get rid of all my stress.

As many of you know, my brother has been in the hospital for the last three weeks (or has it been four... I've lost count). Things weren’t great about two weeks ago when he was admitted to the cardiac intensive care unit. It’s his heart – it’s weak. Apparently it’s common for dialysis patients and diabetics to have heart problems. He’s out of intensive care now, but is being transferred to Saint John this afternoon for tests on his heart. We don’t know what happens next. They could do surgery, they could give him medication, or they could send him back to Moncton because there is nothing that can be done. Who knows?

My Mom is heading to Saint John this afternoon with a friend so she can be with him. I’m on stand-by for the time being. I’m waiting to see what happens next. I don’t want to go to Saint John and they end up not doing anything for a week. I’m trying to use my compassionate days as wisely as possible, you know? Hopefully I’ll know more tonight and can make a decision as to whether to go to Saint John now or wait.

Other than my brother, I also have two sisters. I’m the youngest. My sister Christine has always been the “responsible” one in the family. She is always the one everyone can count on when things get rough. Well, she’s dealing with a ton of other stressful situations lately so I’m attempting to take over. Beside’s, even if she didn’t have a whole bunch of stuff to deal with it’s probably about time I step up anyway! The girl can only take so much! I’ve got some big shoes to fill, so for now, I’m going to attempt to be cool, calm and collected for my family. I CAN do this!

Disclaimer: I hate saying that I’M stressed because the truth is; it’s my brother who is going through all this crap. Sure, I can be worried about him, but he’s the one who’s in a really difficult situation and he’s the one who deserves your prayers, encouragement and positives vibes - not me.

Ouch.

I’ve finally realise the usefulness the Stress/Rest technique encouraged by the Running Room. Basically, Stress/Rest means you push your body one day and then rest or do a lighter work-out the next day. For instance, Sundays are usually my LSD (Long slow distance) day where I run a long distance at a slower pace. This is considered a stress day because of the distance covered. Mondays are generally supposed to by a day off – rest day. Wednesdays are often hill training days (stress) while Thursdays are usually reserved for a short and slow steady run (rest).

Since I’ve been teaching a clinic on Mondays, my stress/rest days have been pretty screwed up. The last weekend wasn’t an exception! I did my LSD run on Saturday instead of the usual Sunday. The 14 km route was the longest distance I’ve run since December so it was definitely a stress day. Yesterday I did a 5 km race with my clinic group. Normally 5 km isn’t a big stress on my body, but on race day, you tend to push your body to the limit – which is what I did. Today, all my muscles are aching. Even my neck and head hurt. The worst of it is, I’m supposed to run again tonight! I’m looking forward to resting my body for a couple of days before my new clinic starts on Thursday.

My girls made it!

Tomorrow will be the last day of the Learn to Run clinic I’m teaching and I couldn’t be prouder of my students. This morning they ran their first 5 km race! They did beautifully – coming in at 35 minutes. I did the entire run with them and I was like a proud mamma. I gave them each a little “charm” as a medal for completing the race. They were so happy and proud of themselves; it was wonderful to see.

Next Thursday I start my new clinic with a new bunch of beginners – I can’t wait!