I can't even think of a good title

I'm not even sure I should be posting this. Is it an invasion of my brother's privacy that I use my online world to work through my personal grief? I don't know. What I do know, is that it's been a difficult week on the family front and blogging is my outlet.

Yesterday I spent the day at a Saint John hospital (with my Mom and sister) while they did tests on his heart. The news isn’t good. There was a possibility they would do a triple by-pass, but after trying to open up his arteries with “balloons” they realized there was nothing they could do for his heart as a) he has more damage than expected and b) because of his diabetes, his veins are quite damaged and couldn’t be used in a by-pass. This means he is not eligible for a kidney transplant – not even from a live donor. Even if I were a match, they couldn’t give him my kidney.

As the cardiologists and cardio-thoracic surgeons talked to us, it was clear my brother didn’t want to know what this all meant. His way of dealing with things is simply not asking questions. If he doesn’t know about it, it doesn’t exist. I talked to the surgeon after, as I needed to know more. From what I understand, he is in advance stage cardiac failure (I think he used another word, but it’s a bit of a blur). He is in kidney failure and will not be eligible to receive a kidney, which means a lifetime of dialysis. The nerve endings to his heart are damaged so if he were to have another heart attack he would have no warning… and would simply die. He will most likely die from heart complications.

When his time comes, chances are we will be saying he died of complications from diabetes. This thought alone makes my run in Hawaii even more meaningful… I just never thought it would be THIS meaningful. I hate that people don’t know just how devastating diabetes can be.

I feel horrible, but all I keep thinking is – is my Mom going to be able to survive this? Am I going to be loosing my brother AND my mother? And if he is to die… please let be in a hospital… please don’t let my mother or his 9 year old daughter or any of us for that matter find him dead in his apartment. I feel so selfish.