Irrational thoughts

I love my house. I really do. I’ve never had doubts that my purchase wasn’t the best decision ever. So why do I feel all weird about my house suddenly?

My house is quite old and it shows… but that’s what gives it character, right? Last night I had a potential roommate come visit the room I have for rent. For once it was someone who seemed normal. It was a young student who came to visit with her Mom. As I’m walking up the stairs to show her the room after touring the main level, I hear the Mom whisper to the daughter, “the floors are really crooked… do you really want to live in a crooked house?” The daughter doesn’t answer. I suddenly feel self-conscious about my crooked floors. :-( It’s not like it can’t be fixed, but leveling the house would make everything shift and the plaster on the walls crack. So until I’m ready to redo all the floors and re-plaster and paint all the walls, my floors will remain crooked. Besides, it makes walking in the house while drunk so much easier.

Today, the comment has been echoing in my head. It’s not the first comment of this kind I’ve heard. My Mom, for instance, hated the house when she first walked in. She felt I had made a horrible decision and should never have bought the place. According to her, I should have bought a brand new house. Ummm… yeah… cause a student can totally afford a brand new house. Even if I were still working I wouldn’t have been able to afford a new house. After I told her I was returning to school she said, “oh, now I understand why you bought THAT house”. Other comments I’ve heard from friends:
“On old house is ok for you I guess… but I didn’t want something used”
“You can tell the floors were done in a rush. They weren’t done very well”
“Hey, it’s your first house – it’s not supposed to be nice”

Ugh. Most people don’t realize how hard it is to purchase a house on a single salary. Money aside, this house is completely adorable!

Last week I saw my ex’s parents and I was so proud of myself for chatting with them without feeling my usual rush of anger that almost always comes with any conversation surrounding the ex. Now I’m reflecting on the conversation again. I’m remembering how I told them my house was about 70 years old to which his mother said, “yes, well it’s too bad you couldn’t afford something new”. At the time I was slightly irritated, but brushed it off. Today I’m feeling all twitchy about the comment. You see, I never measured up to their (or their son’s) level of class. This isn’t a rich family by any means! They are exactly the same middle-class family I grew up in, but they always wanted to be all showy about their possessions. While I was with my ex his parents commented on my car (it was a 1995 Honda Civic… this would have been 2002) and how I really should purchase a new one. Ummm… maybe I could afford a new one if I wasn’t supporting your son! They also commented on our first apartment, which was a small reasonably priced one bedroom apartment. They said it was a “dump”. It was NOT a dump by any stretch of the imagination. It was really sweet and super clean! Anyway, we eventually moved to a really nice, huge, pricey apartment downtown. Of course, they (and my ex) loved it. I was still the sole bread-winner and because of that stupid apartment I got myself into much debt. It angers me when I think about that stupid mistake. I remember crying to my sister before getting the place because I was worried about the rent (it was almost three times the price of our first place)… but my ex absolutely wanted it and I folded.

So all of these thoughts make me wonder… am I cheap? I don’t like debt and refuse to buy “stuff” to keep up with the Jones. I’m a student, I own a house and other than good debt such as my student loan and mortgage I am virtually debt-free. Plus, if everything goes as planned I will graduate with only my tuition to pay off. How many people can say that? So why am I worried that my house is not up to snuff?