Brain in overdrive

Research indicates you shouldn't make any unnecessary, life-altering decision in moments of high stress, depression or grief... like decide to change careers a few weeks after your brother passes-away... or buy a dog... or start mentally remodelling the house you have yet to close on... or get engaged. Ok, the last one was added in because I was running out of examples.

It seems like the last few weeks have been a flurry of thoughts on how I should change my life. It started out a few days after my brother passed-away when I thought; why wait until the spring to get a dog? Get a dog now! Yeah, I'm not even in my house yet. I started reading up on dogs and practically have mine picked out. Then I moved on to remodelling the house that is not yet mine. Initially I was tearing down the porch, rebuilding it, repainting the entire house and having the siding redone. Now I seemed to have moved on to installing floors! Of course, in my mind, I'm doing this all myself. And this week it's all about career change. That's it! I'm going back to school... with my dog and while I'm paying a mortgage and remodelling my house.

Hmmm... do you think I take on stuff to avoid reality much?

The school/career thing has been weighing on me for years now and it just keeps coming back. It sucks. Way back in the day as a young University student I started out studying biology. That didn't last long because I couldn't see myself as a "biologist". At the time, I needed to see the end result (ok, I still do). I needed a goal to thrive for and all I could see at the end of the line was a career in research. I knew I loved biology, anatomy and physiology, but couldn't make the link between the science and the real world. Today I realise that it was the University format that wasn't right for me at the time. It wasn't precise enough for my liking. So I headed to college... in communications. Wah? Communications? I don't see the link. Yeah, there wasn't a link. I was creative, liked writing and figured it would be a "fun" career. I mean, Samantha from Sex in the City seemed to have an awesome career, right? Sadly, I didn't see that I could have still gone to college in a biology/health related field, but I really thought I had to do a complete 180.

After years of floating along in communications, advertising, marketing and PR I've become the person who hates writing in a work context, hates dealing with media, gets stressed out when I have to be creative on demand and takes it personally when people criticize my ideas. Most days, I wonder if the field is really for me. One of the things I hate most is the ambiguity of it. Everyone thinks they can do marketing and everyone has an opinion. If I choose to use the word confidence in a document and a sales person comes back to me after the piece is published to let me know that he would have preferred to see the word poise and later a product specialist indicates to me he would have liked to see the word assurance... what is my argument for using the word confidence if all three words would grammatically fit in the context? It's not like I'm saying 1+1=2 and someone comes back to me and says, yeah, I think you should have used 6 instead of 2. Umm, no. 1+1 does not equal 6! Ugh.

So the career change desire comes back every couple of years. The first time I contemplated a career change was back in 2001, just before I got the job offer from Congrès mondial acadien 2004. I wanted to go back to school - wanted a career change. Then the job offer came and it looked to good to refuse! I don't regret taking that job, but I definitely DON'T want to take on that kind of project ever again. The next time a career change was suggested was near the end of Congrès. I still clearly remember New Year's Eve 2003. Mike and I are at a small gathering at a friend's house. We're sitting in the kitchen eating a super yummy dip and talking about life when I mention that, now that Mike has finished his Master's degree, it's finally MY TURN to go back to school. After 4 years of being there for him financially while he studied I was finally going to get my chance. I talked about my interest in physiotherapy and the health industry. However... the next day I left him. Oops. I was on my own and it really wasn't the time to make a career change. I figured I'd give this communication thing one last try... and that's when I ended up at Sobeys. Now I blame Sobeys! I LOVED my job at Sobeys! I really thought, finally; confirmation that I am in the right career. I think it might have been an illusion as the people I worked with were so amazing... I'm not sure if I had moved to another department if the feeling had persisted.

So that brings me to today and my longing to do something more meaningful - something that makes me passionate. So far I've figured a few things out about myself: I'm fascinated by the medical/health field, I need a job that sees results... I just can't work on something for three years before I see the fruits of my labour – even in catering I feel satisfied after nicely placing a table setting… I haven’t done anything incredible, but I enjoy the sense of satisfaction it brings, I need a structured environment without too much ambiguity, I'm a big rule abider (I'm the person who would never do anything without first reading the instructions), I work well with people when they come to me for help or if my role with them is already defined... if I have to go to them to "sell" them an idea or product or even request a service from them I get stressed out, I tend to be the mediator in meetings, I’m surprised (and maybe a little embarrassed) to say, I like repetition – I can’t say I could do the same thing all my life, but there is a certain enjoyment that comes with doing something that is clearly defined and the outcome is always the same, finally, I love using my creativity... but on my own terms. So where does that lead me?

I just can't see how it is fathomable to take 5 to 6 years to become a physiotherapist or even 4 years to become a dietician... I've looked into two or three year programs at colleges (radiology, respiratory therapy), but even that seems impossible to do with a mortgage! I feel like I've come too far financially to give it all up! I also want it all: the house, the dog, the career... maybe I'm just asking for too much.

Ahhh so much to ponder. One thing is clear... right now is not the best time to be making any big decisions.