Time to Retire

I think everyone who reads this blog already knows that we have started the process to adopt a child from the Democratic Republic of Congo. If you didn’t already know... where the heck have you been!?! With this new chapter in our life taking the front seat, I have decided to retire this blog. I’ve had this blog for almost 6 years now! It’s amazing to think that when I started Square Peg Chronicles, I was single, had just moved back with my Mom and was a marketing specialist. Now I’m married, a registered nurse and adopting a child from across the world! Life is amazing, huh?

That being said, I really hope you will follow my new blog at www.theredstringproject.weebly.com. There, you can find out more about our adoption journey and you can link to our Etsy store. I really hope you’ll join me on this new adventure – you’ve all been so supportive over the years!

Decisions, decisions.

It's official. We will never have our own biological children. After another failed round of IVF, it has become clear that we have run out of options. I posted a message about this on facebook. The feedback I received from friends and family was beautiful and comforting. However, it’s been a week since then and now I feel so alone. Of course, I have Mr. Perfect, but the fact is, I’m all alone in my head. I have all these thoughts and ideas swirling in my mind and it just won’t stop. We have so many choices and decisions to make regarding adoption that I can’t seem to be able to keep it all straight. I feel this overwhelming pressure to pick a path and to stick with it... but what if we pick the wrong path and end up waiting longer for a child? We’ve also been considering a pretty significant move for a while now. We really want to leave for a year and go on some kind of adventure. We are also hoping this adventure might offer us a chance to make some extra money for adoption. Currently, we are seriously considering moving to Calgary. I’m almost guaranteed a job in nursing and Mr. Perfect’s skill set is in high demand. So this is what we are looking at:

Option #1 – Stay put and wait for public adoption
Currently we are on the waiting list to do our PRIDE training. The wait time is 1 to 2 years. Once we’ve done our PRIDE training we have our home study done and once approved move to the official waiting list. Once we’re on the list the wait time can be another 1 to 3 years. Since we would like a sibling group and are open to children up to the age of 10, the expected wait is probably about 3 years. We’ve been waiting for our PRIDE training for 6 months.
Cost: Free
Pros:

• It’s free!
• We will more than likely get a sibling group and we would really love to have more than one child
• We stay in put
• Access to medical records and medical history

Cons:

• The wait time is unpredictable. They say about 3 years, but we’ve heard of couples who have requirements similar to ours and they’ve been waiting 4 years... and are still waiting
• We stay put
• We will not get a child younger than 2 years old
• All children are considered special needs because they have lived through some sort of trauma.

Option #2 – Move to Calgary and opt for private domestic adoption
Moving to Calgary would give us access to adoption agencies. Just reading about all the work the agencies do for you makes me feel more relaxed. I wish we would have these kinds of services locally! With private adoption (which is almost non-existent in NB), you get matched with birthmothers looking to give their child up for adoption. Wait time is approximately 2 years, but we’ve been told to prepare for 3 years.
Cost: approximately $12,000
Pros:

• The child placed with us will more than likely be younger than 2 years old
• Cost is significantly less than international adoption
• We get to move to Calgary, which is like an adventure
• Wait time feels less scary
• Access to medical records and medical history
• Domestic adoption doesn’t seem as scary complicated as international adoption
• We could potentially make more money in Alberta

Cons:

• We can’t start the process until we actually move to Calgary (something we hope to do in the spring)
• If we do start this process in Alberta, we need to stay in Alberta until 12 months after a child is placed with us... which could be up to 4 years!
• I’d miss my family horribly!
• Career wise, I would lose my seniority each time I move. My salary would reflect my experience, but I would be on the bottom of the list for choosing my vacation and would be last in line for promotions.
• Real estate is extremely high in Calgary which could mean living in an apartment our entire time there.

Option # 3 – Move to Calgary for a year, hope to make money and come back to adopt internationally
International adoption seems very overwhelming to me! Every country is different, their rules can change at any given moment and the costs are very high.
Cost: $25,000 to 50,000
Pros:

• We get to leave for a year on our “adventure” but still come back a year later (best of both worlds)
• If we opt for a US adoption, it can go quickly (2 to 3 years)

Cons:

• We wouldn’t be able to do a home study until we get back to NB (adding at least a year to the wait time). From what I’ve read, agencies all require their own home study and interprovincial transfers are rare and complicated.
• Wait times are unpredictable and countries can suddenly stop all adoptions. Wait time could be anywhere from 3 to 5 years... but it’s really not clear.
• Choosing a country is daunting because of the rules and restrictions
• Limited access to medical records and medical history
• US adoption is faster, but is also the most expensive option
• Cost is SCARY!

Option # 4 - Stay put and adopt internationally

If we were to stay put and adopt interntionally, we would likely opt for a US adoption. We don't have the savings to do this now and would have to go into considerable debt to adopt. Debt is something we are both anxious about.

Cost: $25,000 to 50,000

Pros:

• Staying put
• We don't lose any time by moving away for a year
• We could simutaneously keep our name on the public adoption list

Cons:

• All the cons from option #3
• Having to resort to fundraising and major loans to pay for the adoption

We're still no closer to making a decision and definitely feel the pressure to make one. Every day that passes by is another day we aren't on a waiting list. I'm going to be 37 in two months. I've never felt old or worried about my age, but 37 is frightening The chances of having a child before I'm 40 are slim to none. Most people I know scowl at the thought of starting a family at 40! We'll be raising teenagers in our late fifties... definitely terrifying. My father was 44 when I was born and died when I was 17. My entire life I swore I wouldn't have kids that late in life because my father's illnesses and death, but here I am. :-(

Deja Vu

I’ve been writing this post in my head for over a week. Somehow I just couldn’t bring myself to write it... almost like if I don’t say anything it’s not really real. We are currently in the middle of our second and last IVF cycle. As you might remember, we were told our chances of IVF working were greatly diminished because of my low ovarian reserve and the only chance we had was to do their most aggressive protocol. So here we are... cycle day 8 of the new aggressive protocol.

I started injections a week ago with a small dose of Suprefact twice a day (0,04ml). Then on Thursday I started stimulation injections with Menopur (3 bottles), in addition to evening shots of Saizen (human growth hormone). My daily baby-making routine involves taking 13 pills and 5 injections using 11 different bottles!

It feels very different then the last time. It fact, it doesn’t feel like it’s really happening. The first round was all excitement and hope while this one is uneasiness and fear. Knowing this is our last chance to have a biological child is a very daunting. Other than the new protocol, I am doing a few things differently. For one, we aren’t really talking about it as much as last time. Close friends know we are currently doing a cycle, as well as my sister and Mr. Perfect’s family, but I haven’t talked about it at work, or to my mother. The last time was just such a crushing disappointment that I don’t feel like going through it publicly again. The other thing I’m doing differently is taking time off. Last time I took 2 days off and that was it. This time I’m taking 3 weeks! It’s weird not working while you are actually feeling fine. Until the egg retrieval, there is no physical reason I shouldn’t work, so it’s just weird. My doctors and medical team were very insistent that I take some time off because of my work related stress and to put all chances on our side.

That being said, I’m not responding as expected once again. On cycle day 6, my E2 level was at 94 when last time it was at 124. It should be at 200 or 300 by then. Today we got a new shocker... I have ZERO eggs maturing and my E2 level has actually gone down. It’s devastating news. Our doctor’s suggestion is to cancel the cycle. I can’t believe this is it... we will never have a biological child. My brain can’t even process it right now.

Just Type.

It feels like I’ve forgotten how to type... it’s been that long since I’ve updated! I have no excuse other than having a hard time articulating what is going on in my life. So what has been going on in the last two months?

•           Our house still hasn’t sold and we’ve only had 1 offer which fell through at the last minute. Our realtor says there is nothing wrong with the house it’s just the current market. It still sucks
•           We put a conditional offer on a new house, but we need to sell ours first. So far the new place is still available and we’re hoping it stays that way until we can sell ours
•           Work has been grueling with overtime almost every shift. :-( I’ve been in oncology 7 months now and have finally found my groove. However, half the department is pregnant or on mat leave which practically makes me “senior staff” and with it comes more responsibility. It’s really a sink or swim kind of department and right now I’m treading water with my head just barely above the waterline. There’s a new job in pediatrics, but it scares me to apply... as silly as it might seem, I feel like I haven’t learned enough in oncology to go back. Plus, I’ve just completed my training to administer chemotherapy and I feel like I “owe” them.
•          We’re tentatively planning another round of IVF in the Fall, but nothing feels certain.
•           Mr Perfect is trying to sell his Mustang as well, but it has been up for sale for 4 months and nothing.
•           We were at the vet 4 times in less than 3 weeks with Bentley. Once he swallowed a bee and scared us half to death, while the other 3 times were for a badly cut paw. He had to be sedated twice and had lots of stitches. Thank goodness it is finally healing
•          I feel very ho hum about life these days. It just feels like so much crappy stuff is going on and I just want a little break. I see pregnancies all around me and now it seems people who started trying when we started are on their second pregnancy and it’s just not fair! Why can’t it work for us? Why must we constantly go through all these hurdles? Am I just being negative? I just wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel, you know?

I’ll end things on a happier note. Even though I feel like everything is doom and gloom these days, we have had a beautiful summer and have tried lots a new activities. So far this summer we’ve been canoeing, horseback riding, yardsaling, hiking and had a 2 day vacation to the island with the dogs. All in all, we have tried to make the best of things.

The Second Chapter

It’s been a little over two months since my last post and I’m not even sure where to start. The last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster of ups and downs. The last time I posted was the day we found out the IVF didn’t work. I can say we definitely have been dealing with it very well, but other challenges have since presented themselves.

We had our follow-up appointment at the clinic a few weeks ago and it wasn’t great. Turns out my husband isn’t the only one with issues. Apparently I’ve got the ovaries of a pre-menopausal 45 year old. The doctor has a new protocol to suggest, but he says that even with the max amount of drugs he doubts we’ll get more than 4 or 5 eggs (we had 4 last time). He says our odds of conceiving with a new cycle is about 25% (last time it was 40 - 50%). We enquired about embryo donation but it’s next to impossible in Canada. Now we have to decide what to do next. If money was limitless we would do a new cycle, but we need to be smart about our money because international adoption is crazy expensive.

We’ve been on the “adoption train” since our last failed cycle and wow is it depressing and overwhelming. We attended a training/information session in April for international adoption and it really opened our eyes on the challenges we will have. First of all, a whole bunch of countries are closed to us because Mr Perfect has had a divorce. Seriously? Ugh. The only country which might be an option is the most expensive one: the US. Blarg. As for local public adoption, we’ve also hit some roadblocks. Since we speak French at home, we can only have French children placed with us and of course, the pool of francophones is limited. :-( When we attended the international adoption info session we met couples who had been waiting 3 to 4 years for public adoption. We thought that our chances where better since we are willing to accept sibling groups and children up to 10 years old, but other couples were willing to accept the same. :-(

We’ve since attended an info session for public adoption as well. Turns out we are on the waiting list to BE on the waiting list. Ugh. We actually haven’t even applied for adoption yet. We have to wait to take our PRIDE course and only then can we actually apply for adoption. Getting the pride course can take years and then the actual adoption process can take another couple of years on top of that. It’s depressing. Mr Perfect was encouraged by the session, but I can’t get over the long wait to meet our children.

We went to see a psychologist last month since we had a free session included in our last cycle and we thought we should take advantage of it. The positive thing that came out was that we are in good shape emotionally. Honestly, we probably didn’t need the session, but it was good to bounce back some of our thoughts with him. We are both on the same page and are willing to go to great lengths to have a child. The psychologist also made us realise how the need to have a child has been weighing on us. Even though we've been trying for less than 2 years, we have both been on a quest to have children long before we met. So in reality, we've both been waiting for this child for a good 6 to 8 years... even if we've only been together for 3 years. That really struck a cord for me.... the realisation that this has been weighing on us for a very long time. He also pointed out that we need to accept that we might never have children and have to start living our lives as a couple without kids. Of course, we aren’t there yet and still have a lot of routes we want to try, but we do need stop putting all our focus on one day having a child and start living for today. I mean, we need an identity outside of “potential parents”. We can’t put all our self-worth into being parents because that’s an awful lot to ask of a child.

That brought us to the decision to sell our house. We have been putting it off for a year now because we might get pregnant, we might have to do another round of IVF, we might have to adopt and all this time we’ve been putting our life on hold. So after 6 weeks of grueling work on the house, it is now on the market! YAY! We have found some potential homes and hope to put an offer soon. I’m exited to start the next phase of our lives. :-)

As for doing another round of IVF, we’re still on the fence with that. I want to do another round because I feel I will always regret not doing one more if we don’t. I also feel that between his dazed and confused sperm and my old lady ovaries, it would be best to do it sooner, rather than later. I also feel incredibly strongly that I’m meant to be pregnant. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking, but I can’t help believing that we are meant to have children. I guess the thought of never carrying a child is something I need to grieve and I’m just not there yet. I just feel so strongly that I’m meant to do another cycle…. Let’s just hope I’m not just in denial about our situation. :-(

For now, we will see what happens with the house and then decide what our next steps will be. Cross your fingers for a quick and lucrative sell!

Someone get me a drink STAT!

It's official - we aren't pregnant. :-(

Time to regroup and figure out our next step. We have a follow-up appointment on May 25 to see what they think went wrong and to figure out if another cycle would be worth doing. I hate having to wait 2 months to find out what went wrong. :-(

We aren't done yet. We WILL have children...  we just have to go through some more hoops to get there. It just feels like way more hoops then anyone should have to go through.

In the meatime, we are proceeding with the adoption process. We were already on the public adoption wiating list for a newborn (a 9 year wait list), but are now completing the paper work for a public adoption of an older child or a sibling group. We've also started to work on international adoption. We might still do a second cycle, but since the first was such a craptastic failure we aren't sure it's worth trying again.

Thanks for all your support. I'm actually doing really well. I've known (in my heart) for over a week that it didn't take. I could just feel it. I haven't even cried today... I'm just so ready to move on.

Moving On

We still have 6 days until we find out whether I’m pregnant or not, but we’re both feeling very strongly that it didn’t work. It’s not that we are pessimists, but we know the reality of transferring grade 3, 5-cell embryos and the odds of it succeeding aren’t very good. I think we both started grieving when we found out the other 2 embryos didn’t make it. Reality set in and we stopped believing in miracles. People around us are all “don’t stop believing”, “Stay positive, it’ll work”, “It’s not over until it’ over”… but I don’t think we have it in us to start believing again. Having hope means setting ourselves up for a crushing disappointment. I just know I can’t bring myself up again just to fall back down.

In the meantime, we’ve been looking forward to all the things we’ll be able to do when we find out I’m not pregnant: drink alcohol, diet coke and coffee, have sex and smoke cigarettes! Sure, we don’t really smoke anymore, but at least we could if we wanted too! Of course, Mr Perfect can do all those things right now, but he can’t really enjoy it with me glaring at him. Hah!

So now we’re looking at our options. Do we drop another dime on a cycle or do we bow out and move on to adoption?  Of course, it all depends on what the clinic tells us. Why it didn’t work, what they think are our odds of having a second cycle work. That being said, it will still remain a big maybe. Dishing out more money on a “maybe” sounds depressing. That’s why we are seriously exploring adoption. We are already on the waiting list for an infant, but the wait is 8 to 9 years. So now we are moving on to international adoption and adopting an older child or a sibling group in our province. It’s a little overwhelming of course… we’ve been told over and over again how “damaged” these kids are. :-( But maybe that’s what we’re meant to do? Maybe we are supposed to adopt a child in need? When I found out I was being transferred from paediatrics to oncology (and was being all pouty about it), one of my friends said: “maybe it’s not about you or what you want Changa… maybe you are going to oncology because there are families who can truly use the care and guidance of a wonderful nurse.” This really struck a chord with me.  So maybe we can’t have kids on our own because our child is out there waiting… maybe this child has been waiting for us as long as we have been waiting for her/him? 

No Risk of Freezer Burn

I’m finally feeling better almost a week after the egg retrieval! I don’t think it was normal to feel THAT horrible for THAT long! I’m just glad I finally feel human again. The clinic just called to let us know the other two embryos didn’t make it and we have nothing to freeze. No surprise there, really. I can’t say I’m disappointed as I had already grieved the loss earlier this week.

Other than that it’s same old, same old around these parts.

First Baby Pictures?

Well, I'm PUPO: pregnant until proven otherwise! We found out when we got to the clinic that the embryos didn't progress as much as they should have, but they did the transfer anyway. We transfered two 5-cell embryos. The doctor said they were graded as level 3 and level 1 is ideal. :-( As for the other two they will keep them growing another two days and see what happens, but the nurse said we probably wouldn't have anything to freeze as they are even lower grade. Anyway, here's a picture of our babies :-)

I'm feeling sad, but also happy it's over and done with. I'm trying to stay positive because every time things seemed doom and gloom these little guys kept fighting. Let's hope they're here for the long haul.

Divide and Conquer

Yesterday morning we got our daily fertility report and we found out that all 4 eggs had been fertilised! This is amazing news! The reason why you want lots of eggs is because you lose so many at every stage of the process. Having all the eggs retrieved fertilised is awesome! Today’s fertility report is just as wonderful. We have two 2-cell embryos and two 4-cell embryos! According to our nurse, they should all be between 2 and 4 cells on day 2 so it sounds like we’re still doing great. We haven’t lost one yet and that’s the best news ever! We are scheduled to have them (hopefully two of them) transferred back into me tomorrow at 12:15. We all the disappointment last week, I’m so happy we have some little fighters on our hands. So far this is what they look like: 2-cell embryo

4-ell embryo

And tomorrow they should look like this:

As for me, I’m feeling pretty crappy. :-( The pain has subsided, only to be replaced with tummy issues. At least my crappy feelings keep me from worrying about my embryos – so that’s good! I’ve been shockingly calm all weekend!

Send More Good Drugs

Egg retrieval = done! I'm home from the ER and everything went well. As predicted, we got 4 eggs. I think they retrieved one more egg but it wasn't viable. I was pretty knocked out for the procedure, but was aware of what's going on. A few times it was crazy painful, but not so much I wouldn't do it again. The procedure was at 8 and we got home around noon. So far no nausea or dizziness, just really tired! I do have some abdominal pain which was tolerable until the good drugs wore off. This evening I'm having a lot more trouble moving around and the pain has increased significntly. Ugh. At least it's temporary. We won't know how many fertilised until our fertility report in the monring. I'll be sure to update you when we get our fertility report tomorrow morning.

Trigger Time

We've decided to go ahead with the egg retrieval. Yesterday's E2 level was only 642 so they had me stimmulate my ovaries one more day. This morning my E2 is 907... which is still very much on the low end, but we're moving ahead. We had 4 potential follicles measuring from 17.4 mm to 20.9 mm this morning.

Tonight I take my LAST injection to trigger ovulation and we'll be doing the ER on Friday morning.

I thought I would be over the moon excited when it would come time to trigger but I can't help but feel sad. This cycle just isn't what I expected it to be. It's just such a dissapointement when you look at the statistics of conceiving when you have a dozen eggs to retrieve that when you only have a few, you know the odds are stacked against you. I also feel a little bit like a failure... like I wasn't "able" to produce enough eggs. I know it's not my fault, it's the medication they prescribed me that didn't work as well... but it's hard not to blame yourself.

If I were a vegas card game, people wouldn't be betting on me, that's for sure.

The IVF Rollercoaster Blows!

I'm having a rough morning. We just got back from my ultrasound and bloodwork and it's not looking great.  Of my 3 potential follicles on the right, one is around 19 mm and one is around 17 mm... the other one has stopped growing. Of my 2 potential follicles on the left, one is at 17 mm and the other is on the lower side, but I can't remember the number. I'm so dissapointed. :-(

I'm on cycle day10 (CD10) and in a standard IVF cycle I would be done and ready to trigger ovulation, but I'm nowhere near ready! We're hoping we can continue stimulating (injections) for another day or two, but it'll depend on my E2 and my progesterone levels. They want the numbers to go up, but they don't want me to ovulate on my own. It' all very complicated. Sunday my E2 had progresed nicely to 364 and I was so happy, but now things have stalled. The doctor said we might have to make the decision to cancel the cycle depending on my levels. We can do the egg retrieval (ER) with a potential of 3 eggs, but the odds of having anything to transfer aren't good. The other option she gave us is to trigger ovulation and convert our cycle to an IUI. Our odds of an IUI working are slim to none, but at least we wouldn't waste all the stimmulating I've done in the last month.  It would however, mean we could get about 65% of our investement back and have that money available for another cycle. If money weren't an issue, we would just keep going and get what we would get. Unfortuneately I'm not Celine Dion (and thank God cause she's a bit of a bitch.... did I every tell you she pushed me when I was little... but that's another story), so money is an issue.

I have to go in for a 12 hour shift at 10:30 and we have this big decision looming over our heads. The IVF rollercoaster sucks. :-(

Update on my Eggies

I’ve been stimulating my ovaries for 7 days now and I’m not responding as well as my doctors had hoped. They boosted my meds twice and we’re hoping this last boost will kick things up a notch (or two). I’m going back in tomorrow morning for more blood tests and an ultrasound and then we’ll see.

Right now I’m on CD 7 and yesterday my E2 was 124. The higher the E2, the more follicles I’ll have. However, they don’t want the E2 to rise too fast as that could have serious side effects. It’s an art, really. Anyway, I had 1 follicle measuring 15.3 mm on the right side plus 5 follicles less than 10mm. On the left side I had about 5 follicles less than 10 mm. Essentially, follicles greater than 18 mm might contain an egg so we want those follicles to grow to about 20 mm (for more eggs!) When they count out the follicles less than 10 mm, it means these are growing but haven’t grown enough to measure. 

So that’s the latest info on us. I’ll report back when I have new numbers!

It’s an Update Kinda Day

I realise I’m behind on a few updates, so here goes!

Pacha Post-op

Pacha had her surgery last Wednesday and it went really well. Turns out the two lumps were cysts and not tumours – so yay! Although she was wide awake a running around that same afternoon, she did seem to be in a little bit of pain. She would just stand there and stare even though she was exhausted. I think she didn’t want to move cause it hurt her. At one point I laid her down so she could rest. Once down she didn’t move at all and fell asleep in that exact position... the picture is priceless!

I’m happy to report she was back to her old self the very next day.

Pin Cushion Experiment

Last Sunday I started on my 5 injections per day regiment. So far, so good. It’s a bit of a challenge managing so many injections, but it’s going well. Mr Perfect gives me a hand whenever he can so that helps a lot. For those who know the terminology, I’m on CD3 of stims and go back in tomorrow morning for blood work and ultrasound to see how things are progressing. We’re still looking at a potential egg retrieval on March 15 (in 9 days!), but it all depends on how I respond to the meds.

I guess that’s about it for now – I’ll try my best to keep you posted

The Human Pincushion Experiment

Well, the injections have begun and this whole process is actually happening. I gave myself my first injection of drug A (Suprefact) on Tuesday and so far, so good. I’ve given myself 5 injections so far and only have 62 injections left! Yeehaw! I’ll continue drug A for another week and will then add two more drugs: B (Gonal-F) and C (Luveris). By then I’ll be on 5 injections/day.

I’ve been dealing with everything pretty well, although Mr Perfect says I have some serious mood swings. I’m not sure he’s right, but I was high as a kite when he picked me up from work the other days and then bawling 15 minutes later... but I’m still not convinced. :-P

Work is still going ok, although I had a really rough time last week.  I’m glad I’m only working a short week this week. I needed a break!

Pacha’s surgery is set for next Wednesday so I’ll be sure to update you on her progress. I’m pretty confident it’s all going to go smoothly.

Bentley the Fortune Teller

So yesterday I got home a few hours later than usual and Bentley decided he would entertain himself during the long wait with my tarot cards:

I had someone I know from a web forum interpret the spread and this is what she came up with:

A dearly held dream is coming to fruitition. Your strength as a unified couple is imperitive as it will be tested in the coming days. There will be a future challenge that will be overcome despite delays. While you may think it is strictly down to you to acomplish this goal, look to your partner also... he plays a larger role in the success of your endevour than first thought. Don't feel alone... there are many who have travelled on this path. However, don't forget to lean on your partner more heavily in the days to come, he can take it. The outcome is delightful... a happy change and a huge step forward.

She has no idea we are doing IVF. I think I'm going to rent out my puppy for readings lol

Poor little Pacha

My poor little girl needs to have surgery. :-( I found 2 growths on her back which the doctor thinks are likely cysts... but could possibly be tumours. Either way, they need to come out.  She’s going under on February 29. 

She's taking the news very well:

February Méli-Mélo

Wow! I haven’t posted in almost a month! I realise I was a bit of a Debbie Downer in my last post, but things have gotten better. Since my last post, I’ve become a little more positive about everything. So here is an update on all things Changa

Life as a busted babymaker

A few weeks ago we got our official IVF dates. Yay! I’m feeling pretty good about the entire thing. After my last freak out session I stopped thinking about all the negative “what ifs” because it was making me crazy. Instead, I’ve been focusing on the positive and letting myself get excited at the possibility of being pregnant soon. I realise I might be setting myself up for a major let down, but I feel much better focusing on the positive. When I was trying to prepare myself for the possibility of the IVF not working, I was constantly in a panic mode... with a positive outlook, there is no more hyperventilating, no more crying and my husband doesn’t have to deal with my crazies every other day. :-)

We’ll be going to an information session on Monday at the clinic where we’ll learn how to understand the wonky calendar we have to follow, how to mix and inject drugs and how the whole thing is going to go down. I’m excited to finally have all the information. I find we haven’t been told much. What information we received was on the same day we got the diagnosis and there’s no way you can integrate all this complex info when all you can focus on is not crying. Thank goodness for great friends like Chelle and JL who have been wonderful at filling in the blanks. Thanks to Chelle, I realized I needed to take some time off work… which my new boss has been really great about. She actually changed my shifts around so I wouldn’t have to use my sick days. I only have 7 sick days and I would have needed about 5, sp I’m really glad she was able to do that for me.

After the information session I start injections on February 21 for about two weeks. Then, on March 4 I’ll a whole bunch of new drugs to the regiment in preparation for the egg retrieval on March 15. Finally, we’re looking at an embryo(s) transfer on either March 18 or March 20. Looks like we might have some good news in April!

Life as an oncology nurse

I’m on my third week at the oncology department and so far, so good. I really miss my little babes and all the great friends I made in peds, but I’m surviving. Many of the nurses I work with have young children and 2 are a few months pregnant. That could be a really wonderful thing if we get pregnant or really disappointing thing if IVF doesn’t work. We just have to wait and see.

Preliminary testing = done

This morning marked the completion of the preliminary test before in vitro. It’s called a mock transfer and involved stirrups and probes... fun times. Anyway, now that the preliminary tests are completed, we start the official process in a few weeks... actually about the same time I start my new job. Mind you, it takes almost 2 months before we get to the stage of the actual embryo transfer so we’re still a ways away. This morning I was exciting that things would finally start moving along very soon. Tonight, panic has since settled in. What if this doesn’t work? 60% chance of failure is a big number. I was lying in bed until a few minutes ago but I had to get up cause my mind was racing. I keep going over the steps involved in the process in my mind and keep coming to the end of the process and panicking that it might not work. If it doesn’t take... I’m not sure I can deal. We’ll be taped out financially, not to mention emotionally. I know I should stay positive, but all I keep imagining is the worse. I wish I could just turn off my brain. :-(

Oncology it is.

I thought I would update for those of you who were wondering.... I've decided to take the job in oncology (cancer patients). I can't say I'm thrilled, but it is what it is. I keep trying to see it as an opportunity for growth, but all I can see is additional stress at a time when I just can't handle anymore. 


I start February 1.

Dumped

I've been dumped by the peds department. :-( I found out just before Christmas that the mat leave I was replacing is coming back early... actually, I found out the same day we got the news about the infertility issues... it was a very sucky day. At the time my head nurse was trying to figure out how she could keep me, but didn't have anymore details yet. I’ve since found out I would not be back in pediatrics on a permanent basis after January 30. I still have a job, of course, but I will be reassigned to another department. I just got a call from HR giving me my options. I can either work in oncology, orthopedics or float. Floating means I wake up every morning, call in to find out where the hell I'm gonna work that day. The stress associated with this type of work is high because you never know where you'll be and every department is so different. The thought of it makes me sick. However, the thought of working in oncology or ortho isn’t any better. It’s definitely not the field that bothers me, it’s the departments. They are notorious for burning people out and having extra bitchy staff. When I graduated, the government was offering a significant student debt reduction to anyone who would sign a two year contract with those departments... cause no one wanted to work there. Now, a year later, I get to work there without the student debt reduction. UGH!

The timing couldn't be worse with the pending IVF treatments. At least with my current job, I know my co-workers, many of them know my situation and I can easily step out for a few minutes for blood work, in another departments, it won't be as easy. Also, it's not easy being the newbie and having to step out for appointments. Hospital politics aren't making things any easier. If I take a mat leave on another department, I can't apply on another temporary posting for a year after I'm done that temp job. That means, if I take a job on another department and a temp job in peds comes up, I can't apply for it. I want to be in peds... it's my home. This whole thing sucks.

So here’s my pros and cons list:

Float:

Pros

• -       I’m not stuck in one department I hate and could end up floating on some of the departments I like
• -       Since I’m not associated to any department, I can pretty much take my vacation anytime. On a department it goes by seniority… and I’m at the bottom of the list

Cons

• -       I wake up every morning full of anxiety
• -       Every department is different and I’ll never really get to that comfort level
• -       I don’t have steady co-workers which makes it hard to have people to lean on.

Oncology

Pros

• -       I’ve worked with oncology patients in peds so it’s something I know a little. Experience in that department would certainly help in peds in the future.
• -       I could gather more experience with central lines, chemo, picc lines and specialized dressings
• -       I would always work with the same people and maybe I’ll luck out and find a friend or two
• -       Eventually I’ll get used to the department and feel more at ease

Cons

• -       I would always work with the same people and maybe I’ll get unlucky and be with the supremo bitches
• -       Oncology is rough and can be really depressing

Orthopedics

Pros

• -       I did a rotation in ortho and actually kinda liked it
• -       I could gather more experience in post-op care, pain management and broken limbs all of which I can apply in peds in the future
• -       I’ve worked with kids with broken bones in the past and always felt I could use more experience in that area so a job in ortho could give me the experience I need.
• -       I would always work with the same people and maybe I’ll luck out and find a friend or two
• -       Eventually I’ll get used to the department and feel more at ease

Cons

• -       It’s a super high-paced unit with some really strong personalities. I think it might be even bitchier than oncology
• -       It’s a physically demanding department as most patients can’t move.

So that’s it. I have to call back HR tomorrow.  I think I’m gonna sleep on it and see what happens. If you’ve got an opinion – go for it!