I Rock.

I finally got back all the results from my exams and my final scores.

Biology: C
Pathophysiology: B-
Pharmacology: B-
Clinical Practicum: B-
Health Assessment: B+
Environmental Health: B+
Nursing and Wellness: A-

I'm really happy with the results, especially since I started off the year lower than i had hopped. Yay me! :-)


...

Cue Mr. Perfect.

I’m dating a new guy. I know what you’re thinking: “Holy crap that was quick”. What can I say; my profile is that good! :-)

I’ve decided to name him Mr. Perfect, because… he is! I can’t find anything wrong with him.

* Cute? Check
* Tall? Check
* Kinda geeky in an adorable way? Check
* French? Check
* Has a great job in a career he loves? Check
* Knows how to write in complete sentences? Check
* Has a house? Check
* Has a dog? Check
* Has a dog that isn’t big enough to swallow Pacha whole? Check
* Thinks I’m adorable? Check
* Thinks Pacha is just as adorable as I am? Check
* Has a healthy relationship with his family? Check
* Affectionate? Check
* Funny? Check
* Gets my wacky sense of humour? Check
* Not afraid to let me know he’s interested? Check
* Good kisser? Check
* Wants kids? Check
* Knows what he wants out of life? Check
* Sensitive, but not so sensitive that you wonder if he’s gay? Check
* Knows how to swing a hammer and owns a tool belt? Check
* Not a virgin, sex maniac or terrified of commitment? Check. Check. Check.

Let's just hope the sparks continue to fly.


...

Adventures in online dating

A friend of mine at alpha Betty offered to rewrite my online dating profile. She did an awesome job! I thought I would test it out because I was so happy with it. check it out:

Tagline: Defying dating advice in record time

I’m about to say THE thing that you’re not supposed to blurt out when you’re single and looking: One day, I want to have kids.

If your mouse didn’t just fly like the wind toward that “back” button – hurrah! ;) Be assured, there is much more to me than a desire to have a family (and I’m hardly ready for kids right this second anyway!). I’m also a confident and caring singleton who takes life by the reins while enjoying the little stuff:

THINGS I LOVE: Creating my own happiness (at 31, I left my career in marketing to become a nurse), my awesome family, my hilariously cute dog, cooking with friends, sarcastic and dry wit, enjoying a Rickard’s Red on a hot summer day, following my heart, smart comedies like Dogma and Love Actually, Pad Thai with spring rolls, getting a great run in, my constant musical companions (David Gray, Ben Harper and DMB), taking pride in my home, making lists and lots more!


THINGS I DON’T LOVE: Going out on a cold winter day (I prefer staying in with a glass of wine!), mean pranks, chronic complainers, having to guess what people are thinking and feeling, mushy peas and a refusal to try new things.


ABOUT YOU (I HOPE!): You know what you want out of life and follow your passion. You’re comfortable showing your interest and that you care. You have a healthy relationship with your family. You’re considerate and sensitive but not afraid to speak your mind. You love to laugh – a lot. You’re happily independent but eager to share your life with the right person. Oh, and it’s a bonus if you’re a lanky guy with a bit of a geek vibe – but looks are hardly everything!

If you’re interested, drop me a line!

Since posting it earlier this week, I’ve been keeping a log of weird people who have contacted me online. I often wonder if they even read my profile. Today, I received two emails from guys in their late-50s… even though the very first line of my profile says I want kids. Umm… really? You want a kid before you’re 60? Bah!
_________

I also got an email from a guy who said: your profile really intrigued me. You seem like an honest and sincere person and these are qualities I really value. When I clicked on his profile his status said he was married and his occupation was vagina inspector. So I guess you value honesty and sincerity in others but not in yourself?
____________

Another guy who “smiled” at me had this profile. I have no words…

Rules;

1) if you are not gonna meet me in person, dont message me please, Im not on here for endless cyber-chat.
2) if you play head games, dont message me, Ive had enough of that from women on this site. I can spot you coming.
3) if you dont live in moncton or the surrounding area, your wasting my time and yours, tried the long distance thing twice, doesnt work, never will, not with me.
4) I cannot stress this enough, YOU MUST BE WILLING TO COMMITT TO A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP. Im not looking to date, I have enough friends, and if I wanted to get laid, Id pay for it. less headaches that way.
5) I dont care what you look like, I dont care how old you are, I dont care if you have a job. I dont care if your on welfare. I DO CARE IF YOU LIE ABOUT THESE THINGS.
6) Last but not least, if your name is KENDRA, dont message me for any reason, I dont need the BS.

Now, this is me,

I work hard, 2 jobs, I provide for the people I care about. Ive raised 6 kids, all are doing well for themselves. Im open to anyone who has kids, I would even have more if the need was there, I am open to marriage, but it would have to be after a lengthy relationship, been stung to many times. BUT, I do show my feeling freely, not afraid to show my feminine side I guess you women would call it. I do have emotions, hurt me and you will see them.

WARNING. when I meet someone I like, I put alot of time and effort into it, if you dont want to move forward, or are scared of committment, your in the wrong profile.

I will add more as I see fit

________________

I also got an email from a guy who looks like a member of ZZ Top and claims he’s a Pagan. Niiiiiiicccccce.
________________

All-round bad writing:

- I want to love you body, mind and sole! Sole… do you mind my shoes or my fish?

- Not interested in someone to live with...interested in someone i can not life without ...

- hi i like to meet i nice woman


....

Did you fall on your head or something?

Why, yes I did!

Friday night I went out to celebrate the end of the school year. I can honestly say that if I did anything stupid, it’s because I fell on my head. I had a bit of a gathering at my place, which was loads of fun. Late in the evening we decided to go to a bar. In a rush I left my house and forgot my keys on the end table. So, around 3 am, in an attempt to get in my house through the back door, I fell down the patio steps and landed on my forehead. Wanna see some pics?


I also banged up my leg pretty bad!


Like my friend Kevin told me: Dude, you need supervision when you drink.

Single – take 2,451

We talked. We broke-up. I told him I didn’t think he felt about me the way I felt about him. He said no, I don’t think so. There was a bunch of other stuff, but essentially that’s what it boils down to. He also added that he was 75% certain he didn’t want any more kids and that was weighing heavily on him, so I guess I did the right thing.

It was fucking hard because I actually liked this one and when he said, you’re right, I don’t think I feel the same way you do I could feel my heart breaking. :-(

I think it's a good thing that I broke it off though.

At the very least he showed me I could have those lovey, fuzzy feelings again, and God bless him, he broke the dreaded three year curse! :-)


...

The talk is set for tonight

I just gave him a call and told him I wanted to see him tonight. I wonder if my self-confidence influences his reactions? I usually ask him if he would like to do something and he is sometimes wishy-washy in his answer, but when I demanded to see him tonight he said, sounds great! Honestly, I wish he had hesitated because it would have helped me gain more confidence in my decision (by being mad at him). The fact that he was eager to see me, reminds me that I’m going to miss him after this. :-( Oh well, it’s like a band-aid: rip it off and eventually it will heal, right?




...

The worst is over... exam wise, anyway.

I finished my fourth exam this morning and now I don’t have anything until Thursday! Wheeeee! I’m done all the though ones and all I have left are the last two easier ones. Today I’m taking the entire day off and doing fun things I haven’t had time to do in a while like clean the house, do laundry and groceries and maybe even head to the dog park with Pacha.

This morning's exam went really well. It was a stressful one as it was biology and my mid-term didn't go so well. I'm quite confident that I passed that exam hands down, but now we wait and see just how well I actually did.

I’m going to try to have the talk with Mr. Maybe tonight so, as usual, I will keep you posted.


...

The end is nigh…

I think my relationship with Mr. Maybe is coming to an end. I’ve thought about this a lot in the last few weeks and I think it’s the right thing to do. My decision was solidified by the events of the last week. Let me run you through them.

Friday April 10 – Spent the day at Fundy National Park with Mr. Maybe. Asked if he wanted to do something that evening, but he said he had plans with his friend M.
Saturday – Called him in the evening to see what he was up too, but he was in no mood to talk. I asked if he had fun the previous evening with his friend, but apparently his friend bailed so he spent the evening home alone. I wonder why he didn’t call
Sunday, Easter – I leave him a message asking if he would like to do something that evening or the following day. He never calls back.
Monday – I send him an email wishing him good luck at his classes (he has to take classes for two months an hour and a half away from here) and ask if there is anything wrong since I hadn’t heard from him. He responds that nothing is wrong and he’s thinking of renting a place while he takes the classes instead of driving back and forth every day. I reply asking him to let me know how his classes went.
Tuesday to Friday – I don’t hear from him all week. I don’t call him because I’m assuming he’s arriving late in the evening and must be pretty tired. I don't know how his classes went and for all i know he could have moved an hour and a half away! I finally give in and call him Friday night. When I ask what he’s doing that evening he says he doesn’t know. He wants to do something, but he called everyone he knows and no one is around. Obviously, I’m hurt by this, because I wasn't even on his radar. When I ask him about his week and his classes he tells me it was super slack and he was back in town most days by mid-afternoon. I feel even more hurt. Why didn’t he call me all week? I cave and ask him if he wants to spend the evening together. He agrees and we end up watching the hockey game. I come to the conclusion that his list of priorities goes a little something like this: his son, his friends, spending the night alone on his couch watching a hockey game... me.

I went out with some friends tonight and that was when it really became clear that “he’s just not that into me”. As I discussed the events of the week, all my friends agreed it’s time to lay it all on the line. One friend adds, “give him an ultimatum; either he makes you a priority or you walk”. But you know what? I don’t think he even gets a choice in the matter. I mean, if he felt about me the way I feel about him he would want to spend more time with me. His actions are one thing, but his feelings are a bigger part of the picture. He clearly doesn’t feel the same way about me. I realize you can be scared of commitment and you can want to take things slow, but if the feelings were really there, he would be able to get passed these issues. I’ve been patient for five months and now I need to think of me. I deserve more than being someone’s occasional girlfriend.

I know people have told me to walk away or to give it one more chance, but I think I had to come to my own decision. I really feel it’s the right thing to do… this relationship has run it’s course. Sure, there's is a tiny part of me that still hopes I try to walk away and he professes his undying love to be, but let’s be real... if this were Hollywood, I'd be living in a bigger house. It's just not going to happen. However, I feel good in my decision. I feel strong about it. As many people know, sometimes it takes me a long time to make a decision, but once I get there I feel good about it... and I don't look back. I’m calm, I’m not teary-eyed and for the first time, I’m certain it feels right.

I have one more major exam tomorrow morning and then I’m done until Thursday so I’m going to try to talk to him either tomorrow night on Monday night. I’m ready to do this.


...

Cue the next roommate

Big Rig, the newest roommate who insists on parking his 18-wheeler in front of my house is moving out on June 1st. As much as this is frustrating, I’m also quite happy because he was driving me bonkers! I asked him yesterday if he had found a place to live and he told me he was moving in with his girlfriend. I was surprised by this because I didn’t realise he had a girlfriend. He recently left his wife who apparently bankrupted him, so I figured he would want a little time on his own. I asked if they’d been together long and he responded that they met on Sunday. Yes, Sunday... as in four days ago... as in less than a week. *insert eye roll here*



...

Oh. My. God.

I received an exemption for my psych class AND my chemistry class! I can't freakin' believe it!!! I started screaming when I saw EX posted next to the two classes online.

There was a small (like microscopic) chance I might get an exemption for psych because the class wasn't being given in the Spring and I could have been held back a year, but I seriously never expected to receive an exemption for both classes.

I'm saving a thousand bucks by not having to take these!

I am beyond excited!


...

Tired Out From Studying

Clearly, Pacha is exhausted just watching me study:



One exam done... five to go. I'll be home free in 9 days. Wheeeeee!


...

Happy Easter!

The view from my backyard. Aren't you glad it's Spring?


...

Met the ex last night

As planned, I had supper at Mr. Maybe’s last night. He cooked a very nice meal of stew and salad. Both were made from scratch and very yummy! He even had cut out tomatoes in the shape of roses and did some fancy stuff with the carrots and radishes. :-) I think he was a little nervous about it, though because he asked me twice if it was ok and apologized because it was only a stew… ummm, dude? You made a meal from scratch! Seriously. It’s good!

After we ate, we decided to walk to Blockbuster to rent a movie. So we’re walking along chatting away when we cross a girl walking with her headphones on. She stops and says, Oh my God! Mr. Maybe? He stops and says Hi. The girl asks what he’s up too and he asks if she’s still working for the government. They chat about where they live in the neighbourhood and then he adds… so I have a little boy. The girl is shocked and looks at me and I shake my head no. He talks a little about his son and the conversation ends. As we walk away, I’m thinking, why the hell didn’t he introduce me? We get out of earshot and he tells me how weird that was. I have no idea why the conversation was weird so he asks me if I knew who that was. I tell him no, should I? Was it someone who went to school with us? He says, that was my R., my ex. It’s the first time I’ve seen her in 5 years! At this point I’m like what? Oh my God! No wonder it was weird!! R. was to him what Mike was to me, so I totally get why talking for the first time is incredibly weird… especially when it’s so completely haphazard. He apologizes for not introducing me but he was just so shocked he didn’t know what to say. I remember the first time I saw Mike. It was awkward and uncomfortable and completely surreal. It’s unimaginable to have spent 8 years with someone and then talk to him or her like a random person you knew in high school.



...

Maybe the talk helped?

I haven't seen Mr. Maybe since we talked because I had plans all weekend. Anyway, last night he called me up to see if I wanted to come over for supper the nest night (tonight) and watch a movie. First of all, he rarely calls me and I'm usually the one who calls. Secondly, he's never cooked for me, even though he is supposedly an awesome chef (according to his friends) and thirdly, if he does call, it's usually last minute. I'm going to say the call was all-round positive. :-)


...

We talked.

We’re still together. We talked for a couple hours last night, and I think I was able to say everything I needed to say. I had a mental list of things I absolutely wanted to say and tried to stick to it as best as I can.

** My post has gotten really long so I bolded the essential parts. If you just want to get a general idea of how things went, read those. If you’ve got time to kill you can read my entire analogy. Hah!

1 – Tell him how I saw our current status and how that wasn’t enough for me.
2 – Tell him what I want/need to be happy (this is probably the hardest thing to do because it’s hard to define exactly what I need, you know?)
3 – Tell him how important it is for me to get married and have kids. I realise this sounds like an odd thing, but I never actually said these things to him and I felt like I wasn’t being true to who I am.

It’s clear we have crazy communication issues and it’s something we have agreed to try and work on together. We both have trouble saying what I what/need and we both attempt to interpret what the other person wants without actually confirming our assumptions.

When I told him I saw our current situation as dating until something better comes along, he totally didn’t see it that way. I’m not just there until something better comes along. I tried my best to express how I came to this conclusion, or what he says/does to make me feel this way, but man it’s hard! I told him I need to know that I’m part of his life and that there is no one else he wants to be with… that he wants to be with me. I couldn’t help but laugh out of frustration when he tells me of course there is no one else I want to be with. Of course I want to be with you. He still has trouble understanding that his actions don’t always reflect this. I told him I need to feel like I can call him because I’m having a bad day or because something wonderful happened and I want to share it with him or I if I just miss him and want to see him. He didn’t realise I didn’t feel comfortable doing this. I asked him if there were times he would have liked to see me but didn’t call. He said yes that sometimes he would have liked to see me but since I hadn’t called he figured I was too busy with my studies and didn’t want to bother him. Meanwhile, I’m sitting at home thinking I want to call him but don’t want to seem too demanding… and round and round we go. So, the final agreement was to be honest with each other at all times. If I want to see him or talk to him I call him. If he doesn’t want to do something that day or if he’s busy, he’ll be honest and tell me. I’ll do the same thing for him. I know it’s not going to be easy, but we’re going to try.

I think he has some skewed views on relationships. I tried figuring out where these come from, but can’t. For instance, he thinks commitment means loss of freedom or missing out on the things he wants to do. Well, I guess this comes from his experience with his first girlfriend. They had been together for two years when he left for a 6-month trek across the Appalachian Trail. When he left he said she didn’t have to wait for him, but she said she would. When he came back she had a new boyfriend. I guess I can see how he might associate doing something he really wanted to do with loss of a relationship. He also thinks commitment means giving up his friends and having to tell someone where you are and what you are doing every minute of the day. He kept trying to pinpoint my freak-out on a specific event (freak-out is my word, not his). At first he thought I was jealous because he talked to his new neighbour. Then he thought my freak-out was related to having supper with my Mom on Wednesday. I didn’t really know before where the freak-out came from, but I think it came from having a really crappy day and feeling like I couldn’t turn to him for support. That’s when I told him about the lump on my breast and feeling like I couldn’t talk to him about this.

As for point number 3, telling him how important marriage and kids where to me was easier then I had expected. He said this wasn’t news to him and that he knew I wanted kids and to get married. It was nice to finally say what I wanted out of life and just how important kids are to me. I finally told him that if I couldn’t have kids (biologically) or didn’t have a partner that I would try my best to adopt. I think this helped him understand that this was a non-negotiable for me and that even though he didn’t need to decide if he wanted kids right away, that if he felt having kids was something he absolutely didn’t want, then I needed to walk away. I think it went rather well because he didn’t seem pressured by this discussion, but I was still able to stress the importance of this.

It’s been really difficult to figure out what I want because I’ve gotten so many differentiating opinions for people that my head is spinning. On the one hand I have many friends saying he’s not giving me what I want and I should leave, but on the other hand I have my family and close friends who tell me they’ve never seen me so happy with a guy. That I talk about him unlike any other guy. I know I need to reach deep inside and try my best to see what I want, but sometimes it’s so hard to hear myself above the chatter. I’m going to try my best not to have a monthly freak-out. :-)

I could just cry.

I don’t understand how a day that started out so wonderfully could turn into total crap. :-(

Then, somehow, my emotions took an odd turn of questioning our relationship and wondering where things are going as witnessed in my previous post. This afternoon I find out that the effing psych class I’m required to take this summer will not be offered. If you don’t know my frustration with that class you can check out Summer School Life in this post. So what does the absence of one stupid class have on my future? Well, it turns out I might be held back an entire fucking year because of it. You read right: an entire year! I think I’m going to be sick. My director is trying to figure out an alternative and I’ve been asked to go plead my case to the psych department. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The financial and emotional implications of having to wait an extra year before graduating might send me over the edge right now. Please send all your positive vibes my way.


...

It’s a long one… you’ve been warned

I think I had a slight breakthrough with Mr. Maybe last night. I got him to talk about his feelings and stress he’s been living with lately. Unfortunately, I didn’t get him to talk about his feelings regarding me… all in due time, I guess.

He talked a lot about his son and how his very unexpected birth has had a significant impact on his life. I mean, how could a child not have an impact on his life? I asked him if he ever realized that, as much as his son is a precious gift, that his arrival was also an important loss in his life. It was a loss of the future life he had envisioned for himself and a future wife. When I said this, it was like I had reached into his mind and pulled out exactly what he was feeling but had never really realized it. He might have thought it, but also felt guilty for thinking it, just like any parent would. The fact that I was able to pin point his feelings gave him carte blanche to say what he really felt. However, when he talked about his frustration, he said he had never even wanted kids. My heart breaks every time he says this. It’s always followed by, really I don’t know if I ever wanted kids… all I know is I never wanted a child this way. I don’t know what I want for the future. It’s hard for me because I really want kids and I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with a guy who doesn’t want children. But he’s still on the fence on the subject and I can’t expect him to know what he wants in the future because he just had a child! I can’t ask him to make that kind of decision right now! Just thinking of my friends who have had a child within the last few years and the struggles they have with the decision to have another child, makes me realize it’s completely unfair of me to even broach the subject. My friend M recently, who has an 18-month old daughter, told me recently, “I can guarantee you he’s not thinking about and kids in the same thought process. In fact the thought of more kids… especially with you has probably never even crossed his minds”. I know she’s right, but I wonder if I’m wasting my time… I worry that a year from now he’ll decide he doesn’t want any more children and then what? I will be 34 years old and no closer to having a child. Wow. 34 is getting up there when it comes to having kids. The thought of it just makes my stomach turn! Then again, he’s still just Mr. Maybe… but is he just Mr. Maybe because I won’t let myself feel more because I’m afraid we won’t want the same things or is he Mr. Maybe because I simply don’t know if he’s Mr. Right.

I know I should just relax and enjoy the ride, but I’m a planner by nature and need to know what will happen in the future. I’m not sure I can wait until the end of exams to have the “where is this going” talk. I think I’m going to have to confront that subject sooner rather than later.


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